Songs For a Blue Guitar
Right now I am hung up on trying to figure out who I really am. I am going through a period in life in which I am beginning to realize that everything I thought I had figured out may not be so true. I was raised to think as an individual. My parents raised me with morals, but they did not instill in me any particular belief system for anything, whether it be politics or religion. I respect them for this, because I think that everyone should create their own belief system and think how they wish. I was never confused about anything, actually, I thought I had life figured out at age 15. But, the past few months have been a huge eye opener for me (for more than a few things).
I have changed immensely, as well as the people around me. I am beginning to realize that a lot of the things I believed in were things I wanted to be true, and real. These are all things I wish I could believe in, but the older I get, the more I realize that these are simply ideals. The world is messed up, and no one is ever good enough for anyone else. Someone always has something to say, and nobody ever wants to hear it. Everyone is concerned with money, and nobody has a job. People who have money only care about themselves.
College to me is something completely different than what it is for everyone else (it seems). So far, I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons, I have seen things I never want to see or think about again, I have talked to people I wish I had never met, I have struggled with confidence for the first time in my life, I have lost a large population of people I used to love to drugs and self-absorption. I have taken a huge step in my life with a relationship. I have made terrible mistakes. I have stressed myself out so much that I get sick every other week. I completely re-wrote my priority list. I feel like I have no direction. I feel like I am going nowhere. I work myself to death. I never sleep. I have thought more in depth about past relationships and how I wish some of them had never occurred and if they hadn't, I would be a stronger person today.
Of course, with all of this there are good things. I am doing well in school, I have a job, I am volunteering and meeting new people, I have a stable relationship, and a legitimate best friend who lives down the street who I know would be willing to do anything for me until the day I die, no matter what.
However, I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis, and it's really dragging me down.
I have changed immensely, as well as the people around me. I am beginning to realize that a lot of the things I believed in were things I wanted to be true, and real. These are all things I wish I could believe in, but the older I get, the more I realize that these are simply ideals. The world is messed up, and no one is ever good enough for anyone else. Someone always has something to say, and nobody ever wants to hear it. Everyone is concerned with money, and nobody has a job. People who have money only care about themselves.
College to me is something completely different than what it is for everyone else (it seems). So far, I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons, I have seen things I never want to see or think about again, I have talked to people I wish I had never met, I have struggled with confidence for the first time in my life, I have lost a large population of people I used to love to drugs and self-absorption. I have taken a huge step in my life with a relationship. I have made terrible mistakes. I have stressed myself out so much that I get sick every other week. I completely re-wrote my priority list. I feel like I have no direction. I feel like I am going nowhere. I work myself to death. I never sleep. I have thought more in depth about past relationships and how I wish some of them had never occurred and if they hadn't, I would be a stronger person today.
Of course, with all of this there are good things. I am doing well in school, I have a job, I am volunteering and meeting new people, I have a stable relationship, and a legitimate best friend who lives down the street who I know would be willing to do anything for me until the day I die, no matter what.
However, I feel like I am going through a mid-life crisis, and it's really dragging me down.