it's all catching up with me.
I'm feeling drained and sad today. It happens sometimes, seemingly out of the blue, but there's usually something behind it. I'm just sitting here at my desk, hoping that nobody bothers me today, because I don't want to cry and have to explain that I don't really have a reason to cry and I'm just overly emotional for no apparent reason.
So much has happened this summer, most of it good. I've been trying to post about it as much as I can, just so that I'd remember what the heck happened in these past few months. But, even though most of it's been good, or even crazyfuckingfantastic, there's just so. much. stuff. I'm exhausted now. I'm tired. I want it to be over. I'm tired of never being able to see my friends. I'm sick of living in a fucking disaster area. I miss my cleanish apartment. I want to know what my financial situation ACTUALLY is, instead of guestimating on paper (I hate this part the most).
The weddings are over, for the most part. I have a couple more work ones, but they're spread out and not ones that I"m overly involved with. Thank goodness. I mean, I'm so happy for my friends/family that got married this year, but it really takes a lot out of me. I will never be able to be a regular or semi-regular guest again. I'm sad about this, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help but offer help and step in when I think it's needed or when I'm asked.
I feel like my work situation isn't going well. I think that things at one place are pretty much over, but I don't want to damage my relationship with my boss. I really do want to remain friends with her, and to be able to refer people to her. My other work is...well...the same. I've always felt really temporary here. I know that in a way it is, but still...who likes to know that they're expendable? I feel like it's made apparent by a certain coworker (though she's a giant bitch in general, so who cares what she thinks, right?).
Sometimes I wonder if this industry is really for me. While I believe it utilizes my strengths and skills to a degree that no other career has been able to thus far, I get so overwhelmed at the end of it all. I can't stop working. I'm constantly thinking thinking thinking when I"m supposed to be off. It's only in the serious off season (i.e. Novemberish) that I can take a mental break. And, geez, I only had a small handful of weddings this year that I was being paid for (the rest were friends and family). Though, when I think about quitting, I can't imagine myself doing something else and enjoying it as much. I have made some great friends through this wacky industry, and I would miss them terribly.
I want to be settled in to my new place. I want to start focussing on our wedding again. I want my puppy. I want to think about my potential new business, and start researching how to start off. I want to invite my friends over and eat food and play Wii. I want to have two good nights sleep in a row. In other words, I want to close my eyes, and fast forward about 14 days when my mind won't be so foggy and I can be myself again.
So much has happened this summer, most of it good. I've been trying to post about it as much as I can, just so that I'd remember what the heck happened in these past few months. But, even though most of it's been good, or even crazyfuckingfantastic, there's just so. much. stuff. I'm exhausted now. I'm tired. I want it to be over. I'm tired of never being able to see my friends. I'm sick of living in a fucking disaster area. I miss my cleanish apartment. I want to know what my financial situation ACTUALLY is, instead of guestimating on paper (I hate this part the most).
The weddings are over, for the most part. I have a couple more work ones, but they're spread out and not ones that I"m overly involved with. Thank goodness. I mean, I'm so happy for my friends/family that got married this year, but it really takes a lot out of me. I will never be able to be a regular or semi-regular guest again. I'm sad about this, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't help but offer help and step in when I think it's needed or when I'm asked.
I feel like my work situation isn't going well. I think that things at one place are pretty much over, but I don't want to damage my relationship with my boss. I really do want to remain friends with her, and to be able to refer people to her. My other work is...well...the same. I've always felt really temporary here. I know that in a way it is, but still...who likes to know that they're expendable? I feel like it's made apparent by a certain coworker (though she's a giant bitch in general, so who cares what she thinks, right?).
Sometimes I wonder if this industry is really for me. While I believe it utilizes my strengths and skills to a degree that no other career has been able to thus far, I get so overwhelmed at the end of it all. I can't stop working. I'm constantly thinking thinking thinking when I"m supposed to be off. It's only in the serious off season (i.e. Novemberish) that I can take a mental break. And, geez, I only had a small handful of weddings this year that I was being paid for (the rest were friends and family). Though, when I think about quitting, I can't imagine myself doing something else and enjoying it as much. I have made some great friends through this wacky industry, and I would miss them terribly.
I want to be settled in to my new place. I want to start focussing on our wedding again. I want my puppy. I want to think about my potential new business, and start researching how to start off. I want to invite my friends over and eat food and play Wii. I want to have two good nights sleep in a row. In other words, I want to close my eyes, and fast forward about 14 days when my mind won't be so foggy and I can be myself again.