Fic: The Hunter’s Guide To The Rift (1/4)
Title: The Hunter’s Guide To The Rift
Author: mrscastielftw
Betas: mizra and hezio2 (Any and all remaining errors are mine)
Rating: PG - 13 (Language)
Characters: Dean, Castiel, Sam, Gabriel, Crowley, Bobby, Captain Jack, Ianto, Tosh, Owen, And A Special Appearance By Myfanwy Plus Many, Many More! (Torchnatural/Superwood)
Genre: IDK…But I Am Going To Say A Weird Attempt At Fluffy Crack AU Of Season 6 (Starting With 06x10) With An Accidental Touch Of Angst And Melodrama…Maybe…Or Not…Okay, Yes *Shrugs*
Spoilers: Season 6 For Supernatural And Season 2 Torchwood
Warnings: (No Serious Warnings) Canon, I Don’t Need Your Stinking Canon!
Word Count: 12,830
Disclaimer: I own nothing. I just borrowed it and I will return it when I am finished - unfortunately. I am making no money from this work of fiction. All recognizable characters and material belong to their respective creators.
Summary: Archeologist and university professor, Indiana Jones, must retrieve the mythic Lost Ark of the Covenant before it gets into the hands of Adolf Hitler, who plans on using its power to guarantee his global conquest…Wait, crap - That’s the plot of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. What I meant to say is this is the epic tale of a fangirl’s desperation to see all her favorite characters fictionally alive and well, as they go on a madcap adventure that takes them from West Allis, Wisconsin all the way to Wales and quite possibly to the end of the universe.
Author’s Note: Although, Supernatural and Torchwood are the fandoms most prominently and lovingly abused utilized for this fanfic, no fandom is safe and I have many random references and quotes tucked into the delicate mess that is this fic. Be on the lookout for The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, William Shakespeare, and many, many more. Hey, I limited myself to only one quote from The Princess Bride. Also, for the purposes of this fic, the apocalypses are as follows: Apocalypse 1: Humanity Strikes Back, Apocalypse 2: Return Of The King Of Hell, and Apocalypse 3: The Wrath Of Gabriel.
Author’s Note 2: This would not be possible without the love, patience, and support of my f-list, especially mizra, hezio2, and strange_quirk.
Heaps Of Thanks For mizra - Beta, Friend, Star Wars Enthusiast - who puts up with all my fandom related angst and allows me to on occasion make Dean cry.
Loads Of Gratitude For hezio2 - Beta, Friend, Crack!fic Enthusiast - who always tells me when things don’t make sense and never questions my Bobby/Crowley love.
Oodles Of Appreciation For strange_quirk - Slangologist, Friend, Picnik Enthusiast - who taught me about the power of dance, kilts, and the glory of minimalist biscuits.
**~~*Preface*~~**
Two fandoms, both alike in dignity, in the fair hearts of fangirls and fanboys, where we lay our scene. From ancient canon breaks new angst, where unfavorable plot points make writers’ and show runners’ hands unclean. From forth the fatal loins of Eric Kripke and Russell T. Davies, a group of characters, many who lost their fictional lives, whose misadventued piteous overthrows do with fanfiction bury their fans’ strife. The fearful passage of their death-mark’d OTPs, and the continuation of the fans’ rage, which but episode codas and crack!fics could remove, is not the traffic on our stage. That which if you with patient hearts attend, what here shall miss, fanfiction writers shall strive to mend.
**~~*Prologue*~~**
These fandoms have - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the fans were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the many uses of the stopwatch, which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the users of the stopwatch that were unhappy.
And so the problem remained; lots of the fans were bored, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with suspenders. Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in following canon in the first place.
And then, one Thursday, nearly six years after one man had gone to Stanford to find his brother, so the two of them could set out to find their father, one girl sitting on her own in a small cafe suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how all of the fans could be made wondrously happy. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to worry about the lack of glasses, suspenders, stopwatches, or waistcoats.
Sadly, however, before she could get to her LiveJournal to tell anyone about it, a series of terribly awful catastrophes occurred in canon, and the idea was lost forever.
This is not her story.
But it is the story of terrible awful catastrophes that occurred in canon and one of the stories written as its consequence.
It is also the story of a book, a book called The Hunter’s Guide to the Rift - not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until the terrible catastrophes occurred, never seen or heard of by any hunter.
Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book.
Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one - more popular than the Midday Moon, better selling than And Then They Kiss, and more controversial than APR.
In many of the more relaxed communities on LiveJournal, the Hunter’s Guide has already supplanted the great Sonic Encyclopedia as the standard repository of all knowledge, canon, fanon, and wisdom, for though it has many omissions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.
First, it is slightly cheaper, due to the fact it is fictional; and secondly it has the word Bollocks inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.
But the canon that led to this terrible, dreadful Thursday, the story of its extraordinary consequences in fanfiction, and the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.
It begins with a hallway.