Love & Chaos Knows No Bounds (Part 13)
Isolation
My mind feels like it's been split into two. I don't blame them for putting me in a rubber room. The walls, floor, the inside of the door, and the ceiling. There's no windows and there's one light but the light is so dim that it's almost pitch black for the most part.
Good time for a nap.
The lights from the outside corridor shine in but still it's not that much. The guard who had come to check on Crane called two or so doctors. Dr. Leland was the first to arrive. Crane told her that Joker had come at him and threatened to snap his neck off. She believed him. The doctors took me out of the cell that Joker and I were sharing. They washed off my make shift make-up and got rid of my street clothes.
Good.
They gave me gray pajamas and put me in here. I think they expected me to give them a hard time but I didn't. Why would I give them a hard time? Why would they want that? Joker didn't seem remotely upset that I was being rubber padded, not that I expected him to feel anything, he wasn't that kind of person He was put in a rubber room too but I didn't care. Let him rot.
I must have missed the memo, what happened to you loving him so much and never wanting to part with him?
Part of me wanted him to rot and part of me, well, part of me remembers that night in the alley way. I've been in isolation for about two days, give or take I guess. I don't miss him, well, part of me does but that part is about twenty percent.
Plus 80%
I'm not feeling that vibrant feel I got a while back. I screwed up big time.
Ya think!?!
Crane would tell the other doctors about my confession, I know he will. I don't see myself getting out of here anytime soon though. I guess I deserve to be in here.
You do.
I've been a nut my whole life. A nut in a sane person's body. But that's the problem, I've never had any records of any criminal activity. Up till now, I've been fine. No motives, nothing. But you've heard my story already. Well...not the whole story, not from the beginning anyway. I was born with a sliver spoon in my mouth.
WTF!
My family was wealthy. Both my parents were only children and so were their parents. My grandparents died before I was born. My mother died after she gave birth to me.
What a shame.
But I was always different. Not because I was rich or looked strange. I just was. In fact, since the age of seven, I hated being wealthy.
Oh poor you, you don't like being weathy, live in Maine where it gets to be -15 degrees outside and you're worried about paying for the heating bill.
Being in public school was the worst.
I take that as an insult.
And I knew if I was in some prep private school, it would be more horrible.
Yeah, good cover-up.
All I wanted was a mom. But I did my best. I took gymnastics for about six months when I was eight. Played soccer for a year when I was ten. Took karate when I was eleven.
Arren't we just perfect.
I had no friends growing up. I barely had a dad. He was never home. I guess you get tired of hearing all those daddy stories. How dad is never around, blah, blah, blah.
Yeah I am.
Well, one day he forgot to pick me up from school, like he promised. I was eleven, almost twelve. Anyway, I stood out in the rain for tweleve hours.
That's bullshit, you could have gone back inside, or in that amount of time you could have walked home...dumbass.
A cop picked me up and took me to the station. I spent the night at the police station.
My dad was in a plane accident a week after I turned thirteen. I've been on my own since I was thirteen. When I was in junior high and high school, a couple of kids would follow me home and throw rocks at me. It got so bad that when I was fifteen, they followed me and corned me. I was found on the sidewalk and was rushed to the hospital about an hour later. I got my own apartment at sixteen. I stuck out highschool and went to college early. Stuck out college. Never thought I'd make a mistake in my life. Well, you know what happened afterwords. How the Joker recruited me and what not. How I got all crazy because he was releaving me of my services, even though he never asked me to do anything. I guess I didn't understand what was going on, even in my own head. I drove Rachel Dawes to her death. Then I took off and hid.
I had no need to hear your life story.
I came out of hiding a couple of days later, maybe more. I had hidden myself near the docks. I walked aimlessly for hours. I heard things from conversations and read things from the newspaper. I didn't realize I looked like a homeless person with lipstick smeared across my lips. I remember talking to Commissioner Gordon and then leaving to walk around some more. After that, I started to forget and try to move on with my life. Sure the guilt bit at me from time to time but nothing bit at me more than remembering the Joker. I worked at the hospital, starting with small jobs and such. I found myself being the head of the children's ward. Going out on Friday and Saturday nights with Harley, she was truly my only real friend. But of course, the universe is cruel.
Yes it is, cause if it wasn't I would be normal, but having read this....
Harley was taken from me. Every good thing was taken from me.
That's your fault.
Being in a rubber padded room isn't so bad. At least I'm not in a straight jacket. I lay on my back, arms at my side, legs spread out. I look like I'm about to make a snow angel. I stare up at the ceiling. The ligt above is not bright enough to hurt my eyes. It's so dim, it looks as if it's not even on. I'm not much of a complainer though. A nurse has to come in and give me a needle to help fight off Crane's toxins. I imagine Dr. Arkham isn't too happy to learn what really happened. But they aren't going to do anything about it. Crane's a charmer, he fooled me when he said he wanted to "help" me. I feel angry about being tricked.
I feel____ because____ and I want you to____. Use your words not your fist.
Batman tricked me, Crane tricked me,
you deserved it.
god knows if Crane is actually right.
He is.
I'm nothing to the Joker.
Exactly.
I'm just part of the plan. His plan. In many ways, I saw this coming. But as Ace, I was oblivious.
I'm an idiot.
Yes you are.
I've screwed up perfectly.
SO you just can't screw up, you have to do it perfectly.
Joker is probably laughing his ass off about it.
I bet he is.
Seeing how stupid I was.
Yep.
He's laughing it up. He got what he "wanted" from me. No sense in keeping me around. I guess I just lost myself because of all the stuff that happened. Everything happened so quickly. I was vulnerable to the Joker. He used that. It was so easy and I was so stupid not to see it.
I'll be thanking Dr. Crane for this...
But I'm strong and I can get through this. Just like when I was younger and on my own, but look where my independence got me. I'm in Arkham. Hurray for me. I'm alone again. Everyone's punching bag. And to make this more enjoyable, I know the identity to who Batman really is and for all it's worth, I still don't understand why Bruce told me.
When did this happen?
I feel a boiling anger towards him, it's not hate or dislike, it's anger. But luckily for him, I don't stay angry for very long. It depends, usually.
I'm also angry towards myself. I don't have low self esteem or depression issues.
Because you're a SUE!
I just hate myself for being too involved in things. All I wanted was to stay in the back ground, be ordinary. No, it didn't happen. I was meant to mess up and be apart of the big picture. The worse thing that could have happened, I could have died for not doing anything. I did something and now I'm in an asylum. What if I hadn't done anything? Let's say, I wasn't hungry that night. Let's say, some other person went into that store. Someone else would have survived or died at the Joker's hands.
I don't know, maybe they would fall in love with him like yourself.
I'm still trying to figure out why I'm not dead yet. I'm not that useful. I'm really not. The rubber on the floor is soft on my head. I've stayed in so many different places that I can pretty much sleep anywhere. I want to sleep but...I can't.
My eyes are so tired from staying awake, that if I close them, it will hurt. The toxins had made my eyes tear up, made me crazy.
You were already crazy.
I don't feel crazy. I don't feel like blowing up a city or a building. I don't feel like gassing an entire mall just for the heck of it. I don't feel like causing chaos anymore. I'm somewhat confused. My cookies have crumbled, I've lost my marbles and there's no going back and having a normal life style. But for some reason I don't feel insane. I feel just as sane as I did over two months ago. My pride, my respect, my morals, all of that is still hugging tightly in my brain. Something won't let go. Maybe it's me.
Maybe??
I close my eyes and my lids feel like hot rocks. But my body relaxes and all I can hear are the faint screams from the other patients. The toxins are still stuck to my blood cells. I can feel them working and massaging my brain. I feel like I'm falling deeper and deeper into a black hole. I wish I could have had this drug some time ago.
Druggie! I knew it.
It makes me happy and yet...I don't know why. I was scared when I felt them but now...I don't know what I'll do without them. They'll wear off in a day or so. I rolled onto my side and placed my left arm beneath my head. That's when I went to sleep. I don't think I've slept this good in a long time. It felt good.
Now for the bad part. The part of me that misses the Joker. Like I said, it's a small percent. I miss him because I've spent so much time with him. Being alone isn't a fear of mine.
Do't lie to me.
I spent so much time alone when I was younger. Some part of me doesn't like the loneliness. There must be something wrong with me. I'm in denial about my feelings. One minute I don't want to think about him, the next I want to be with him forever. Now I'm back to square one, sort of. A sign. A true sign. A sign that tells me I don't have to worry about anything. That maybe the Joker has the same feelings and I'm just being paranoid.
He doesn't.
Then again, I'm a complete idiot.
Yep.
Sure I'm smart, good looking, etc.
MARY SUE.MARY SUE.MARY SUE. MARY SUE. ETC,..
But I think we all know I've never been in a relationship before. I'm going about this the wrong way. I'm falling back into the same trap I was just in. If I throw myself out there, find out I was just being used, I don't think I'll ever face anyone again. Being rejected is hard on everyone, don't deny it. I roll onto my other side as foot steps walk past my cell. Footsteps stop outside. I just ignore it because I know it's just another doctor checking in. Making sure I haven't gone nuts from the isolation. Isolation is great therapy, you get to know yourself better. I know myself and I know I'm a complete loser.
YES!
Clinking of keys and the sound of the lock being opened wakes me up. Time to eat or get a needle put in my arm. I hear my stomach growl. I don't even know what time it is. The light from the corridor is bright. I squint a little. But then again, the lights from the corridor aren't that bright, my cell is just dark. My eyes get used to the lighting and then my heart rolls out of my chest. Standing there, leaning against the rubber door way is the clown himself.
JOKER!
He was holding a set of keys in his right hand. He just stared at me, lips slightly parted a few inches. He must have looked surprised that I didn't throw myself at him. I just sat there stunned.
Never in my life would I think that I would be saved from an asylum. I didn't have high hopes for this escape he was planning. I didn't understand. Why wouldn't he just escape? Why would he come back for me? Maybe he got to the front door and forgot he left his baggage behind. I let out a sigh, I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean or something that I would regret. He just stared at me. Like he wanted me to come with him. Didn't he realize the joke was over? That I got it. That he could stop caring about me. That he could leave me behind at any time. But still he just stood in front of me.
"You didn't think I'd forget you, did you?", He asks.
NOOO!!!!!!
I slowly get to my feet. What was I doing? I was supposed to be strong. I was supposed to fight the good fight. Make up for my mistakes. I wasn't supposed to give into him, I wasn't supposed to let him control me. But unfortunately, this was the sign I was looking for. But I could be wrong. I let myself stand a good few inches from him. But that was his plan, he would pull me back in. If I tried to act tough and strong, he would make me suffer for it. I should no signs of weakening. I tried to play a straight face. My mind seemed to slip in and out. Butterflies whirled in the inside of my stomach. I tried to act cold. He was doing nothing. Just acting casually, like he was just passing by or something. I watched as he reached for the handle on the door. He shut the door behind him. The door relocked and we were alone. Joker pocket the keys he had stolen and removed his shoes.
Lord, save me.
I kept my arms at my sides as he touched my face and my hair. I tried to keep focused as his lips caressed my cheek and jaw. I tried to act angry. Why was he doing this?
Maybe you're just his toy, his dirty toy.
Why am I letting this happen, again? Something seemed to snap as his lips pressed against mine. That's when I knew I couldn't fight and win a battle. Not this one anyway. I knew women everywhere would hate me for my act, for what I'd done.
I do.
Letting myself succumb to a man's will. I felt the rubber floor beneath me a second time. I tried to act like I wasn't enjoying it. I tried to be shocked by my own decision. There was just something about him that seemed to have changed but really hadn't. Whether my ability to get myself in trouble seemed to arouse him or the mere fact he could get me to succumb to his way of life seemed to please him, I couldn't figure it out.
I awoke some time later, to find myself in his arms. I felt a wave of guilt and shame. The toxins seemed to wear off and I was thinking clearly again. I just stared at the wall. I was waiting for the doctors to come by and find us. But maybe Joker planned it that way. To make them think he'd escaped. But neither Batman nor Crane were that stupid. Somebody would figure it out. The first time was out of lust and tension. This time...this time it felt like there was something else.
*gags*
I couldn't let myself be hurt by him. If working for him kept me alive, fine. But him making me feel like I'm something special to him, when I'm really not, that hurts. Big time. I know he cares nothing about me. But him asking me "you didn't think I'd forget you, did you?", makes me think something completely different. It's confusing, it really is.
Pity.
Isolated or not, I'll never be able to forget why I'm still alive. He's the reason and I'm still trying to figure out why. He does what he does for his own reasons. I wish things had turned out differently, if I were a hostage maybe things would be different but it turns out, I'm not a hostage. I'm an accessory, an accessory the Joker likes.
You want to talk sad, lets talk about the poor starving kids in Africa.