Behind the Bathroom Door
Title: Behind the Bathroom Door
Length: one-shot
Pairing: Jaejoong/Changmin
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He only wanted to make Jaejoong happy. He only wanted to be perfect for him. He didn't expect it to turn out this way and he never wanted it to. But now they're both broken. Writen for kmelia85!!! <333
It's a gorgeous sight indeed. He looks so beautifully angelic in the sunlight that peaks through the thin curtains. Steaks of light highlight his hair and gives his skin a beautiful glow. His dark eyelashes lay thick against the smooth skin of his porcine cheek. It's pretty, and gorgeous, and god how Changmin loves to wake up to him everyday.
He subconsciously reaches his hand over to trace the delicate features of Jaejoong's face. Gently, soothingly, as if he touches too hard he'll break under his finger tips, shatter into millions of pieces and be no more. He's far to precious to let that happen.
Jaejoong stirs in his sleep and Changmin feels the tingle under his fingertip and traces it along his jaw as light as a feather.
Changmin watches as his eyes open slowly from thin slits to those big dark adoring eyes he loves to much.
He blinks a few times until he turns to Changmin and smiles his breathtaking smile.
"Morning," he says sweetly, his voice a bit raspy from sleep as he yawns and stretches like a cat beside him.
Changmin says nothing in reply, simply watches the beauty unfold in front of him.
"You're staring," Jaejoong says with eye's closed and a faint smile playing at his lips.
"I know." Is all that Changmin can say. He knows he stares, but he can't help it. The sight of the other man is intoxicating to him. His every movement seems graceful and without thought. The thinks that if he closes his eyes he'll miss something amazing.
He stares because sometimes he still finds it's hard to believe he ended up with a man as perfect as Jaejoong.
"Hungry?" Jaejoong asks suddenly as he sits himself up on the bed. He doesn't wait for a reply, because he knows it's pointless. And Changmin watches him silently as he leaves the bedroom.
Jaejoong would worry if he told him he wasn't really hungry anyway.
~*~
"How much rice do you want?" Jaejoong calls from the kitchen stove suddenly. Changmin has been watching him move about the kitchen the entire time. His movements effortless as he stirred this, and chopped that. Everything about this man was too good.
"Changmin?" Jaejoong called again when he heard no reply.
Snapping out of his daze, Changmin stood from his seat and walked over to his lover. He wrapped his arms around Jaejoong's waist from behind and propped his chin on Jaejoong's shoulder as he watched him work.
He noticed how much more muscular Jaejoong was compared to him. How his arms could warp around his torso so easily. How his arms were slightly larger than Jaejoong's but Jaejoong's obviously had more muscle.
"You didn't answer my question, Min. Is something wrong?" Jaejoong asked, but still kept his eyes on the stove.
Changmin placed his lips on his lover's neck and sighed. "No, not that much. I'm not feeling too hungry right now." Changmin mumbled into his neck. Jaejoong immediately turned around in Changmin's embrace and placed a hand on his forehead.
"You don't seem to have a fever." Jaejoong said, staring into his lover's eyes.
Changmin smiled, "I'm fine, I'm just not hungry, that's all."
"Since when is Shim Changmin not hungry?" Jaejoong asked with a teasing smirk on his face.
"It happens…" Changmin says and kissed his boyfriend gently. Jaejoong smiled and nuzzled his nose in his lover's chest. "Just sit back down then. It's almost ready." Jaejoong says.
Sitting back down at that table, Changmin's mind began to wander. He began to wonder about things he probably shouldn't wonder about,
Like the fact the Jaejoong was too good for him.
The fact that he would never be able to compare to his lover.
And wondered why Jaejoong would be with someone as imperfect as him.
He didn't want Jaejoong to be as disgusted with him, as he was with himself.
His lover placed the delicious looking meal down in front of him on the kitchen table. Everything on his plate looked amazing and appetizing. Jaejoong has always been an magnificent cook. Even his meals were perfection in everyway possible, but now…
He gave me too much rice.
~*~
He didn't quite know how he ended up here, or how all of this started. But here he was again; bent over the toilet bowl and emptying the contents of that night's dinner into the porcelain dish. He's not sick. He's far from, he would say. But it's not like he would give anyone a chance to ask about it anyway.
No one needed to know about this.
No one needed to know he did this for Jaejoong.
No one needed to worry about him because there was nothing wrong.
He only did this to be worthy of his boyfriend, his perfect prince. He just wanted to be just as perfect for him. That's all he ever wanted.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and Changmin found himself in that same position almost everyday. He sat hunched over a toilet bowl and heaving out the contents of his stomach. Some days he would feel week, light headed, and dizzy. But he ignored that, that wasn't nearly as important as Jaejoong.
Not nearly…
At night he would come from the bathroom freshly showered and dry with the strong taste of peppermint overpowering the acidic taste of bile in his mouth. Jaejoong would approach him in the bedroom, wrap his arms around his waist and say the same thing every time.
"Baby, why are you getting so thin?"
And Changmin would smile weakly and reply, "I've been working out." And he'd leave it at that.
He began to notice how Jaejoong cooked for him more and more lately. Making his favorite foods in larger portions, and Changmin felt sick just thinking about it. But he would eat it anyway as to not upset his Jaejoong.
What's a few more minutes over the toilet bowl anyway? Is what he'd think every time.
~*~
He wasn't expecting for this to happen. He never wanted for this to happen. He didn't know how he ended up here, but he knew he didn't belong. He wasn't sick, he wasn't. Then why was he laying weak and some cold hospital bed, and not at home with Jaejoong? He didn't need to be here, because he knew there was nothing wrong.
"Do you know what’s wrong with him?" Changmin heard Jaejoong's voice from outside his door. He sounded panicked, frightened, it hurt him to hear Jaejoong in such distress over him. This wasn't what he wanted.
"We can't say anything for sure because he hasn't spoken to us." Another voice began, who Changmin assumed was a doctor. "But there are some questions I would like to ask you, if that's okay?"
Questions? What questions would he need to ask?
"Yeah, that's fine, if it'll help." Jaejoong agreed slowly.
"Have you noticed any changes in his behavior lately?" The doctor asked.
"No, none that I can think of. He was always a little weird to being with…" a forced chuckle. "But I haven't really noticed anything different. He has been seeming a bit melancholy lately, and he's been getting thinner too. I just don't know why…"
"I see… Have you noticed any changes in his eating habits at all?"
"No, I always cook for him and he eats everything. That's why I don't understand…"
"There's really only one thing I can think of." The doctor began, "His condition may not just be physical… but mental too."
"What do you mean?"
There's nothing wrong with me…
"He may have an eating disorder." The doctor said slowly and was followed by a long silence.
"T-that can't be right. It's impossible, Changmin has never has a problem with eating. I don't understand."
"That's why it's also a mental problem. There has to be a reason for him to be doing this to himself. It would explain a lot of his symptoms; the ulcer's the soar throats, the weakness, dizziness. I think after we do all we can for him here, you should talk to him. This is a serious matter and should be taken care of immediately."
There's another long pause before he hears Jaejoong answer quietly, "I understand."
He doesn't understand, no one does.
~*~
It pains him to see Jaejoong's eyes the way they are now. Those big adoring chestnut eyes that he once loved were now filled with pain and hurt. He hated himself for having caused him that pain. It wasn't Jaejoong's fault, he wasn't supposed to worry about him. He never meant to hurt him; only to make him happy. But he never would have thought what he was doing would cause the man he loved more pain then he felt himself.
And for that, he was a fool.
"You know I love you, right?" Jaejoong asked like he's always did every night before they went to bed. Every night since he's been getting treatment for his "eating disorder," which they so eloquently called "bulimia," Jaejoong would feel the need to reinforce that statement as if it's his fault.
It's not your fault. Changmin wants to say, but he doesn't know how to explain why. "I know you do." Is all he can manage to say now, or ever say anymore.
"Why did this happen?" Jaejoong begins quietly, as if afraid of the answer. "Why did you do this to yourself? Is it because of me?" Changmin cringed at that statement. He hoped they'd never have to talk about this. He was afraid it would break them even more.
"I only wanted you to be happy, Jaejoong. That's all I ever wanted. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was an idiot and it's my fault. Don't blame yourself for my stupid judgment." Changmin says sincerely, but he still too afraid to look in the other's eyes.
"It hurts me to think that you thought I wouldn't love you for you. It makes me feel like I did something wrong to make you think any less of yourself. I didn't mean to Changmin. I love you so much and I would never want you to think any thing less than that." Jaejoong's voice cracked as he uttered his last sentence as he tried to hold back his tears.
Changmin could practically feel the hurt in his voice and it broke his heart even more. He didn't want it to be like this. He never wanted for it to be like this. He blames himself for having to hurt the man he loved so much. It's not Jaejoong's fault, it's far from his fault and Changmin didn't know how to make him realize that.
All he could do was pull the other into his arms and hold him as tight as he can. This time he didn't worry about breaking this man so precious, didn't worry about him shattering under his touch, it's because he was already breaking.
"It's okay," Changmin whispered into the others soft hair as he held him close to his heart. "I'll fix this…" he says, "I'll fix it."
And it's a promise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: I think my angst muse was scared away by all the cracky, smutty, fluff I've been writting lately. I hope this didn't suck too bad. Only eight more requests to go!!! ^^ Comments are LOVED! Please inspire me because I have a lot more angst to write! ^^;
Length: one-shot
Pairing: Jaejoong/Changmin
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He only wanted to make Jaejoong happy. He only wanted to be perfect for him. He didn't expect it to turn out this way and he never wanted it to. But now they're both broken. Writen for kmelia85!!! <333
It's a gorgeous sight indeed. He looks so beautifully angelic in the sunlight that peaks through the thin curtains. Steaks of light highlight his hair and gives his skin a beautiful glow. His dark eyelashes lay thick against the smooth skin of his porcine cheek. It's pretty, and gorgeous, and god how Changmin loves to wake up to him everyday.
He subconsciously reaches his hand over to trace the delicate features of Jaejoong's face. Gently, soothingly, as if he touches too hard he'll break under his finger tips, shatter into millions of pieces and be no more. He's far to precious to let that happen.
Jaejoong stirs in his sleep and Changmin feels the tingle under his fingertip and traces it along his jaw as light as a feather.
Changmin watches as his eyes open slowly from thin slits to those big dark adoring eyes he loves to much.
He blinks a few times until he turns to Changmin and smiles his breathtaking smile.
"Morning," he says sweetly, his voice a bit raspy from sleep as he yawns and stretches like a cat beside him.
Changmin says nothing in reply, simply watches the beauty unfold in front of him.
"You're staring," Jaejoong says with eye's closed and a faint smile playing at his lips.
"I know." Is all that Changmin can say. He knows he stares, but he can't help it. The sight of the other man is intoxicating to him. His every movement seems graceful and without thought. The thinks that if he closes his eyes he'll miss something amazing.
He stares because sometimes he still finds it's hard to believe he ended up with a man as perfect as Jaejoong.
"Hungry?" Jaejoong asks suddenly as he sits himself up on the bed. He doesn't wait for a reply, because he knows it's pointless. And Changmin watches him silently as he leaves the bedroom.
Jaejoong would worry if he told him he wasn't really hungry anyway.
~*~
"How much rice do you want?" Jaejoong calls from the kitchen stove suddenly. Changmin has been watching him move about the kitchen the entire time. His movements effortless as he stirred this, and chopped that. Everything about this man was too good.
"Changmin?" Jaejoong called again when he heard no reply.
Snapping out of his daze, Changmin stood from his seat and walked over to his lover. He wrapped his arms around Jaejoong's waist from behind and propped his chin on Jaejoong's shoulder as he watched him work.
He noticed how much more muscular Jaejoong was compared to him. How his arms could warp around his torso so easily. How his arms were slightly larger than Jaejoong's but Jaejoong's obviously had more muscle.
"You didn't answer my question, Min. Is something wrong?" Jaejoong asked, but still kept his eyes on the stove.
Changmin placed his lips on his lover's neck and sighed. "No, not that much. I'm not feeling too hungry right now." Changmin mumbled into his neck. Jaejoong immediately turned around in Changmin's embrace and placed a hand on his forehead.
"You don't seem to have a fever." Jaejoong said, staring into his lover's eyes.
Changmin smiled, "I'm fine, I'm just not hungry, that's all."
"Since when is Shim Changmin not hungry?" Jaejoong asked with a teasing smirk on his face.
"It happens…" Changmin says and kissed his boyfriend gently. Jaejoong smiled and nuzzled his nose in his lover's chest. "Just sit back down then. It's almost ready." Jaejoong says.
Sitting back down at that table, Changmin's mind began to wander. He began to wonder about things he probably shouldn't wonder about,
Like the fact the Jaejoong was too good for him.
The fact that he would never be able to compare to his lover.
And wondered why Jaejoong would be with someone as imperfect as him.
He didn't want Jaejoong to be as disgusted with him, as he was with himself.
His lover placed the delicious looking meal down in front of him on the kitchen table. Everything on his plate looked amazing and appetizing. Jaejoong has always been an magnificent cook. Even his meals were perfection in everyway possible, but now…
He gave me too much rice.
~*~
He didn't quite know how he ended up here, or how all of this started. But here he was again; bent over the toilet bowl and emptying the contents of that night's dinner into the porcelain dish. He's not sick. He's far from, he would say. But it's not like he would give anyone a chance to ask about it anyway.
No one needed to know about this.
No one needed to know he did this for Jaejoong.
No one needed to worry about him because there was nothing wrong.
He only did this to be worthy of his boyfriend, his perfect prince. He just wanted to be just as perfect for him. That's all he ever wanted.
Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and Changmin found himself in that same position almost everyday. He sat hunched over a toilet bowl and heaving out the contents of his stomach. Some days he would feel week, light headed, and dizzy. But he ignored that, that wasn't nearly as important as Jaejoong.
Not nearly…
At night he would come from the bathroom freshly showered and dry with the strong taste of peppermint overpowering the acidic taste of bile in his mouth. Jaejoong would approach him in the bedroom, wrap his arms around his waist and say the same thing every time.
"Baby, why are you getting so thin?"
And Changmin would smile weakly and reply, "I've been working out." And he'd leave it at that.
He began to notice how Jaejoong cooked for him more and more lately. Making his favorite foods in larger portions, and Changmin felt sick just thinking about it. But he would eat it anyway as to not upset his Jaejoong.
What's a few more minutes over the toilet bowl anyway? Is what he'd think every time.
~*~
He wasn't expecting for this to happen. He never wanted for this to happen. He didn't know how he ended up here, but he knew he didn't belong. He wasn't sick, he wasn't. Then why was he laying weak and some cold hospital bed, and not at home with Jaejoong? He didn't need to be here, because he knew there was nothing wrong.
"Do you know what’s wrong with him?" Changmin heard Jaejoong's voice from outside his door. He sounded panicked, frightened, it hurt him to hear Jaejoong in such distress over him. This wasn't what he wanted.
"We can't say anything for sure because he hasn't spoken to us." Another voice began, who Changmin assumed was a doctor. "But there are some questions I would like to ask you, if that's okay?"
Questions? What questions would he need to ask?
"Yeah, that's fine, if it'll help." Jaejoong agreed slowly.
"Have you noticed any changes in his behavior lately?" The doctor asked.
"No, none that I can think of. He was always a little weird to being with…" a forced chuckle. "But I haven't really noticed anything different. He has been seeming a bit melancholy lately, and he's been getting thinner too. I just don't know why…"
"I see… Have you noticed any changes in his eating habits at all?"
"No, I always cook for him and he eats everything. That's why I don't understand…"
"There's really only one thing I can think of." The doctor began, "His condition may not just be physical… but mental too."
"What do you mean?"
There's nothing wrong with me…
"He may have an eating disorder." The doctor said slowly and was followed by a long silence.
"T-that can't be right. It's impossible, Changmin has never has a problem with eating. I don't understand."
"That's why it's also a mental problem. There has to be a reason for him to be doing this to himself. It would explain a lot of his symptoms; the ulcer's the soar throats, the weakness, dizziness. I think after we do all we can for him here, you should talk to him. This is a serious matter and should be taken care of immediately."
There's another long pause before he hears Jaejoong answer quietly, "I understand."
He doesn't understand, no one does.
~*~
It pains him to see Jaejoong's eyes the way they are now. Those big adoring chestnut eyes that he once loved were now filled with pain and hurt. He hated himself for having caused him that pain. It wasn't Jaejoong's fault, he wasn't supposed to worry about him. He never meant to hurt him; only to make him happy. But he never would have thought what he was doing would cause the man he loved more pain then he felt himself.
And for that, he was a fool.
"You know I love you, right?" Jaejoong asked like he's always did every night before they went to bed. Every night since he's been getting treatment for his "eating disorder," which they so eloquently called "bulimia," Jaejoong would feel the need to reinforce that statement as if it's his fault.
It's not your fault. Changmin wants to say, but he doesn't know how to explain why. "I know you do." Is all he can manage to say now, or ever say anymore.
"Why did this happen?" Jaejoong begins quietly, as if afraid of the answer. "Why did you do this to yourself? Is it because of me?" Changmin cringed at that statement. He hoped they'd never have to talk about this. He was afraid it would break them even more.
"I only wanted you to be happy, Jaejoong. That's all I ever wanted. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I was an idiot and it's my fault. Don't blame yourself for my stupid judgment." Changmin says sincerely, but he still too afraid to look in the other's eyes.
"It hurts me to think that you thought I wouldn't love you for you. It makes me feel like I did something wrong to make you think any less of yourself. I didn't mean to Changmin. I love you so much and I would never want you to think any thing less than that." Jaejoong's voice cracked as he uttered his last sentence as he tried to hold back his tears.
Changmin could practically feel the hurt in his voice and it broke his heart even more. He didn't want it to be like this. He never wanted for it to be like this. He blames himself for having to hurt the man he loved so much. It's not Jaejoong's fault, it's far from his fault and Changmin didn't know how to make him realize that.
All he could do was pull the other into his arms and hold him as tight as he can. This time he didn't worry about breaking this man so precious, didn't worry about him shattering under his touch, it's because he was already breaking.
"It's okay," Changmin whispered into the others soft hair as he held him close to his heart. "I'll fix this…" he says, "I'll fix it."
And it's a promise.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A/N: I think my angst muse was scared away by all the cracky, smutty, fluff I've been writting lately. I hope this didn't suck too bad. Only eight more requests to go!!! ^^ Comments are LOVED! Please inspire me because I have a lot more angst to write! ^^;