Dean Winchester vs. The Poorly Thought Out Plot…
Title: Dean Winchester vs. The Poorly Thought Out Plot
Author: mrscastielftw
Rating: PG - 13 (Language)
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just borrowed it and I will return it when I am finished - unfortunately.
Genre: A Poor Attempt At Crack
Summary: Written for the prompt Dean, Castiel, Sam and Bobby and a bag of Bugles.
Author’s Note: This is terrifyingly horrendous and I apologize profusely.
Dean Winchester vs. The Poorly Thought Out Plot…
Most of the things Dean hates about angels can be summed up in one word…Gabriel. Being allies in a fight, does not make up for killing someone hundreds of times. Also, and this was in Dean’s opinion the worst of all of Gabriel’s offenses, you never impersonate anyone’s TV hero. That really goes double when the hero in question happens to be the epic awesome badassedness that is Dr. Sexy. The archangel had, for the time being, decided to say goodbye to TV-land and had moved on to movies. Even Dean would admit it had been pretty awesome at first…
Dean had woken up early in one of Bobby’s spare rooms. He forced himself into the kitchen and the delicious smell of fresh coffee. A strange music coming from the library caught his attention and he moved closer to see what was happening. That is when he saw it…the sight that would forever be burned into his retinas. Dean shook his head and rubbed his eyes. This could not be real. Things like this just didn’t happen or at least they didn’t happen with him as a spectator.
In the center of the room, Sam and Bobby were tap dancing and if that wasn’t enough to make this simultaneously the weirdest and best morning ever Dean then gazed at their elaborate costumes. Sam was wearing a darling little dress and his normally shaggy hair was hanging in perfect ringlets. Bobby was wearing a sailor’s uniform, complete with a little white hat. It hit Dean suddenly that this is all very familiar. Though really shouldn’t be, because dude it wasn’t like he saw his brother in drag tap dancing with their surrogate father figure who happened to be sporting full on naval gear. He was sure it wasn’t his birthday or Christmas, but this was by far the best present he has ever received.
Dean’s brief delight was cut short by a tap on his shoulder. He spun to face Gabriel or more accurately, he spun to face about four inches over Gabriel’s head, but then he readjusted his gaze and glared at the archangel. “Hey Deano. I always knew Sam would make a great Shirley Temple.”
Well, that explains what was so familiar. Dean narrowed his gaze and spat out, “Gabriel.”
“Don’t worry. It isn’t permanent, just a little bit of fun.” The music filling the room slowly died and everything returned to normal. Well, mostly normal as Sam and Bobby were still in costume.
Sam attempted to bamf walk over to were the archangel stood with his brother, but his baby-doll style dress and ringlets that swished around his face made it impossible for him to pull off anything other than cute little princess. He quickly gave up any pretenses of looking tough and just stood behind Dean as backup. Not that it mattered, because with a flutter of wings, Gabriel was gone.
“Dude, what the hell was that all about?” Dean had a sudden unsettled feeling as he heard the sound of wings in the kitchen followed by running water.
Stepping into the library carrying a bucket of water, Gabriel’s mischievous grin widened, “Dean, I don’t want you to think that I forgot about you. However, I felt that you would appreciate something a little more modern, but still a classic. I really wanted you to be able to make a SPLASH in this role. Enjoy and don’t worry it will be gone by tomorrow.” Gabriel dumped the bucket on Dean and vanished with a giggle.
Dean felt the cold water hit him and he fell to the floor. He wasn’t sure exactly what had happened, but he knew his body felt wrong. He raised his head and looked down to see that were his legs should be there was a dark blue scaly tail. Really, Sam and Bobby got to do a little dance and he is a damn merman. As his tail started to dry, Dean felt immediate and horrible pain like his skin was on fire. Before he could even call out, Sam and Bobby were in action. They threw him unceremoniously into the bathtub that was being filled with water. Then, Bobby went to research possible solutions and Sam pulled out his phone to call Cas, while he went to the kitchen to find salt to add to the water. Cas appeared beside the tub, stared at Dean intensely, and made his way into where Bobby was researching. Seriously, no angelic words of encouragement.
Dean hadn’t felt this bad since that werewolf attack when he was thirteen. Every part of him ached and he was pretty sure he pulled something in his back. He tried to shift into a less painful and cramped position, but the bathtub was not made for a six foot tall merman. That wasn’t a thought he ever wanted to have or ever wanted to have again.
Then it hit…the worst craving Dean had ever had. “Sam you got to go get me some caramel Bugles.”
“You have an actual tail, don’t you think we should focus a way to get rid of it and not junk food?”
“No.”
“Dean…” Sam said as he poured the salt into the water.
“Sammy, remember when I practically raised you and I always gave you the last bowl of Lucky Charms, even if it meant that I didn’t get any?” Sam nodded. “All I have ever wanted from you is one bag of caramel Bugles. Dude. Seriously, one bag.”
“Fine, I’ll be back.” After all the time Sam spent stuck in tight quarters with Dean, he knows how entirely insufferable Dean is when he is injured or in this case a merman, so he grabs his keys and heads out the door.
Fifty eight minutes later Sam makes it back to the house. He tosses the Bugles at Dean and joins Bobby and Cas at the table grabbing a book.
“Sam”
“Dean”
“These are plain, Jerk.”
“It’s all they had, Bitch.”
“Would you go…”
“No.”
“Fine. Cas?”
“Dean, you cannot just have Cas mojo Bugles.”
“I have a tail, the LEAST you could do is get me the right kind of Bugles.”
“They were out. Can’t you just make do?”
“Samantha Francis Winchester I raised you better than that.”
“Listen Dean, Gabriel said it will wear off in a few hours and until then it does you can enjoy your plain Bugles and we are going to the movies.”
“Wait Cas, you full on rebelled for me. You can’t leave me.” The only answer Dean got was a slamming door. Dean fumed. Even if there wasn’t the apocalypse wasn’t currently threatening to destroy the world, it still wasn’t a good idea to leave a hunter unarmed in a bathtub with a tail.
The hours crept by slowly and Dean found that wearing the Bugles as witch nails didn’t amuse him the way it had at the beginning of his exile in the tub. Dean would also like it pointed out that he in no way condones witches, but witch nails made with Bugles kind of rock.
Bobby, Sam, and Cas returned home roughly four hours later. Bobby poked his head into the bathroom saw Dean’s tail and announced he was going to bed. Sam and Cas went into the lbrary, which was adjacent to the bathroom and began discussing the movie. Sam began to see how illogical it had been to take an angel that doesn’t understand any pop culture references to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World.
“Sam there are some aspects of the movie that I am unsure of, would you be willing to clarify them for me?”
“Sure Cas. Shoot.”
“The setting of the movie was an amalgamation of the real world and the video game world.”
“Yeah.”
“Is that why coins appeared after Scott vanquished a foe?”
“Yep. The coins are like a bonus for killing the bad guys.”
“Please explain why the Wallace character seemed so predisposed with whether the other male characters wore glasses?”
“Well, Wallace personally thought that…uh…the other male characters were more attractive if they wore glasses.”
Cas tilted his head considering the answer and then asked, “Do you think that I would be perceived as more attractive if I wore glasses?”
**Somewhere in the distance, they heard a fangirl yell,
“Yes! Sam tell him yes. GLASSES!”**
Dean dozed off before hearing Sam’s answer. He woke up in the cramped and now empty bathtub with two legs, a full body ache, bag of caramel Bugles, and a card that read:
You Know You Love Me
XOXO
Gabriel
A/N 2: mizra and I are firmly convinced that Gabriel is the real Gossip Girl.
A/N 3: This is mizra ’s interpretation of the fangirl encouraging Sam to tell Cas to wear glasses…
OK, it’s a picture of me.
