(no subject)
Too many people think Marilyn Manson is scary.. is it bad that I don't? Some of his songs are more related to life than we all know. All we see is a scary face and think, Jesus Christ he is going to hell. Funny that the most "religious" people don't know the man, but will judge them. Mary thinks I am becoming atheist. Maybe I am. Who knows. I could go on, but I don't want to make people judge me by what i say about god.
My life is still getting boring every second I'm alive. I want to go on tour. I want to see Vicki and Amy. I want to be with my friends, I want to have friends. I want a little more than what I'm getting in life. I want to know what I want in life, and who I want to be. I thought I had it all planned out last year, but people who are much older than me don't even know what they want in life. They say that they have it all, but don't. They say that oh a house and money and a car will make me happy, but what about love, and accomplishment? What if you are only given one period of life where you know life, and that is your only chance? And you will never have another time. I keep thinking that my past will never come close to what I have now. As I wake up each day I seriously consider why I'm alive. I don't know what I mean to people, or if I mean anything. I know I can be a better friend and daughter, but what if people only keep me around because I have been with them for so long. I thought tonight, what keeps me with my mom? I'm not as good as a daughter as I should be. I feel like I'm only home because I have nowhere else to go and live, yet she keeps me. I'm not the perfect girl, and I have to be ok with that. I am nothing anyone wants. So who am I suppose to be with? Or am I suppose to even be with someone? I keep on wanting to say yes I am. .. but I don't know anymore.
Maybe I should just focus on school, winterguard, and teaching. Maybe I shouldn't interact with people. Maybe if I did that I wouldnt be sad and dissapointed in so many people. Maybe the perfect guy will come find me, and be someone I have never met. I want that. I want a guy that doesn't know me, that doesn't know my friends. A guy that wasn't warned about me, or heard shit. I want someone new. Someone I can have a separate life with. .. man I wish my wants could turn into something more. I shouldn't worry though. I am young right? ... and lonely. I miss justin, but I know he doesn't miss me, and that kills me. I can't keep one guy friend. I don't really like hanging out with girls too much because of the drama, so I keep friendships with guys. Now that that is going down the drains am I going to have no one? I miss my old life. I miss what I had a year or two ago. I wish I didn't know certain people, or certain relationships didn't change. I wish that I was back into the life where I didn't have to worry about what life is really going to bring me. I just wish something else for a something life.