I Married For Money.
Actually, there is a long list of things I married for. Money. Sex. Attention. Companionship. Someone to shoulder half of the unpleasant realities of daily life.
But I'm not supposed to talk about that. We, as a society, refuse to acknowledge and accept the fact that most of us mere mortals marry people for reasons. In other words, we get something out of the deal. Given the fact that we live in a capitalistic society you would think we would have that message down pat. We don't.
The other day on CNN I stumbled across an article on a shocking new book. Which the author hasn't read (ah, journalism, at least she was honest) but felt the need to sort of stutteringly defend. Because, well really, the book's authors had a point and money *is* important.
And she was right. But her apologetic tone and the brazen book title (which just about dared you not to get offended) really irked me. Because it shouldn't even BE an issue.
The sad fact is that society has given us a long list of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Everyone knows that you should marry for love and look for someone with "compatible values". The ridiculous thing is that the whole idea of marrying someone with "compatible values" is really just code for marrying someone whose ideas on money, sex, togetherness, religion, children, etc line up with yours. Just don't actually *say* that's what you are looking for. Because that's when you become a gold digger, a nympho, co-dependent, intolerant, or frigid. In fact, should anyone ask why you are with your partner, you must only discuss rainbows and roses and puppy noses. Otherwise you will be accused of the most heinous crime of all, "settling".
I once had a conversation with a very religious, conversvative gal who was absolutely appalled that I considered sex to be important in my marriage. My position was that should our sex life dwindle I would (baring illness, etc) be doing my damndest to do something about it. To which I was informed that obviously I had a terribly shallow relationship that would inevitably perish when we were old and wrinkly and lacking in sex drive. Clearly my marriage was not based on sound principles.
I see these same arguments come up anytime someone tries to discuss something other than the ephemeral "love" as playing a large role in their marriage. That obviously you have settled for something less than you deserve. That your marriage is clearly less fulfilling than theirs.
What the naysayers miss is that one does not preclude the other. I love my husband more than I could have ever imagined. I fell hard for his sense of humor, his amazing blue eyes, his emotional openess..and yes, his ambition, his drive, and his work ethic. Which considering we were just 19 was pretty much tantamount to marrying him for his huge wallet. And I will unapologetically say that those things were and are important to me. I believe in hard work and ambition. I could not respect someone who desired nothing more than sitting on the couch in his boxers all day. I would not want such a man to raise my children and teach them the merits of sloth. I would be angry at being the only one putting in effort. In short, it would be a disaster. And that's before the bill collectors come calling or the personal wants and desires I would have to sacrifice because of his inability to step up.
Now, I realize that there are people with amazing work ethics who either can't get ahead because of circumstance or having chosen a career path with a low monetary return ("starving artists" anyone?). In those cases, I would have no problem being the primary breadwinner, but I would also expect my spouse not to have their head in the clouds. If my income couldn't cut it or they'd given their chosen field a solid try and couldn't make it work, I would expect them to face reality and move on. Because money does matter. It provides food and clothes and shelter. And all the fuzzy bunnies and rainbows in the world won't do that.
But I'm not supposed to talk about that. We, as a society, refuse to acknowledge and accept the fact that most of us mere mortals marry people for reasons. In other words, we get something out of the deal. Given the fact that we live in a capitalistic society you would think we would have that message down pat. We don't.
The other day on CNN I stumbled across an article on a shocking new book. Which the author hasn't read (ah, journalism, at least she was honest) but felt the need to sort of stutteringly defend. Because, well really, the book's authors had a point and money *is* important.
And she was right. But her apologetic tone and the brazen book title (which just about dared you not to get offended) really irked me. Because it shouldn't even BE an issue.
The sad fact is that society has given us a long list of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts". Everyone knows that you should marry for love and look for someone with "compatible values". The ridiculous thing is that the whole idea of marrying someone with "compatible values" is really just code for marrying someone whose ideas on money, sex, togetherness, religion, children, etc line up with yours. Just don't actually *say* that's what you are looking for. Because that's when you become a gold digger, a nympho, co-dependent, intolerant, or frigid. In fact, should anyone ask why you are with your partner, you must only discuss rainbows and roses and puppy noses. Otherwise you will be accused of the most heinous crime of all, "settling".
I once had a conversation with a very religious, conversvative gal who was absolutely appalled that I considered sex to be important in my marriage. My position was that should our sex life dwindle I would (baring illness, etc) be doing my damndest to do something about it. To which I was informed that obviously I had a terribly shallow relationship that would inevitably perish when we were old and wrinkly and lacking in sex drive. Clearly my marriage was not based on sound principles.
I see these same arguments come up anytime someone tries to discuss something other than the ephemeral "love" as playing a large role in their marriage. That obviously you have settled for something less than you deserve. That your marriage is clearly less fulfilling than theirs.
What the naysayers miss is that one does not preclude the other. I love my husband more than I could have ever imagined. I fell hard for his sense of humor, his amazing blue eyes, his emotional openess..and yes, his ambition, his drive, and his work ethic. Which considering we were just 19 was pretty much tantamount to marrying him for his huge wallet. And I will unapologetically say that those things were and are important to me. I believe in hard work and ambition. I could not respect someone who desired nothing more than sitting on the couch in his boxers all day. I would not want such a man to raise my children and teach them the merits of sloth. I would be angry at being the only one putting in effort. In short, it would be a disaster. And that's before the bill collectors come calling or the personal wants and desires I would have to sacrifice because of his inability to step up.
Now, I realize that there are people with amazing work ethics who either can't get ahead because of circumstance or having chosen a career path with a low monetary return ("starving artists" anyone?). In those cases, I would have no problem being the primary breadwinner, but I would also expect my spouse not to have their head in the clouds. If my income couldn't cut it or they'd given their chosen field a solid try and couldn't make it work, I would expect them to face reality and move on. Because money does matter. It provides food and clothes and shelter. And all the fuzzy bunnies and rainbows in the world won't do that.