Going Left Around the World: Chapter 48
Arial">Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
mso-bidi-font-family:Arial">Summary: This is an au/au story told in the first person from Jack’s POV. Jack and Ennis both come from working-class families and bond as the outcast poor kids while attending an expensive private school. The story follows their friendship as they go off to college together and eventually become something more than friends. Love springs up, inconvenient but essential all the same, and they fight to find a way to make it work through their college years. After graduation, however, real life takes over and sends them down different paths, and the fight is on for real as they try to decide if their relationship can overcome their own insecurities and fears.
mso-bidi-font-family:Arial">
A/N: Well, not a super-quick update, but an update nonetheless! I’m still working away at this story despite real-life craziness, so I’ll keep it coming as often as I can. There should also be a Golden Boy update before too long as well.
Thanks to Judy for her speedy and thorough beta work, and thanks to Jane for her pre-reading and feedback. Thanks to Camilla for pre-reading and for being a super-brave and tough girlfriend the past couple weeks!
Thanks to those who are still reading - I hope you enjoy!
jill
Chapter 48
Things got kind of weird after that. It felt like we’d reverted to where we were before all this started, with this huge thing hanging between us and no one all that interested in talking about it. Ennis didn’t talk because, well, he’s Ennis and he doesn’t talk, especially not if it’s something uncomfortable or difficult. Well, back then he didn’t, anyway; I’m happy to report, as of today, that seems to have changed.
I didn’t bring it up because I was scared shitless of what I was going to hear. It seemed like the more it got discussed, the more real it became and the more damage it could do to the fragile equilibrium I’d found in recent weeks. That was pretty stupid; of course ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. But we were young and working our way through some rough terrain, so I think we were both more or less in survival mode.
I had made plans to meet Josh for dinner a few days after Ennis got the award letter, and it seemed kind of shitty to back out just to sit at home and stew, so I went, knowing full well that Josh would be able to tell that something was up in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t wrong, and after we’d gotten our burgers and fries delivered to our corner booth, he went for it.
“So, what happened?” he asked, shoving a fry in his mouth.
I opened my mouth to protest or dodge or deny, but he cut me off with a quick raise of his eyebrows. “Shit,” I said and set my burger back down on my plate. I picked at my fries as I told him about the two letters from NYU, and when I was done, he looked at me expectantly.
“So?” he asked.
“So what?”
“So what did he say? Is he actually thinking of going? I mean, that’s a hell of an opportunity, but with everything you’ve been through lately….” He let the sentence trail off, filling the space with the last bite of his burger. Mine sat, about half eaten and getting cold, and I pushed my plate away.
“I have no idea,” I said with a sigh. “We haven’t talked about it.”
“Wait, you mean, neither of you has said anything for - what? Three days now?” I nodded and he continued. “Jesus, Jack. I thought you guys were past all the avoidance pretend-it’s-not-there crap.”
“We are when it comes to… us. But this - I mean, I knew his mom nagged him into applying, but I didn’t know it went any further than that. I don’t know if he was hoping for this all along and didn’t say anything, or if it was really just a big surprise.” I paused as our waitress stopped to refill our drinks. “And what the fuck am I supposed to do if he says this is what he wants? I just lost the only other person who was ever, like, a fixture in my life, you know? I feel like… he’s all I’ve got.” I know how pathetic that sounds, believe me. But the place I was then - it pretty much consisted of either pure emotion or the pleasant blankness of sleep, which was why sleep was usually my first choice.
Josh pressed his dress shoe alongside my beat-up Converse under the table. “Hey,” he said, calling me back from wherever my mind had zoned out. “I know things are messed up right now, but you gotta know - he’s definitely not all you’ve got.” He shot me a meaningful look and, in a discreet move correctly executed by only the most practiced gay guy, he brushed his hand over mine as he shifted in his seat.
I mustered up a smile for him. “Thanks, man. I may have to call you on that one of these days.”
Josh really was a lifesaver back then, and even more so after Ennis actually left. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just gone with Josh from the beginning, back when Ennis was such a dick about admitting there was anything between us. Josh has always been so together, like he knows who he is and you can always count on him to be that exact person. Maybe if we’d been together, things would’ve been less fucked up, or somehow easier to manage. But you don’t get to pick who you love, and I can’t regret Ennis, or wish him away. Even when it really sucked, so much of what happened between us made me who I am today. And I think I turned out pretty damn good. Interestingly enough, so does Ennis.
Anyway, for the moment I changed the subject and asked, “So how’s things with Dennis?”
He filled me in on his now so-so relationship with Dennis who, while he was a nice guy, lived in Virginia and didn’t have any plans to move. It sounded like the long distance thing was starting to wear on Josh, and while it made sense to me even then, I’d have my own firsthand knowledge about that before too long.
We hung out for a bit, just talking and killing time, until I started yawning and we decided to call it a night. I paid the bill and we headed out to the parking lot, and as we got near my car, we slowed to a stop. Without having to say a word, we stepped toward each other and into a tight hug. After a few seconds he pulled back from me and said, “I know it sucks, but you have to talk to him. Give him a chance, okay? He’s been there through all this stuff, I can’t believe he’d just take off.”
I needed to hear those words, because that’s what I’d been trying to tell myself too. And truthfully, Ennis didn’t just “take off”; we had a plan, or at least a semblance of one, and we went through the motions of hanging in there and trying to make it work. Well… I did, anyway.
“Okay. I will,” I said, stepping back and shoving my hands in my pockets. I forced a smile and he rolled his eyes.
“Dude, please. Just let me know what’s going on, okay? And if you need anything, just call.”
“I will. I promise.”
He nodded and we both headed the rest of the way to our cars, got in and drove off. When I got home Ennis was there, sitting at the computer desk in the living room and looking very engrossed in some chart he was creating. We said a few words - “Hey, how’s it going?” and shit like that - but with him busy working on something, it was an easy excuse to put off any kind of discussion, go right to bed and have all the crap in my head blacked out for at least eight hours.
*****
We waded through the weird for another couple days, Josh’s words of advice in my head the whole time. I knew he was right - I needed to just ask Ennis what was up - but knowing it and doing it were two very different things. But I decided the time had come two days later, while we were sitting around watching TV after dinner. The thoughts about when, where and how to bring up the subject had gotten louder and louder in my head until they were all I could hear, and as Ennis sat up from his slouched position on the couch, stretched and mumbled something about going to take a shower, the damn burst.
“So, what’s the deal?” I asked abruptly, the question coming out rough and more than a little harsh.
He’d started to stand up, but he sat back down. “What’s the deal with what?” he asked, his eyes fixed on the carpet at his feet.
Classic Ennis response, of course. “Jesus, Ennis. You know what I’m talking about - the NYU thing. Are you going? Not going? Joining the Peace Corps and moving to Calcutta?”
He sighed and dropped his head into his hands. He was quiet for a few seconds, then turned his head to the side to look at me. “I don’t know.”
Thank god he made eye contact, because what I saw in his face - a pained, sad expression as he looked at me - kept me from completely losing it and turning the whole thing into a huge fight that it didn’t have to be yet. That one glance told me that, if nothing else, this wasn’t easy for him either.
“So, what then?” I asked, scooting closer to him. “You’re just thinking about shit and haven’t decided anything?”
He nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Oh. Okay.” I didn’t really know where to go from there. Without a decision, there wasn’t anything to fight about or celebrate, and I wasn’t in a place yet where I was going to beg him not to go, so I just stayed quiet. I reached a hand over and gave his thigh a little squeeze and he flopped back against the couch, covering his face with his hands.
“I’m just so fucking sick of thinking about all of it,” he said, muffled from behind his palms. “I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.” He dropped his hands into his lap and stared up at the ceiling. “And I’m getting it from like fifteen different people about how I have to hurry up and make a decision.”
I figured fifteen was probably an exaggeration, but I could guess that his mom was definitely on his ass about it, and probably one or more of his coaches, and maybe some teammates too. I hadn’t said a word about it in a while, but we had one of those relationships at that point where that didn’t really matter - he knew what I thought and what I wanted as far as the school situation went.
I didn’t know what else to say, so I still kept my mouth shut and just sat there until I felt his hand cover mine, still resting on his leg. “It’s a really good opportunity,” he said almost in a whisper.
I glanced over and he wasn’t looking at me, so I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or to himself. And as much as it sucked to admit and it wasn’t what I wanted, I couldn’t argue with him. “Yeah,” I whispered back, swallowing hard.
We sat there for a couple more minutes until he shook his head, like he was bringing his brain back from somewhere else, and said, “I don’t fucking know. How about that shower? Want to come?”
I caught the wink he threw me with the double meaning in his words and I couldn’t help but smile. “Always,” I answered.
He grabbed my hand and tugged me up from the couch, and we headed down the hall to the bathroom, postponing the inevitable for at least one more night. Well, it was three more nights, to be exact.
Four days later, when I got home from the library where I’d spent the afternoon collecting articles for a final paper, I caught the tail end of a phone conversation Ennis was having with his mom. A conversation he ended pretty damn quickly when I walked into the room. I walked into the house, shut the door behind me and dropped my backpack on the floor in the corner where it spent most of its time. I could hear Ennis’s voice rumbling from the living room, and as I walked down the hall toward the sound, his words got clearer.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I mailed it.” Pause. “They should have it next week, so I guess go ahead and send it.”
I rounded the corner into the room and into his line of sight, and he looked away almost instantly, his face flushing pink. “Mom, I gotta go, okay? Yeah, I know. Uh, I’ll talk to you later. Okay, bye.” He said it all in a hurry and didn’t give her a chance to protest much before he clicked off the call. If I didn’t know what was going on, I might have thought he was cheating on me or something, but a leaden feeling settled in my gut with the realization of what they’d most likely been talking about. I walked a little further into the room as he tossed his phone on the couch next to him.
“Hey,” he said, trying to smile.
“What’s going on?” I asked, a feeling I can only describe as dread’s close cousin rising up in me. He brushed a curl back from his forehead and started to open his mouth, but before he could say a word I cut him off, taking a few steps closer and pointing a finger at him. “And don’t bullshit me, Ennis. Just fucking tell me.”
He stared at me for a few endless seconds, and then shook his head. “Fine. It’s NYU. I said yes.” And then, just in case I didn’t quite get what he meant by that, he added, “I’m going.”
I felt my insides start to cave in with the realization of what all this meant, but I wasn’t about to let him see it. In that moment, I was pissed and scared and feeling kind of lied to, so I took a step back, let my arm drop to my side and looked him square in the eye.
“Fuck you,” I spat out. I turned and stormed down the hallway, and the bedroom door was securely slammed behind me before a single tear could fall.
TBC
today
yesterday
mso-bidi-font-family:Arial">Summary: This is an au/au story told in the first person from Jack’s POV. Jack and Ennis both come from working-class families and bond as the outcast poor kids while attending an expensive private school. The story follows their friendship as they go off to college together and eventually become something more than friends. Love springs up, inconvenient but essential all the same, and they fight to find a way to make it work through their college years. After graduation, however, real life takes over and sends them down different paths, and the fight is on for real as they try to decide if their relationship can overcome their own insecurities and fears.
mso-bidi-font-family:Arial">
A/N: Well, not a super-quick update, but an update nonetheless! I’m still working away at this story despite real-life craziness, so I’ll keep it coming as often as I can. There should also be a Golden Boy update before too long as well.
Thanks to Judy for her speedy and thorough beta work, and thanks to Jane for her pre-reading and feedback. Thanks to Camilla for pre-reading and for being a super-brave and tough girlfriend the past couple weeks!
Thanks to those who are still reading - I hope you enjoy!
jill
Chapter 48
Things got kind of weird after that. It felt like we’d reverted to where we were before all this started, with this huge thing hanging between us and no one all that interested in talking about it. Ennis didn’t talk because, well, he’s Ennis and he doesn’t talk, especially not if it’s something uncomfortable or difficult. Well, back then he didn’t, anyway; I’m happy to report, as of today, that seems to have changed.
I didn’t bring it up because I was scared shitless of what I was going to hear. It seemed like the more it got discussed, the more real it became and the more damage it could do to the fragile equilibrium I’d found in recent weeks. That was pretty stupid; of course ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. But we were young and working our way through some rough terrain, so I think we were both more or less in survival mode.
I had made plans to meet Josh for dinner a few days after Ennis got the award letter, and it seemed kind of shitty to back out just to sit at home and stew, so I went, knowing full well that Josh would be able to tell that something was up in a matter of minutes. I wasn’t wrong, and after we’d gotten our burgers and fries delivered to our corner booth, he went for it.
“So, what happened?” he asked, shoving a fry in his mouth.
I opened my mouth to protest or dodge or deny, but he cut me off with a quick raise of his eyebrows. “Shit,” I said and set my burger back down on my plate. I picked at my fries as I told him about the two letters from NYU, and when I was done, he looked at me expectantly.
“So?” he asked.
“So what?”
“So what did he say? Is he actually thinking of going? I mean, that’s a hell of an opportunity, but with everything you’ve been through lately….” He let the sentence trail off, filling the space with the last bite of his burger. Mine sat, about half eaten and getting cold, and I pushed my plate away.
“I have no idea,” I said with a sigh. “We haven’t talked about it.”
“Wait, you mean, neither of you has said anything for - what? Three days now?” I nodded and he continued. “Jesus, Jack. I thought you guys were past all the avoidance pretend-it’s-not-there crap.”
“We are when it comes to… us. But this - I mean, I knew his mom nagged him into applying, but I didn’t know it went any further than that. I don’t know if he was hoping for this all along and didn’t say anything, or if it was really just a big surprise.” I paused as our waitress stopped to refill our drinks. “And what the fuck am I supposed to do if he says this is what he wants? I just lost the only other person who was ever, like, a fixture in my life, you know? I feel like… he’s all I’ve got.” I know how pathetic that sounds, believe me. But the place I was then - it pretty much consisted of either pure emotion or the pleasant blankness of sleep, which was why sleep was usually my first choice.
Josh pressed his dress shoe alongside my beat-up Converse under the table. “Hey,” he said, calling me back from wherever my mind had zoned out. “I know things are messed up right now, but you gotta know - he’s definitely not all you’ve got.” He shot me a meaningful look and, in a discreet move correctly executed by only the most practiced gay guy, he brushed his hand over mine as he shifted in his seat.
I mustered up a smile for him. “Thanks, man. I may have to call you on that one of these days.”
Josh really was a lifesaver back then, and even more so after Ennis actually left. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I’d just gone with Josh from the beginning, back when Ennis was such a dick about admitting there was anything between us. Josh has always been so together, like he knows who he is and you can always count on him to be that exact person. Maybe if we’d been together, things would’ve been less fucked up, or somehow easier to manage. But you don’t get to pick who you love, and I can’t regret Ennis, or wish him away. Even when it really sucked, so much of what happened between us made me who I am today. And I think I turned out pretty damn good. Interestingly enough, so does Ennis.
Anyway, for the moment I changed the subject and asked, “So how’s things with Dennis?”
He filled me in on his now so-so relationship with Dennis who, while he was a nice guy, lived in Virginia and didn’t have any plans to move. It sounded like the long distance thing was starting to wear on Josh, and while it made sense to me even then, I’d have my own firsthand knowledge about that before too long.
We hung out for a bit, just talking and killing time, until I started yawning and we decided to call it a night. I paid the bill and we headed out to the parking lot, and as we got near my car, we slowed to a stop. Without having to say a word, we stepped toward each other and into a tight hug. After a few seconds he pulled back from me and said, “I know it sucks, but you have to talk to him. Give him a chance, okay? He’s been there through all this stuff, I can’t believe he’d just take off.”
I needed to hear those words, because that’s what I’d been trying to tell myself too. And truthfully, Ennis didn’t just “take off”; we had a plan, or at least a semblance of one, and we went through the motions of hanging in there and trying to make it work. Well… I did, anyway.
“Okay. I will,” I said, stepping back and shoving my hands in my pockets. I forced a smile and he rolled his eyes.
“Dude, please. Just let me know what’s going on, okay? And if you need anything, just call.”
“I will. I promise.”
He nodded and we both headed the rest of the way to our cars, got in and drove off. When I got home Ennis was there, sitting at the computer desk in the living room and looking very engrossed in some chart he was creating. We said a few words - “Hey, how’s it going?” and shit like that - but with him busy working on something, it was an easy excuse to put off any kind of discussion, go right to bed and have all the crap in my head blacked out for at least eight hours.
*****
We waded through the weird for another couple days, Josh’s words of advice in my head the whole time. I knew he was right - I needed to just ask Ennis what was up - but knowing it and doing it were two very different things. But I decided the time had come two days later, while we were sitting around watching TV after dinner. The thoughts about when, where and how to bring up the subject had gotten louder and louder in my head until they were all I could hear, and as Ennis sat up from his slouched position on the couch, stretched and mumbled something about going to take a shower, the damn burst.
“So, what’s the deal?” I asked abruptly, the question coming out rough and more than a little harsh.
He’d started to stand up, but he sat back down. “What’s the deal with what?” he asked, his eyes fixed on the carpet at his feet.
Classic Ennis response, of course. “Jesus, Ennis. You know what I’m talking about - the NYU thing. Are you going? Not going? Joining the Peace Corps and moving to Calcutta?”
He sighed and dropped his head into his hands. He was quiet for a few seconds, then turned his head to the side to look at me. “I don’t know.”
Thank god he made eye contact, because what I saw in his face - a pained, sad expression as he looked at me - kept me from completely losing it and turning the whole thing into a huge fight that it didn’t have to be yet. That one glance told me that, if nothing else, this wasn’t easy for him either.
“So, what then?” I asked, scooting closer to him. “You’re just thinking about shit and haven’t decided anything?”
He nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Oh. Okay.” I didn’t really know where to go from there. Without a decision, there wasn’t anything to fight about or celebrate, and I wasn’t in a place yet where I was going to beg him not to go, so I just stayed quiet. I reached a hand over and gave his thigh a little squeeze and he flopped back against the couch, covering his face with his hands.
“I’m just so fucking sick of thinking about all of it,” he said, muffled from behind his palms. “I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do.” He dropped his hands into his lap and stared up at the ceiling. “And I’m getting it from like fifteen different people about how I have to hurry up and make a decision.”
I figured fifteen was probably an exaggeration, but I could guess that his mom was definitely on his ass about it, and probably one or more of his coaches, and maybe some teammates too. I hadn’t said a word about it in a while, but we had one of those relationships at that point where that didn’t really matter - he knew what I thought and what I wanted as far as the school situation went.
I didn’t know what else to say, so I still kept my mouth shut and just sat there until I felt his hand cover mine, still resting on his leg. “It’s a really good opportunity,” he said almost in a whisper.
I glanced over and he wasn’t looking at me, so I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or to himself. And as much as it sucked to admit and it wasn’t what I wanted, I couldn’t argue with him. “Yeah,” I whispered back, swallowing hard.
We sat there for a couple more minutes until he shook his head, like he was bringing his brain back from somewhere else, and said, “I don’t fucking know. How about that shower? Want to come?”
I caught the wink he threw me with the double meaning in his words and I couldn’t help but smile. “Always,” I answered.
He grabbed my hand and tugged me up from the couch, and we headed down the hall to the bathroom, postponing the inevitable for at least one more night. Well, it was three more nights, to be exact.
Four days later, when I got home from the library where I’d spent the afternoon collecting articles for a final paper, I caught the tail end of a phone conversation Ennis was having with his mom. A conversation he ended pretty damn quickly when I walked into the room. I walked into the house, shut the door behind me and dropped my backpack on the floor in the corner where it spent most of its time. I could hear Ennis’s voice rumbling from the living room, and as I walked down the hall toward the sound, his words got clearer.
“Yeah. Yeah, I know. I mailed it.” Pause. “They should have it next week, so I guess go ahead and send it.”
I rounded the corner into the room and into his line of sight, and he looked away almost instantly, his face flushing pink. “Mom, I gotta go, okay? Yeah, I know. Uh, I’ll talk to you later. Okay, bye.” He said it all in a hurry and didn’t give her a chance to protest much before he clicked off the call. If I didn’t know what was going on, I might have thought he was cheating on me or something, but a leaden feeling settled in my gut with the realization of what they’d most likely been talking about. I walked a little further into the room as he tossed his phone on the couch next to him.
“Hey,” he said, trying to smile.
“What’s going on?” I asked, a feeling I can only describe as dread’s close cousin rising up in me. He brushed a curl back from his forehead and started to open his mouth, but before he could say a word I cut him off, taking a few steps closer and pointing a finger at him. “And don’t bullshit me, Ennis. Just fucking tell me.”
He stared at me for a few endless seconds, and then shook his head. “Fine. It’s NYU. I said yes.” And then, just in case I didn’t quite get what he meant by that, he added, “I’m going.”
I felt my insides start to cave in with the realization of what all this meant, but I wasn’t about to let him see it. In that moment, I was pissed and scared and feeling kind of lied to, so I took a step back, let my arm drop to my side and looked him square in the eye.
“Fuck you,” I spat out. I turned and stormed down the hallway, and the bedroom door was securely slammed behind me before a single tear could fall.
TBC
today
yesterday