How things change - and how they are still an absolute mess!
last night was weeeeeiiiird! (bristolian pronunciation!)
I didn't go to karate, but everyone came round after to see if I wanted to go to the pub.. so we did & it was shut, lol.. well it was about 11pm so we decided to come back with vodka and port...... and the odd drop of coke!
So.... we all ended up on my bed.. not in a dirty way ha ha. We were just watchin tele. Mike & Alex were kinda cuddling up right away, and Paul moved so he could cuddle me....... mmmm :D. It was weird talking to them trying not to get distracted by him stroking my arms and well aware that they could see as well!!!
Anyway we had a good laugh.. Alex did Mike's hair up in piggy tails :D which was verrrrry funny (yeahhh pictures to go on facebook haha!)
When it was time to go... Alex & Mike went downstairs.. and Paul was like "2 minutes" to them.. he he.
Then we went back down and they obv weren't ready to go, so *ahem*....
then we went outside to say goodbye lmao and Paul grabbed Mike & was like "Mike give us a kiss goodbye" & they kissed each other on the cheek hahaha.. and then Alex came and kissed me (on the cheeeeek).. apparently she is quite open to kissing other girls, so I might have to be sure to tell her that I am not! Yeah I've decided I'm definitely not gay, not even a tiny bit!
Anyhow after they left, me & Mike were having a bit of a heart to heart. He was saying that he still loves me and stuff, but he is starting to fall for Alex the same way he liked me (about 4 years ago when we first met!). It's a little weird. He says it upsets him when I joke about things although he knows he shouldn't be jealous he doesn't like hearing about me being with other men.
Paul came on the net at the same time... I think I was talking to him til gone 5am.. lol...
even after 30mg zopiclone.. oh yeahhhh!
I finished the vodka anyway, I swear I must have had at least twice as much as anybody else. Which reminds me...
on MSN then Paul said to me that I drink too much and he's worried, especially with the medication. I just said I'm fine.. but he wants me to bring it up at the doctors today.. I just said that was prob a bad idea because they could take me off my best meds! I'm not compromising Lorazepam for anyone - sorry!!!
Anyhow, I don't agree that I've got a drinking problem. The drink has almost certain replaced food... not altogether ;) I've been eating soup and fruit mostly... then in the evenings getting plastered... every single night for the past week I've had alcohol. I am actually quite glad because my tolerance is going up and it makes me look like less of a lightweight. In a weird fucked-up way I like the fact he thinks I drink too much, I'll drink to that! Ha ha.. I can't take it seriously.
I've not cut for what seems like ages but I know in reality is just days.. but when days are up & down and difficult to cope with, you notice it's been a while. I've not taken any proper overdoses.. despite the fact it's been very seriously considered. So really I am doing quite well. It's nice that alcohol is socially accepted, and it's a good outlet.
~My mouth tastes like shit the next morning though I think that is to do with fags and zopiclone...... when Paul stayed over the other night and got up in the morning, I was like *ahem* U don't want to kiss me!!! Well, no tonguesssssss hahaha.
Enough details.
I am really glad about last night and getting things a bit clearer and feeling able to talk to Alex.
Tonight I'm going training somewhere new with Paul. I am a little anxious, but I am sure he'll look after me :)!! He can excuse my eccentric behaviour now he knows my secrets.
Oooh and I told him my diagnosis last night...
"i really wish i could be there for you right now"
"im just so sorry"
"you're just about one of the nicest people i've ever met" <-------- LOL
"you dont deserve this"
"all the meds and problems"
And later on lol "In the info on your disorder it says you are prone to risky sex"...... haha.
His girlfriend was upset she hadn't texted him back & said she'd really mised him the past few days... the days he said he has been enjoying spending with me. "I haven't missed her this time round when usually I can't spend a day apart." "She is amazing" "so why have I been brushing her off with texts" "unless you're more amazing lol" <- glad he found that one funny.
so what do you think aboutt he situation ive gotten myself into....?
i dont want to upset anyone, but im worried im angling someone up for one all the same
and neither of u deserve that
i should just be gay and do alex the favour she wants
urghh but this is a new side to me....... i didnt even know i could put anyone else in this position
i thought i had me down
i cant believe i got naked in front of you
i hate my body soo much, i was embarressed to be next to you
you shouldnt have been embarrased
well i was
lol
you shouldnt hate your body either!!!!!! Trust me
i know lol
my gosh we're all secret mentalists aren't we!
im not normally turned on by revealing underwear
hehe really..
no, because some women think that just becasue its sexy, that it automatically makes them sexy
which it dont
but youre just all giggles and smiles, and dear god that was hot
you drink too much
shouldnt take pills with it tho :p
-Jo said somethin daft here which is edited out-
see its things like that that worry me too
what you need is oil baths, smelling salts, daily exercise and massages every day, you need to eat more and more regularly, get your body into a rountine and i reckon you could come off some of your meds and feel a good bit better
Edit - *Jo summarises current behaviour patterns*
youre practically not there!
lol
thanksssssssss!!!
not a good thing
think i u should come round and massage me more !!!!
id be happy to
we'd both need to be naked tho
just worried you know
about
this becoming a sex thing
ive never slept with anyone i didnt care about as well
and i wouldve been content to just hug you all night
i just need to see how i feel on the weekend
im not looking forward to sunday
kiran is coming to stay?
yup
i can stay away if you want me to, i think you said she be training to?
you may as well train, its guna be uncomfortabe enough with alex there
alex doesnt like her because shes my gf and alex is jealous that i could be close with anyone else
so my aim this weekend is to find out how much or little i truely missed kiran in the last two weeks