(no subject)
Too many thoughts again. I have soooo much going on in my life and unfortunately I had that feeling of desperation again the other night. I suck at solving problems on my own. My stomach definitely took the consequences of my stress that night.
Thankfully I have finally started my job. I absolutely love it. According to my trainers, I am pretty good at it and have a knack for it. Most importantly, I feel I have accomplished something good by the end of the day. I work long hours, but it is completely satisfying when you fall into bed and reflect on the day. I am scheduled to take my exam again that I failed before on January 5th. I am a bit nervous but hopefully I will pull through it this time. But I have a lot of nice people working with me and encouraging me.
But me being out of work has finally caught up with Chris and I. The reason for my stress the other night. Chris just got paid and after I paid all the bills that night, if I had paid for my exam out of the checking account, we would be in a negative balance until next pay day. So yeah, I freaked the fuck out. I know that he needs money on the road to survive. As for me, other than gas to get to work, I dont need shit for money. I can survive. Chris's idea for getting through was to not come home for 2 weeks. I was sobbing. Especially with it being Christmas. I know that he hasnt gotten me anything yet and now wont be able to, but I dont even care because I just want him home at least. My parents as usual caught wind about me being stressed and pryed into it. They talked to me and found out what was going on, then had a little pow wow. They decided they would pay for gas and groceries for the next two weeks. According to them, Chris and I need to be together because if we miss each other and dont see each other, we are going to be miserable, hence making them miserable, plus the burden would be hard on our relationship and we would end up in divorce, so they felt that they would once again help us out. I HATE that we are doing this AGAIN! But unfortunately everything I have sold at work hasnt made me any money because I dont have a health license, so I am basically doing voluteer work unless someone sells life insurance or annuities. But I am glad that he will be home for the holidays. But yeah, Chris and I decided to pay for my exam with credit. God, another bill. But at least we have a little in our account for him to get by on.
Mary had called me when I was still freaking out. She came over and calmed me down. She helped me out in whatever way she could and I am greatful for that. Unfortunately, that night I had to go to an office dinner party, and as usual my husband was on the road still and couldnt make it, so she went with me. We went in her car so that we could save me some gas. That was really sweet of her. I am glad that I have such good friends and family.
I know I have had to lean alot on my friends lately, especially in the emotional sense. Whether it is just talking on messanger or phone for a while, or just watching a movie and having dinner. I am glad that I have had someone to turn too. I am learning that I cant do everything all by myself. As much as I think I can, I know that I cant. I try to have such a rough exterior, but I am pudding inside lately. I will admit it. I cry at the drop of a hat, and half the time, I cant even figure out why the hell I am crying.
I am just emotionally exhausted. I need to get away. Even if it is just for a day. Just take Tater and run. She doesnt question whatever I do. Just leave my phone at home. That way no one can get hold of me until I am ready to talk or interact. I am not unhappy anymore. I am just drained and cant take anymore of anyone complaining to me. I dont want to deal with other people's problems or issues. A lot of the time, people try and make me feel like my problems are not even worth being upset about that others have bigger problems and for me not to be sooo ungreatful. And I am not trying to be. I just personally cant deal with it at the time. And I just want others to back the fuck away from me and not tell me how I am suppose to feel, think, or act. I am doing alright right now. I am comfortably numb and trying to get through the holidays.
Thankfully I have finally started my job. I absolutely love it. According to my trainers, I am pretty good at it and have a knack for it. Most importantly, I feel I have accomplished something good by the end of the day. I work long hours, but it is completely satisfying when you fall into bed and reflect on the day. I am scheduled to take my exam again that I failed before on January 5th. I am a bit nervous but hopefully I will pull through it this time. But I have a lot of nice people working with me and encouraging me.
But me being out of work has finally caught up with Chris and I. The reason for my stress the other night. Chris just got paid and after I paid all the bills that night, if I had paid for my exam out of the checking account, we would be in a negative balance until next pay day. So yeah, I freaked the fuck out. I know that he needs money on the road to survive. As for me, other than gas to get to work, I dont need shit for money. I can survive. Chris's idea for getting through was to not come home for 2 weeks. I was sobbing. Especially with it being Christmas. I know that he hasnt gotten me anything yet and now wont be able to, but I dont even care because I just want him home at least. My parents as usual caught wind about me being stressed and pryed into it. They talked to me and found out what was going on, then had a little pow wow. They decided they would pay for gas and groceries for the next two weeks. According to them, Chris and I need to be together because if we miss each other and dont see each other, we are going to be miserable, hence making them miserable, plus the burden would be hard on our relationship and we would end up in divorce, so they felt that they would once again help us out. I HATE that we are doing this AGAIN! But unfortunately everything I have sold at work hasnt made me any money because I dont have a health license, so I am basically doing voluteer work unless someone sells life insurance or annuities. But I am glad that he will be home for the holidays. But yeah, Chris and I decided to pay for my exam with credit. God, another bill. But at least we have a little in our account for him to get by on.
Mary had called me when I was still freaking out. She came over and calmed me down. She helped me out in whatever way she could and I am greatful for that. Unfortunately, that night I had to go to an office dinner party, and as usual my husband was on the road still and couldnt make it, so she went with me. We went in her car so that we could save me some gas. That was really sweet of her. I am glad that I have such good friends and family.
I know I have had to lean alot on my friends lately, especially in the emotional sense. Whether it is just talking on messanger or phone for a while, or just watching a movie and having dinner. I am glad that I have had someone to turn too. I am learning that I cant do everything all by myself. As much as I think I can, I know that I cant. I try to have such a rough exterior, but I am pudding inside lately. I will admit it. I cry at the drop of a hat, and half the time, I cant even figure out why the hell I am crying.
I am just emotionally exhausted. I need to get away. Even if it is just for a day. Just take Tater and run. She doesnt question whatever I do. Just leave my phone at home. That way no one can get hold of me until I am ready to talk or interact. I am not unhappy anymore. I am just drained and cant take anymore of anyone complaining to me. I dont want to deal with other people's problems or issues. A lot of the time, people try and make me feel like my problems are not even worth being upset about that others have bigger problems and for me not to be sooo ungreatful. And I am not trying to be. I just personally cant deal with it at the time. And I just want others to back the fuck away from me and not tell me how I am suppose to feel, think, or act. I am doing alright right now. I am comfortably numb and trying to get through the holidays.