overheard in IM
him: i would like to talk to you .. about us
me: ok
him: seems to me you are planning not to come back .. this makes me sad ..
him: ..or for us to be together
me: i am not planning anything
me: i am unhappy
me: and i dont know if its because of us
me: thats not true
me: it is because of us
me: and i dont know what to do about that
him: i have not been happy either .. for a long time .. but I am more unhappy not working on making it better
me: do you think i am not working at making it better?
him: no, I think you are working on it..
him: but I dont think WE are making any progress ... we are not talking ..we are not together..
him: i dont know .. I miss you ... and want to be hand in hand talking .. working on it .. I think this time away is good .. but without a plan to comeout the other side with a new plan to be togther ... is heartbreaking ..
him: i KNOW i want to be with you ... IF we can see eye to eye...
him: i dont get that from you
me: we, collectively, cannot make progress until we, individually, can work out these huge issues that keep coming between us
him: There is a lot of pain
me: i dont know if i want to be with you .. i am angry and scared of you and hurt and shocked at the things i have allowed to happen
me: i love you so much and my heart s breaking right now
me: i just dont know how to resolve whats good for us and whats good for me
me: i struggle with understanding the gap between my feelings and my logic
him: same
me: my heart wants you sooo much, my head says run !!!!
him: constantly.... i hate reliving all the things that I do .. or you do that .. I want to not have in my life
me: nothing i type seems tobe the right thing to say
him: i hate looking to you for blame .. I hate feeling Im to blame .. i do both
me: blame sucks .. and i dont think we will ever be able to get away from it
me: i do both too and it does suck
him: im afraid too .. we cant get away from blame .. as long as we are poor.
him: the past just does not matter .. if there is no need to use it as blame
me: the past does matter
him: I want to think that if we had bills paid .. we could handle new sets of problems .. without a history .. it a healthy way
him: the past matters... sure .. I mean .. about the problem of recycling the past
me: its not just about money
him: tru
him: but it is mostly the trigger for not dealing with other non-money issues properly
me: what about the way you treat me? how does money relate to that?
me: money has litrtle to do with the way we hurt each other
me: i find myself wanting to be mean to you sometimes
me: that cant be healthy
him: ..yes, cause I AM the reason we cant pay bills... and if you cant be happy .. no fair I should be too
him: i do the same
him: "its not what you signed up for" ... resentment to have to work 40 hours...or resentment to have me do CPN ... etc..
me: this is not about money
me: its about the way you treat me
me: i have lived more poor than i have been with you
me: and was quite happy
me: i dont want to rehash all our incidents and episodes
me: but those incidents and episodes and the anger in both if us is what this is about
him signed off at 9:01:18 AM.
....and then his internet was cut off for non-payment....
me: ok
him: seems to me you are planning not to come back .. this makes me sad ..
him: ..or for us to be together
me: i am not planning anything
me: i am unhappy
me: and i dont know if its because of us
me: thats not true
me: it is because of us
me: and i dont know what to do about that
him: i have not been happy either .. for a long time .. but I am more unhappy not working on making it better
me: do you think i am not working at making it better?
him: no, I think you are working on it..
him: but I dont think WE are making any progress ... we are not talking ..we are not together..
him: i dont know .. I miss you ... and want to be hand in hand talking .. working on it .. I think this time away is good .. but without a plan to comeout the other side with a new plan to be togther ... is heartbreaking ..
him: i KNOW i want to be with you ... IF we can see eye to eye...
him: i dont get that from you
me: we, collectively, cannot make progress until we, individually, can work out these huge issues that keep coming between us
him: There is a lot of pain
me: i dont know if i want to be with you .. i am angry and scared of you and hurt and shocked at the things i have allowed to happen
me: i love you so much and my heart s breaking right now
me: i just dont know how to resolve whats good for us and whats good for me
me: i struggle with understanding the gap between my feelings and my logic
him: same
me: my heart wants you sooo much, my head says run !!!!
him: constantly.... i hate reliving all the things that I do .. or you do that .. I want to not have in my life
me: nothing i type seems tobe the right thing to say
him: i hate looking to you for blame .. I hate feeling Im to blame .. i do both
me: blame sucks .. and i dont think we will ever be able to get away from it
me: i do both too and it does suck
him: im afraid too .. we cant get away from blame .. as long as we are poor.
him: the past just does not matter .. if there is no need to use it as blame
me: the past does matter
him: I want to think that if we had bills paid .. we could handle new sets of problems .. without a history .. it a healthy way
him: the past matters... sure .. I mean .. about the problem of recycling the past
me: its not just about money
him: tru
him: but it is mostly the trigger for not dealing with other non-money issues properly
me: what about the way you treat me? how does money relate to that?
me: money has litrtle to do with the way we hurt each other
me: i find myself wanting to be mean to you sometimes
me: that cant be healthy
him: ..yes, cause I AM the reason we cant pay bills... and if you cant be happy .. no fair I should be too
him: i do the same
him: "its not what you signed up for" ... resentment to have to work 40 hours...or resentment to have me do CPN ... etc..
me: this is not about money
me: its about the way you treat me
me: i have lived more poor than i have been with you
me: and was quite happy
me: i dont want to rehash all our incidents and episodes
me: but those incidents and episodes and the anger in both if us is what this is about
him signed off at 9:01:18 AM.
....and then his internet was cut off for non-payment....