ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
My life is so different now. Of course, change is what I wanted, right? I didn't want to keep stuffing myself with junk food and getting sicker and sicker. I didn't want to keep taking diabetes meds and suffering the consequences. I didn't want to be a fat slug anymore. I didn't want to be without a dog in my life. I didn't want to feel like a failure and a slug and a drain on humanity. I told myself all this, on several occasions, heck--all the freaking time, it seemed.
I had the surgery to change my life. Not simply to lose weight. But to CHANGE MY LIFE. My whole relationship with food. My relationship with everything. My health. Everything.
On Sunday, Mark and I adopted Rafael Aaron Sagarin. Rafe is a 6-month old German Shepherd mix puppy. The only thing he appears to have in common with Floyd is that he is a dog. Everything else is different. My life, which already has been in utter turmoil post-surgery, is now completely different once again. I am feeling overwhelmed by all this change.
I told myself it was what I wanted--change. And I do think that it has all been, or at least has the potential to be, change for the better. But all at once? Please! I should have waited to adopt another dog. Yes, I love Rafe--but I am not ready for him. Not physically, and not emotionally. I can feel myself keeping him at a distance. Not allowing myself to fall in love with him. At least he has Mark, who seems to adore him. I'm no longer worried that we won't be able to provide a good home for him. I'm sure that we'll all make the necessary adjustments and he'll grow into a wonderful dog who I adore with all my heart. I won't feel this out-of-whack forever.
But today.... oh, brother. Today, I would just like to have my old life back. Just for a little while. Just the part where I can make myself feel better with a bag of M&M's. Oh, that would be lovely.