The Other('s)?
I am angry. And I feel like writing, on my laptop instead of phone you grammaticians, and maybe this is only rant nonsense.
Last night I was writing a very (methinks) funny story about two cavemen who were homosexual because that was the original norm everyone lived by (i didn't get into reproduction logistics) and that the first cave painting of a hand was because one cavemen put his hand in some paint during intercourse and then grabbed the coverall ala Titanic. But then I had to stop and thought LJ would automatically save (its done this in the past) and it didn't. I'm kind of bummed.
But today I am pissed. So, English class, we have to make a video showing theories of literature in a visual, film, way. I had an idea of a Jenga piece. I DECIDED to SHARE the idea with three others who really didn't give much input besides the locations this Jenga piece walks around in and supplying some of the equipment. I asked W if she wanted to be in our group. She said yes. I asked S also, mostly because I wanted to date her and thought this would lead to that (it didn't, it won't) and she said yes. Today we filmed it, on my iPhone. I like the shots. Its obviously not GOOD but is it serviceable and funny in a shitty way? Yeah, of course. And it gets the point across and we'll like it and pass without it seeming that none of us tried.
BUT THEY DIDN'T TRY. I fucking went in there with a plan, and the other two (S hadn't shown yet) went along. Oh yeah, they had some tips on where to put certain background boards and helped me press my PLAY button on my phone sometimes, but seriously, it was me. At this point I find arrogance to be my only saving vice. And why not, if you did the work. Did they set up the shots? Did they edit it at all? Did they express a need for some narrative? No. There was some input. Oh yes, and then S did show up, and gave nothing to it. Just sat there. Honestly, and since no one reads this you know I'm being honest (CONTRADICTION), I could have made this on my own. Imma just do me from now on. By the end, I was trying to finish up the story which no one else wanted to do. You just want to do one scene of a farm for Marxism and say "enough"? Fuck you. We have a chance to do something stupid-fun and you can't just let me have that? So I made a simulacrum of what I wanted. And don't you say it was me taking control. Taking control would have been me doing all of it for you. No, I let you three have the illusion that you had done something. And letting you know I have a rough edit to show THE NEXT DAY can't even get me a thank you? Christ, this second part started after I said I was calming but now I'm revved the fuck back up*
This is what my friendliness gets me. I am THAT person in the group project. A four person team has 1. The equipment supplier, the second-most enthused and 2. The Sometimes Doer, the person that kind of comes in only to not seem like 3. The Watched Sitter who makes a comment and laughs every now and then and asks questions but doesn't do shit because 4. The person who just wanted to have fun and do a decent project. God damn this whole thing is reading like some angsty journal from seventh grade. But, again, its LJ and it doesn't grow up.
I'm calming down after this rant. Mostly, I'm angry at the lack of gratitude. Is that a problem? Should we expect gratitude or be fine with "being walked over"? This is a black and white world where culture congregates towards extremes because ambiguity results in uncertainty which, in America, signifies weakness. The group project. What an American idea. This is a literature class, we all have this arrogant attitude because we read Marx. But, they just enacted capitalism in the small scale. I am becoming my product, they are profiting from it at my expense. I'm going to go read. Seriously, how do you connect with people?
*Continuation. I want to stop writing and I'm sure you've stopped reading so either way we're both losing. HA. No, this is angry. This LJ contains sad sad sad comedy sad laugh enlightenment sad sad but not a lot of anger. So here it is. I tried making my movie with enthusiasm, you three took that from me. I want out of this community college lifestyle. I want out of this fucking inane way we treat and exist next to each other at this college. I get it, none of will see each other after next month, so what though? We can't act like we get along in the meantime. Life is a short procession pals, and fine go through it in your post postmodern hipster irony apathetic aloof attitude but remember the people who actually give a shit about other people on the human level are falling by the wayside. That's definitely where my depression came from. I feel too much. So it weirds me out that other people don't, and like most depressions, it is silent mime. I'm still not doing that unreciprocated bullshit.
Last night I was writing a very (methinks) funny story about two cavemen who were homosexual because that was the original norm everyone lived by (i didn't get into reproduction logistics) and that the first cave painting of a hand was because one cavemen put his hand in some paint during intercourse and then grabbed the coverall ala Titanic. But then I had to stop and thought LJ would automatically save (its done this in the past) and it didn't. I'm kind of bummed.
But today I am pissed. So, English class, we have to make a video showing theories of literature in a visual, film, way. I had an idea of a Jenga piece. I DECIDED to SHARE the idea with three others who really didn't give much input besides the locations this Jenga piece walks around in and supplying some of the equipment. I asked W if she wanted to be in our group. She said yes. I asked S also, mostly because I wanted to date her and thought this would lead to that (it didn't, it won't) and she said yes. Today we filmed it, on my iPhone. I like the shots. Its obviously not GOOD but is it serviceable and funny in a shitty way? Yeah, of course. And it gets the point across and we'll like it and pass without it seeming that none of us tried.
BUT THEY DIDN'T TRY. I fucking went in there with a plan, and the other two (S hadn't shown yet) went along. Oh yeah, they had some tips on where to put certain background boards and helped me press my PLAY button on my phone sometimes, but seriously, it was me. At this point I find arrogance to be my only saving vice. And why not, if you did the work. Did they set up the shots? Did they edit it at all? Did they express a need for some narrative? No. There was some input. Oh yes, and then S did show up, and gave nothing to it. Just sat there. Honestly, and since no one reads this you know I'm being honest (CONTRADICTION), I could have made this on my own. Imma just do me from now on. By the end, I was trying to finish up the story which no one else wanted to do. You just want to do one scene of a farm for Marxism and say "enough"? Fuck you. We have a chance to do something stupid-fun and you can't just let me have that? So I made a simulacrum of what I wanted. And don't you say it was me taking control. Taking control would have been me doing all of it for you. No, I let you three have the illusion that you had done something. And letting you know I have a rough edit to show THE NEXT DAY can't even get me a thank you? Christ, this second part started after I said I was calming but now I'm revved the fuck back up*
This is what my friendliness gets me. I am THAT person in the group project. A four person team has 1. The equipment supplier, the second-most enthused and 2. The Sometimes Doer, the person that kind of comes in only to not seem like 3. The Watched Sitter who makes a comment and laughs every now and then and asks questions but doesn't do shit because 4. The person who just wanted to have fun and do a decent project. God damn this whole thing is reading like some angsty journal from seventh grade. But, again, its LJ and it doesn't grow up.
I'm calming down after this rant. Mostly, I'm angry at the lack of gratitude. Is that a problem? Should we expect gratitude or be fine with "being walked over"? This is a black and white world where culture congregates towards extremes because ambiguity results in uncertainty which, in America, signifies weakness. The group project. What an American idea. This is a literature class, we all have this arrogant attitude because we read Marx. But, they just enacted capitalism in the small scale. I am becoming my product, they are profiting from it at my expense. I'm going to go read. Seriously, how do you connect with people?
*Continuation. I want to stop writing and I'm sure you've stopped reading so either way we're both losing. HA. No, this is angry. This LJ contains sad sad sad comedy sad laugh enlightenment sad sad but not a lot of anger. So here it is. I tried making my movie with enthusiasm, you three took that from me. I want out of this community college lifestyle. I want out of this fucking inane way we treat and exist next to each other at this college. I get it, none of will see each other after next month, so what though? We can't act like we get along in the meantime. Life is a short procession pals, and fine go through it in your post postmodern hipster irony apathetic aloof attitude but remember the people who actually give a shit about other people on the human level are falling by the wayside. That's definitely where my depression came from. I feel too much. So it weirds me out that other people don't, and like most depressions, it is silent mime. I'm still not doing that unreciprocated bullshit.