"Touché, magic hallway!"
I'm beginning to hate myself more than usual these days.
A long time ago, I'd say close to two years, a person well experinced in the ways of being crazy told me that the majority of my problems stem from me being two different things: A heartless perfectionist and a motivation-less lazy ass. This is why I hate a lot of things.
I want to be a writer, right? But every time I write something down, I hate it. Each time someone comments on it and says they like it, I believe they are full of shit and stooping to some level of sympathy to get me to shut the fuck and move on. I'm not proud of a single thing I've done.
And the things I haven' done piss me off as well.
I won't even start on something because I know I can't make it perfect. Sub-par depresses me, and I can't start something because I'm aware of the self sabotage ahead when it doesn't end exactly as I wanted it.
So there you have it. I'm lazy, so when I try to do something and don't put in all the effort I can, I hate it. And I won't even begin on something I know I can't make the be all, end all, praise-me-like-an-idol, perfection of whatever I do.
I've missed out on a lot of things that could have made me really happy if I hadn't just accepted imperfections or just done it right. I regret a lot, and it kills me.
So, yeah. I'm coo-coo in the coconut.
And many other things have been bothering me lately as well. I'm paranoid, and honestly think you all hate me. You talk about me behind my back, lie to me, pretend to like me, and even go as far as to sabotage me. Sane Dan knows none of this is true, but the overpowering demon Insane Dan thinks he is a poor excuse of a human and people are just entertaining him until they can get rid of him. Some of these are fake, some of these apply to multiple people.
I feel as if I need to confess things to people. But I don't have the balls to outright do it. Probably a perfectionist thing again. So I'm not going to name names and well, just go to town. Some of you will read this, some of you won't. Don't even try to guess who is who. You all know I speak before I think and say stupid things. Just accept that.
1. Listen, you're a bitch. And a stupid one at that. You've been hurting yourself over a choice you've made that people obviously have warned you about. And when you come crying to your friends, and I point out your flaws, I get ousted. Fuck that. You're an idiot. Go suffer.
2. You're going to expect me to do something because no one else can, and I really just don't want to. You don't know that it's killing me inside, but it is. You're going to lay this massive burden on me years from now but it's ripping me apart now. It keeps me up at night.
3. I feel as if I ruined something for you, and I apologize. But if you knew the havoc you have brought onto my mind scape, you wouldn't even talk to me anymore. Whatever, I think it's a seasonal thing but you're a mind plague. If you could kindly get the fuck out of my brain, that'd be great.
4. I feel as if I've been using you for quite some time, and won't be able to make it up to you exactly how I want to. I feel totally in debt to you and even guilty. I vow to set things right in the near future.
5. Life has taken a huge shit on you, and I feel bad that there is nothing I can do but sit and try to say something to take the edge off. And a lot of people don't realize it. If I could fix everything for you, I would.
6. You lied to me, then expect me to be completely honest with you? I make one goof up and you tear me a new one, while I was able to sit back and accept the fact that you assumed I'd be so much of an idiot to not even know what you did? Set your shit straight, dude.
7. I was this close. Honestly. But then you changed. Sorry.
8. I get it, I annoy you. But instead of dropping me off the face of the planet, then think about me years from now and wonder why we don't talk anymore, can we just sort shit out? We're both stubborn fuck wads, and won't get anywhere unless we just sit down and talk.
9. You're a bitch, and you've ruined him. Once he realizes his mistake painfully too late, he'll be so much more better off.
10. Stop fucking walking all over me. You're going to regret it.
11. I'm really going to miss you, and I don't think it's hit me quite yet.
12. You hate the world for no good reason and think it's going to stop you from everything. Suck it up and work, you have it in you. Don't waste away.
13. Every time you say it, then try to cover it up, I hate you that much more. Stop treating me like I'm fucking 7.
I think 13's enough. No one's going to read this anyway.