I found myself!!! ;)
As I posted in the Writer's Block post a couple of days ago, this is actually my second LiveJournal account. When wanting to come back to LJ, I couldn't remember what username or email address I used... and without at least one of those things, I couldn't think of a way to find my old account. So I said fuck it and created a new one.
Yesterday I was filled with an intense need to find it. So I went on the LJ search engine and spent 2 hours inputting various info about myself to try and find my account (I went through nearly 600 username/icons in the process).
But I finally found it! My user name was
_nuckingfutz_.
I read what I wrote back then (I was right, it was 2003 when I first found LJ), and... whoah.
It's amazing to see how much we've changed in the past 5 years. Back then, life was a lot harder than it is now (hell, life's never anything BUT hard for us, but it was really bad back then) and I was suffering through a deep depression. Now, life is a lot easier, and while I'll always have depression, it's nothing like it was back then. I haven't had suicidal thoughts since then, for example.
The change in my marriage since his affair has a lot to do with that, I think. Back when I started that LJ account was when our marital problems had really started. And I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to fix it myself. The Hubster, on the other hand, chose to play ostritch and bury his head in the sand. He honestly thought that if he denied our problems, ignored them, that they would just go away on their own. It wasn't until he realized that he'd slipped into a full-blown affair that he finally woke up and saw reality. That's when he confessed everything to me and made a serious effort to heal our marriage - not just from the infidelity but from the original problems that led to the infidelity.
Now? Our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. It's even better than it was when we first got married. I can't even put into words how much better our marriage is. It's not perfect, by any means, but if I had to choose between what it's like now and what it was like when we were newlyweds? I'd pick now, hands down. Even with the affair. Yeah, it's that much better.
But it's definitely interesting to be able to read those words and realize just how far we've come in the last 5 years.
Yesterday I was filled with an intense need to find it. So I went on the LJ search engine and spent 2 hours inputting various info about myself to try and find my account (I went through nearly 600 username/icons in the process).
But I finally found it! My user name was
_nuckingfutz_.
I read what I wrote back then (I was right, it was 2003 when I first found LJ), and... whoah.
It's amazing to see how much we've changed in the past 5 years. Back then, life was a lot harder than it is now (hell, life's never anything BUT hard for us, but it was really bad back then) and I was suffering through a deep depression. Now, life is a lot easier, and while I'll always have depression, it's nothing like it was back then. I haven't had suicidal thoughts since then, for example.
The change in my marriage since his affair has a lot to do with that, I think. Back when I started that LJ account was when our marital problems had really started. And I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to fix it myself. The Hubster, on the other hand, chose to play ostritch and bury his head in the sand. He honestly thought that if he denied our problems, ignored them, that they would just go away on their own. It wasn't until he realized that he'd slipped into a full-blown affair that he finally woke up and saw reality. That's when he confessed everything to me and made a serious effort to heal our marriage - not just from the infidelity but from the original problems that led to the infidelity.
Now? Our marriage is stronger than it's ever been. It's even better than it was when we first got married. I can't even put into words how much better our marriage is. It's not perfect, by any means, but if I had to choose between what it's like now and what it was like when we were newlyweds? I'd pick now, hands down. Even with the affair. Yeah, it's that much better.
But it's definitely interesting to be able to read those words and realize just how far we've come in the last 5 years.