FIC: Taking Umbrage (1/3)
Title: Taking Umbrage (1/3)
Author: MrsTater
Rating: PG
Pairing/Featured Characters: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks; Sirius Black
Summary: Third in the Transfigured Hearts series: Remus, having thought the conversation was over, couldn't imagine what more could be said on the matter. Something flickering in Tonks' eyes made him dread finding out.
This fic has been revised. You can read the proper version here.
Part One
"Where's my favourite place to be kissed?"
Remus Lupin gaped at the warded door of Tonks' flat, behind which she'd just bellowed a question to verify his identity. Her favourite place to be kissed? Considering he was currently meeting her for breakfast because frantic schedules had kept them apart for the entire week following their first date, Remus didn't feel at all qualified to answer.
Clearing his throat, he guessed, "On your doorstep, after a date, under a starlit sky?"
As the door swept open, he was greeted by a snort of Tonks' laughter. Remus entered the cluttered flat and found her seated at the small, second-hand dining table. Her hair - in her natural brown colour - stood on end, and she wore a fluffy pink dressing gown and slippers. She held a quill and appeared to be writing - quite feverishly.
"Wotcher, Remus," she said without looking up. "I meant body part, you know, but your answer was such a Professor Lupin one it couldn't be a Death Eater."
"I've only kissed your lips." The table was covered with papers and quills, so Remus set the breakfast basket on the empty chair across from Tonks. "So it wasn't a fair question."
"It was," Tonks argued. "My lips are my favourite place to be kissed." Her dark eyes darted up at him and sparkled. "For now."
Remus dropped his gaze to the table. Though he was not one to intrude on another's privacy, he couldn't help but notice the paper Tonks had been writing on. She hadn't been writing at all, but colouring a picture with green ink.
Suddenly Tonks thrust the paper at him. "Look at this. A memo from Fudge. I've got to work today after all."
"Something's come up?" Remus asked, trying not to let the depth of his disappointment show; Tonks had warned him she might be called in to work even though she'd asked to have the day off.
"Read it." Tonks nodded toward the paper he was clutching so tightly that he'd crumpled the edges.
Remus' eyes were drawn not to the text, but to an image in the corner. Somehow Tonks had charmed it to remain motionless, like a Muggle photograph. The subject wearing a pink cardigan over Ministry of Magic official's robes was obviously Dolores Umbridge. However, Tonks had elongated the nose and chin, liberally added warts, and coloured the skin green.
Chuckling, Remus asked, "Did Dolores Umbridge play the wicked witch in that old Muggle film?" His laughter died when he saw Tonks' lips pressed together in a straight line.
"Umbridge passed a new educational decree."
Remus read aloud from the memo, "In the event that the headmaster of Hogwarts is unable to provide a candidate for a teaching post, the Ministry should select an appropriate person." He looked at Tonks with a shrug. "I assume this has to do with Defence Against the Dark Arts?"
At several Order meetings during the summer, he'd inadvertently caught snatches of conversations between Dumbledore and Snape regarding the vacant Hogwarts post and the Ministry's pressure on the headmaster to fill it.
"Go on," said Tonks impatiently.
Remus silently perused the memo, but he only had to read through the third paragraph to grasp why Tonks was so overwrought. "They've appointed Umbridge to the post?"
Nodding, Tonks snatched the paper from Remus. She dipped her quill in the inkpot, drew it out - now dribbling black across the parchment, and completed the altered photograph by scribbling a wide-brimmed, pointy hat atop Umbridge's head.
Remus moved the picnic basket to the floor and seated himself across from Tonks. "What, is she going to teach the students how to pass discriminatory legislation?"
"Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?" Tonks swept her arm across the table, knocking her papers and quills to the floor. "It's insulting to Hogwarts, insulting to Dumbledore, insulting to you…"
Remus had just used a Scourgify spell to neatly stack Tonks' work implements against the wall, but now turned sharply to the Auror. "To me?"
"After that fiasco with Barty Crouch, they should have begged you to come back."
Despite Tonks' vehement defence of him, Remus bristled at her mention of his former teaching position. The loss of the job he had loved at the school that was like home still perturbed him, though he did not like to let on. Fearing his face would reveal his emotion, Remus quickly bent to unpack their food.
"On the contrary," he said stiffly as he set the toast and kippers on the table and cast a warming spell over it. "After having a werewolf and a Death Eater in the post, I am hardly surprised the Ministry would step in to appoint a teacher."
Tonks summoned the kettle and, in the process of filling Remus' cup, poured a fair amount onto the table. "But Umbridge?"
"I agree, she is a poor choice."
"Do you know what she said to me last time I saw her?"
Remus choked on his toast as Tonks's pretty, heart-shaped face widened and flattened into the toad-like one of Dolores Umbridge.
"Hem hem," she coughed, "Miss Tonks, I myself am quite partial to pink…." With another hem, hem, she rustled the dressing gown she'd transfigured into Umbridge's cardigan. "…But you had best not get too attached to your…hair." The last word was laced with such disdain that Remus felt self-conscious about his too-long, greying hair. "I believe the Ministry of Magic employee dress code stipulates that hair must be…hem, hem…of a natural colour."
Mercifully wearing her own face, Tonks said, "To which I posed the question, what if pink were my natural colour?"
Again, Remus reacted physically - this time by dropping too many lumps of sugar into his tea - when Tonks took on Umbridge's form.
"Yes, well," said Tonks in the older witch's syrupy tones, "I know pink hair is not a Black family trait. Or a Tonks trait, either, even if some Muggles are so eccentric as to…hem, hem…dye their hair."
Quickly metamorphosing back to her pink-haired self, Tonks leant forward in her chair and said, with an intense expression, "When I argued that pink might be natural for Metamorphmagi, Umbridge said…" Tonks adopted Umbridge's sneering form for the third time. "Hem, hem, I am fairly certain that pink is not a natural hair colour even among magical folk who merely appear to be human."
Remus swallowed his tea so abruptly that it went down his windpipe. When he had stopped coughing and caught his breath enough to speak, he sputtered, "Merely appear to be-Please, do put your own face back, Tonks." When she had put herself to rights, Remus tried again, in controlled tones, "Metamorphmagi merely appear to be human? Umbridge really said that?"
"She really did." Tonks savagely slathered her toast with marmalade. "She couldn't have stunned me any more if she'd hexed me."
"It's just as well you were speechless." Remus took a slow, careful sip of tea. "Umbridge always gets the last word."
"Now do you see why I coloured her green?"
Remus smiled slightly. "She does fit the Muggle wicked witch mould." Noting the pained expression behind Tonks' laughter, he reached across the table and pressed her hand. "I'm sorry, Tonks."
"I don't care what she thinks of me, but it's still infuriating that people can be such bigots." Withdrawing her hand, she popped her toast into her mouth, then started on her kippers. "I hope I don't run into her today. I might get myself fired."
Remus could just imagine Tonks going out of her way to aggravate Umbridge. "She's not worth it."
"Sometimes I think my job's not worth it," Tonks murmured, drawing her legs up in her chair.
"Of course your job is worth it."
"Why, because the Order needs spies within the Ministry?" she snorted.
"Yes," Remus said slowly, drawing out the word. He didn't want to irritate her further, but he couldn't lie, either. "But also because it's important that open-minded people like you work alongside the bigots."
Tonks smiled, but, glimpsing at the wall clock, said, "And it's also important that open-minded people like me aren't late for work, or said bigots will lecture them."
In the process of un-crossing her legs, Tonks kneed the table and upset her teacup. She reached for her wand to clean up the mess, but Remus sent her off to dress while he took care of the breakfast things.
He'd barely finished putting everything away when Tonks flew back into the room. Her hair was more vividly pink than ever, and she pulled on her Auror's robes over a rumpled shirt and trousers. Remus handed her a canvass satchel, into which Tonks stuffed a few papers - including the memo with Umbridge's altered photograph. She slung the bag over her shoulder, and as Remus bent to pick up the picnic basket, she leant forward and brushed her lips to his.
"Thanks so much for breakfast," she said. "I'll stop by number twelve after work."
"I've got guard duty."
"Right," said Tonks as they stepped outside and she cast the wards over the door. "We can talk over tea. I really want to finish this conversation."
Remus, having thought the conversation was over, couldn't imagine what more could be said on the matter. Something flickering in Tonks' eyes made him dread finding out. But before he could read her expression and discern the unsettling point, Tonks kissed his cheek. Her lips were so soft and sweet, and his mind flitted back to her flirtation about her favourite body part to have kissed. Perhaps it was that conversation she wanted to finish.
He inclined his head to return the affectionate gesture, but just as his lips brushed Tonks' cheek, her smooth, fair complexion turned green and warty. To his horror, he caught a glimpse of Wicked Witch of the Ministry winking at him before she Disapparated.
As he walked back to number twelve, Grimmauld Place, Remus did his best not to think about the fact that he had, in a way, kissed Dolores Umbridge. He hoped he wouldn't have nightmares about his lips pressing against the green, bumpy cheek…Cringing, he made a mental note that when he saw Tonks tonight, he would make her swear an Unbreakable Vow never to metamorphose into that person ever again.
Read Part Two
Author: MrsTater
Rating: PG
Pairing/Featured Characters: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks; Sirius Black
Summary: Third in the Transfigured Hearts series: Remus, having thought the conversation was over, couldn't imagine what more could be said on the matter. Something flickering in Tonks' eyes made him dread finding out.
This fic has been revised. You can read the proper version here.
Part One
"Where's my favourite place to be kissed?"
Remus Lupin gaped at the warded door of Tonks' flat, behind which she'd just bellowed a question to verify his identity. Her favourite place to be kissed? Considering he was currently meeting her for breakfast because frantic schedules had kept them apart for the entire week following their first date, Remus didn't feel at all qualified to answer.
Clearing his throat, he guessed, "On your doorstep, after a date, under a starlit sky?"
As the door swept open, he was greeted by a snort of Tonks' laughter. Remus entered the cluttered flat and found her seated at the small, second-hand dining table. Her hair - in her natural brown colour - stood on end, and she wore a fluffy pink dressing gown and slippers. She held a quill and appeared to be writing - quite feverishly.
"Wotcher, Remus," she said without looking up. "I meant body part, you know, but your answer was such a Professor Lupin one it couldn't be a Death Eater."
"I've only kissed your lips." The table was covered with papers and quills, so Remus set the breakfast basket on the empty chair across from Tonks. "So it wasn't a fair question."
"It was," Tonks argued. "My lips are my favourite place to be kissed." Her dark eyes darted up at him and sparkled. "For now."
Remus dropped his gaze to the table. Though he was not one to intrude on another's privacy, he couldn't help but notice the paper Tonks had been writing on. She hadn't been writing at all, but colouring a picture with green ink.
Suddenly Tonks thrust the paper at him. "Look at this. A memo from Fudge. I've got to work today after all."
"Something's come up?" Remus asked, trying not to let the depth of his disappointment show; Tonks had warned him she might be called in to work even though she'd asked to have the day off.
"Read it." Tonks nodded toward the paper he was clutching so tightly that he'd crumpled the edges.
Remus' eyes were drawn not to the text, but to an image in the corner. Somehow Tonks had charmed it to remain motionless, like a Muggle photograph. The subject wearing a pink cardigan over Ministry of Magic official's robes was obviously Dolores Umbridge. However, Tonks had elongated the nose and chin, liberally added warts, and coloured the skin green.
Chuckling, Remus asked, "Did Dolores Umbridge play the wicked witch in that old Muggle film?" His laughter died when he saw Tonks' lips pressed together in a straight line.
"Umbridge passed a new educational decree."
Remus read aloud from the memo, "In the event that the headmaster of Hogwarts is unable to provide a candidate for a teaching post, the Ministry should select an appropriate person." He looked at Tonks with a shrug. "I assume this has to do with Defence Against the Dark Arts?"
At several Order meetings during the summer, he'd inadvertently caught snatches of conversations between Dumbledore and Snape regarding the vacant Hogwarts post and the Ministry's pressure on the headmaster to fill it.
"Go on," said Tonks impatiently.
Remus silently perused the memo, but he only had to read through the third paragraph to grasp why Tonks was so overwrought. "They've appointed Umbridge to the post?"
Nodding, Tonks snatched the paper from Remus. She dipped her quill in the inkpot, drew it out - now dribbling black across the parchment, and completed the altered photograph by scribbling a wide-brimmed, pointy hat atop Umbridge's head.
Remus moved the picnic basket to the floor and seated himself across from Tonks. "What, is she going to teach the students how to pass discriminatory legislation?"
"Have you ever heard anything more ridiculous?" Tonks swept her arm across the table, knocking her papers and quills to the floor. "It's insulting to Hogwarts, insulting to Dumbledore, insulting to you…"
Remus had just used a Scourgify spell to neatly stack Tonks' work implements against the wall, but now turned sharply to the Auror. "To me?"
"After that fiasco with Barty Crouch, they should have begged you to come back."
Despite Tonks' vehement defence of him, Remus bristled at her mention of his former teaching position. The loss of the job he had loved at the school that was like home still perturbed him, though he did not like to let on. Fearing his face would reveal his emotion, Remus quickly bent to unpack their food.
"On the contrary," he said stiffly as he set the toast and kippers on the table and cast a warming spell over it. "After having a werewolf and a Death Eater in the post, I am hardly surprised the Ministry would step in to appoint a teacher."
Tonks summoned the kettle and, in the process of filling Remus' cup, poured a fair amount onto the table. "But Umbridge?"
"I agree, she is a poor choice."
"Do you know what she said to me last time I saw her?"
Remus choked on his toast as Tonks's pretty, heart-shaped face widened and flattened into the toad-like one of Dolores Umbridge.
"Hem hem," she coughed, "Miss Tonks, I myself am quite partial to pink…." With another hem, hem, she rustled the dressing gown she'd transfigured into Umbridge's cardigan. "…But you had best not get too attached to your…hair." The last word was laced with such disdain that Remus felt self-conscious about his too-long, greying hair. "I believe the Ministry of Magic employee dress code stipulates that hair must be…hem, hem…of a natural colour."
Mercifully wearing her own face, Tonks said, "To which I posed the question, what if pink were my natural colour?"
Again, Remus reacted physically - this time by dropping too many lumps of sugar into his tea - when Tonks took on Umbridge's form.
"Yes, well," said Tonks in the older witch's syrupy tones, "I know pink hair is not a Black family trait. Or a Tonks trait, either, even if some Muggles are so eccentric as to…hem, hem…dye their hair."
Quickly metamorphosing back to her pink-haired self, Tonks leant forward in her chair and said, with an intense expression, "When I argued that pink might be natural for Metamorphmagi, Umbridge said…" Tonks adopted Umbridge's sneering form for the third time. "Hem, hem, I am fairly certain that pink is not a natural hair colour even among magical folk who merely appear to be human."
Remus swallowed his tea so abruptly that it went down his windpipe. When he had stopped coughing and caught his breath enough to speak, he sputtered, "Merely appear to be-Please, do put your own face back, Tonks." When she had put herself to rights, Remus tried again, in controlled tones, "Metamorphmagi merely appear to be human? Umbridge really said that?"
"She really did." Tonks savagely slathered her toast with marmalade. "She couldn't have stunned me any more if she'd hexed me."
"It's just as well you were speechless." Remus took a slow, careful sip of tea. "Umbridge always gets the last word."
"Now do you see why I coloured her green?"
Remus smiled slightly. "She does fit the Muggle wicked witch mould." Noting the pained expression behind Tonks' laughter, he reached across the table and pressed her hand. "I'm sorry, Tonks."
"I don't care what she thinks of me, but it's still infuriating that people can be such bigots." Withdrawing her hand, she popped her toast into her mouth, then started on her kippers. "I hope I don't run into her today. I might get myself fired."
Remus could just imagine Tonks going out of her way to aggravate Umbridge. "She's not worth it."
"Sometimes I think my job's not worth it," Tonks murmured, drawing her legs up in her chair.
"Of course your job is worth it."
"Why, because the Order needs spies within the Ministry?" she snorted.
"Yes," Remus said slowly, drawing out the word. He didn't want to irritate her further, but he couldn't lie, either. "But also because it's important that open-minded people like you work alongside the bigots."
Tonks smiled, but, glimpsing at the wall clock, said, "And it's also important that open-minded people like me aren't late for work, or said bigots will lecture them."
In the process of un-crossing her legs, Tonks kneed the table and upset her teacup. She reached for her wand to clean up the mess, but Remus sent her off to dress while he took care of the breakfast things.
He'd barely finished putting everything away when Tonks flew back into the room. Her hair was more vividly pink than ever, and she pulled on her Auror's robes over a rumpled shirt and trousers. Remus handed her a canvass satchel, into which Tonks stuffed a few papers - including the memo with Umbridge's altered photograph. She slung the bag over her shoulder, and as Remus bent to pick up the picnic basket, she leant forward and brushed her lips to his.
"Thanks so much for breakfast," she said. "I'll stop by number twelve after work."
"I've got guard duty."
"Right," said Tonks as they stepped outside and she cast the wards over the door. "We can talk over tea. I really want to finish this conversation."
Remus, having thought the conversation was over, couldn't imagine what more could be said on the matter. Something flickering in Tonks' eyes made him dread finding out. But before he could read her expression and discern the unsettling point, Tonks kissed his cheek. Her lips were so soft and sweet, and his mind flitted back to her flirtation about her favourite body part to have kissed. Perhaps it was that conversation she wanted to finish.
He inclined his head to return the affectionate gesture, but just as his lips brushed Tonks' cheek, her smooth, fair complexion turned green and warty. To his horror, he caught a glimpse of Wicked Witch of the Ministry winking at him before she Disapparated.
As he walked back to number twelve, Grimmauld Place, Remus did his best not to think about the fact that he had, in a way, kissed Dolores Umbridge. He hoped he wouldn't have nightmares about his lips pressing against the green, bumpy cheek…Cringing, he made a mental note that when he saw Tonks tonight, he would make her swear an Unbreakable Vow never to metamorphose into that person ever again.
Read Part Two