Boys...
Sigh...things are....difficult. As hard as I try I'm still constantly wondering about my life....and if at some point i will ever be happy. I think maybe...sometimes...that when i move off, when my life finally makes a huge leap then i can start over with being happy. People are so lucky...they dont even know. I think about my father every day. Its hard to talk about it because people dont understand...they think that I'm fine because I go through the motions and its been almost 3 years and they think i should be over it by now. Anyone who has truly lost someone close to them knows that the grieving process never really ends. I just want to talk about him without crying. I just want a hug, a kiss on the forehead...I just want to tell him about everything that is going on in my life. I wish he were here. Its so hard because I feel like Im going through my life missing something very vital. Its like forgetting to breathe. He saw my brother marry and graduate and he even saw what was to soon be his grandchild in the belly of my sisterinlaw....there i was a measely freshman in high school and what did i show him?? nothing...hes not here like i need him to be. He wont be at my graduation...he wont be at my wedding and assuming i ever have kids he wont ever even get to hear the news...and here i am holding onto all his possesions thinking that hes in them when its just a feeble attempt for me to keep his memory alive. Maybe hes the reason I'm not happy....maybe this is why I've always got to have a guy around or I fall to pieces.
I keep holding on hoping that one of them will stay long enough to fill my enormous gap...something i shouldnt be expecting them to do...I just need arms wrapped around me...someone to be proud of me and do fun things with. Someone who will go to all the little festivals and fairs and to stay in and watch movies and eat pizza or mexican with me all night and to make pancakes with me in the morning. I dont want my life to be about partying and drinking and sex and drugs. I want to be healthy and happy and I want to be up at 6 in the morning watching the sunrise or going for a run. I havent met this guy yet...and will i ever? I honestly dont even care about the whole boyfriend thing at all...i would go for just a guy friend! The only problem is it seems like the only way i can ever get this close to a guy is by going on dates. I guess that's all they're interested in anyway. Mike is a lot of these things but hes also not around a lot. Its difficult when i dont see him as much as i used to...hes a busy guy.
Michael is feeling the repercussions of my past. Seems like i may have pushed him away in our relationship. He wasnt ready to be what i needed him to be and it caused a lot of conflict. He is a teenage boy and thats that....its hard for me because i feel like i was forced to grow up so much more quickly than everyone else. I talked to Michael briefly today. I want to see if i can speak to him without getting extremely emotional and yelling or crying my eyes out. We decided to get together and talk about things...things that left us bitter....or at least left me bitter...not so that we can be best friends but just so that we can be civil with one another..and when i see him i dont have to run into the bathroom because im so upset. This is either something very good or something very bad...thats all i know
Owen.....sigh....Owen is also feeling the damage of my "baggage". Yes ive been left, used and abused and I'm not the most pleasant person all the time. I am the kind of person to say what she thinks when she thinks it which is good and bad. The problem is that hes having issues...yes and its impossible to figure out what these issues are. He is upset constantly...why?? well...he doesnt have a job...no job=no money...another reason?? me...he thinks he has fallen in love with me. I dont love him...not romantically anyway and that hurts him. Although, i dont really believe that what he's feeling is love...in fact i think its the better part of an infatuation. He hasnt shown me anything that makes me believe him at all....hes..spent money on me but i just dont see the love in that i guess. And since that whole thing with the sex i really dont believe him....i guess im not as trustworthy as you thought eh? Well hes not speaking to me at the moment because he's trying to get over me he says...thats fine i told him...i enjoy being around him when hes not acting like a jackass...and i think its a shame but i understand where hes coming from...and i respect his choice
boys...just dont stick for long do they...I'm ready to meet one who will
I keep holding on hoping that one of them will stay long enough to fill my enormous gap...something i shouldnt be expecting them to do...I just need arms wrapped around me...someone to be proud of me and do fun things with. Someone who will go to all the little festivals and fairs and to stay in and watch movies and eat pizza or mexican with me all night and to make pancakes with me in the morning. I dont want my life to be about partying and drinking and sex and drugs. I want to be healthy and happy and I want to be up at 6 in the morning watching the sunrise or going for a run. I havent met this guy yet...and will i ever? I honestly dont even care about the whole boyfriend thing at all...i would go for just a guy friend! The only problem is it seems like the only way i can ever get this close to a guy is by going on dates. I guess that's all they're interested in anyway. Mike is a lot of these things but hes also not around a lot. Its difficult when i dont see him as much as i used to...hes a busy guy.
Michael is feeling the repercussions of my past. Seems like i may have pushed him away in our relationship. He wasnt ready to be what i needed him to be and it caused a lot of conflict. He is a teenage boy and thats that....its hard for me because i feel like i was forced to grow up so much more quickly than everyone else. I talked to Michael briefly today. I want to see if i can speak to him without getting extremely emotional and yelling or crying my eyes out. We decided to get together and talk about things...things that left us bitter....or at least left me bitter...not so that we can be best friends but just so that we can be civil with one another..and when i see him i dont have to run into the bathroom because im so upset. This is either something very good or something very bad...thats all i know
Owen.....sigh....Owen is also feeling the damage of my "baggage". Yes ive been left, used and abused and I'm not the most pleasant person all the time. I am the kind of person to say what she thinks when she thinks it which is good and bad. The problem is that hes having issues...yes and its impossible to figure out what these issues are. He is upset constantly...why?? well...he doesnt have a job...no job=no money...another reason?? me...he thinks he has fallen in love with me. I dont love him...not romantically anyway and that hurts him. Although, i dont really believe that what he's feeling is love...in fact i think its the better part of an infatuation. He hasnt shown me anything that makes me believe him at all....hes..spent money on me but i just dont see the love in that i guess. And since that whole thing with the sex i really dont believe him....i guess im not as trustworthy as you thought eh? Well hes not speaking to me at the moment because he's trying to get over me he says...thats fine i told him...i enjoy being around him when hes not acting like a jackass...and i think its a shame but i understand where hes coming from...and i respect his choice
boys...just dont stick for long do they...I'm ready to meet one who will