(no subject)
I dont undestand how somehow my life is falling apart. I have become very cynical and hateful. Nothing seems to go my way anymore. My mother noticed the other day that there is no joy in my eyes anymore. All there is are looks of sorrow and always near tears. I have been very blind lately. I was a grown up when I was a child and yet lately I have been trying to get my childhood back and stay a child, but its too late. I dont know how to be a grown up. I cant deal with the world of responsibilities. When I lived alone, I was always able to manage money and keep my bills paid and still have extra money to play with and burn up as I wished. If I ran, I found ways to finance what I wanted. Lately I have been depending on my parents and husband. I think that is where I went wrong. I depended on others. I have always been self saficiant. I can only rely on myself. When shit hits the fan, people blame me if I havent been independent. I am expected to take care of everything, but when I say we cant do something, then I am the bad guy. I hate being responsible for two people. Chris is right. I need to act as if it just was me. I function better that way. I am expected to make everyone else happy and all it is doing to me is making me miserable. Because I am unemployed right now and havent started work yet, I am looked upon as useless. When things go wrong, I seem to be the source of hatred. I wonder sometimes if my husband regrets marrying me. Today he made me feel like I was no better than his previous wife. It hurts when the person you love more than anything in the world can barely stomach to tell you that they love you because they are sooo angry. The situation had been a big misunderstanding, but I get the brunt end of it. I always do. I seem to be everyone's outlet for their frustration. I am convient like that I guess. My purpose in life. Well it is going to stop now. I dont want to end up like my grandmother in that respect. It breaks my heart to see how I have turned out. I am a shell of what I used to be.
What is it that I want? I want my relationship with Chris to go back to how it was when we first started. That loving relationship when he loved me sooo much that he wanted to be near me, surprise me, and love me. I want to finally start work. I have gotten one of my license certifications, all I need is the actual license and I can start. And once I do I am going to work sooo hard that I will be able to put money aside and have everything taken care of. What else do I want? I want my parents to finally be able to stop worrying about my life. For them to know that everything is going to be alright with me. I also want happiness in my life. I dont want to just get by. I want to be successful and happy, and most importantly, not reliant on others. I want to stop being constantly on the verge of tears. That isnt me. I have always been a strong woman who can survive on her own with or without others. I love my husband and would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize our marriage. But he is right, I need to be "on my own", not literally speaking.
What is it that I want? I want my relationship with Chris to go back to how it was when we first started. That loving relationship when he loved me sooo much that he wanted to be near me, surprise me, and love me. I want to finally start work. I have gotten one of my license certifications, all I need is the actual license and I can start. And once I do I am going to work sooo hard that I will be able to put money aside and have everything taken care of. What else do I want? I want my parents to finally be able to stop worrying about my life. For them to know that everything is going to be alright with me. I also want happiness in my life. I dont want to just get by. I want to be successful and happy, and most importantly, not reliant on others. I want to stop being constantly on the verge of tears. That isnt me. I have always been a strong woman who can survive on her own with or without others. I love my husband and would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize our marriage. But he is right, I need to be "on my own", not literally speaking.