Artificial people
I apologize to the people that actually read this for my thoughts on things and not just my daily jargon of things I did, things I ate, and how much I didn't sleep.
Tonight I got a myspace request from a girl in high school. This happens a lot, most of these people follow my myspace to see what I am up to for God knows what reason but I got the friend request and noticed how now she's a 'scene whore'.
This is MY personal definition of what a scene whore is:
Someone who mimicks a lifestyle that is current of trend because they cannot figure out their own.
When we were in high school and middle school, this girl decided she was ghetto (and latino, even though she is caucasian) and all this nonsense and then I guess that was an epic fail so she moved on to this.
She is loser now. I mean, By all means, I"m not the most awesome rolemodel but at least it only took one time to make a mistake to not do it again as opposed to people who are serial mistakers because they enjoy the chaos of their lives.
My life is seriously chaotic enough without it to the point where some days I want to confine myself to hermitage and then some days I am pissed at friend's because I stay up late now because of my new work schedule and they have to sleep.
But, back to the scene whore. Anyways, Scene Whore which we will name "Becky" messaged me and first thing she told me was she loves my 'style'.
Keep in mind, I basiclly dress like I'm still 16 aside from designer purses, ridiculous collection of cute shoes (Which I am particularly proud of) and my collection of vintage dresses.
I still resemble that "anti-authority" hardcore punk I was in high school with a big more grown-upness about it. My use of high heels for example and my make up which can be very toned down to very extravagent. (I like to go big or go home.)
This distracted me for a moment when I noticed she pretty much is friends with everyone I was in high school when she used to make fun of them and throw trash at them.
Why would someone want to be friends with someone who made your adolescence miserable? I am friends with like 2 people I may or may not have picked on, but I wasn't like brutal, like she would make comments about someone's dead fucking mother, I would mock their usage of white after Labor Day kind of shit.
I am not a bully. I pick at people only to the expectation that it was returned to me. I don't try to PUT people down.
Cameron picks at people as well, which is probably why we get along because we can go back and forth at each other without getting like seriously upset because we know it's in good taste. Putting someone down for being a bastard, that is meant to dishearten.
I figure that is what I am trying to say, why is it that we as human being must dishearten people and turn them towards failure?
Is it our own insignificance to ourselves or our own echo of failure that drives people to outwardly shed than negativity on others.
Like Aimee, Yeah, she was a lot of my reason for leaving Idexx. She made me miserable. Sometimes I could barely hold back tears because I knew that my rebellion and such had a place and time and at work it would only cause disruption. She was verbally abuse.
And to make it worse, I would watch her smile in people's faces and then the minute that the door closed or they were out of hearing distance she would bash the living shit out of them.
You know, if someone smells or something, I'll make a joke about it, not to the person, but I might acknowledge it. I was the smelly girl when I was in 7th grade and by 8th grade, I learned to wear deodorant (I got tits first and then the body odor came later which fucked me up as far as puberty goes.) and I learned how to fight so that people would not mention it again.
Now, would you call me a bully for that?
That fact that I would beat people's asses.
I beat people's asses because they bullied me.
When I was in 7th grade, this kid transferred to the school, he was a rich bitch, I lived in a big house and shit but I didn't brag or talk about it because I didn't want people to treat me like someone I wasn't trying to be, I would downplay it all I could because things like that matter back then.
So this kid, I don't even remember his name anymore, it may have been Sean, was a spoiled brat who thought he could be ghetto and live in a huge house. It doesn't work that way if your parents rich.
I used to live in a kind of shitty neighborhood when I was grew up. It looks a lot better now but there was a lot of people who grew up hood and finally got some money and got a better houses. I remember kids throwing rocks at me and shit because of the fact that I spoke affluent english.
To think, to be picked on for speaking properly instead of having an accent or some shit. That is hard as shit for a kid. Kids would take my lunch box, call me weird, and tell me I was gross because we had a lot of cats ( my cats kept fucking and as we were giving them away, they didn't stop fucking until we finally got all those fuckers spayed and neuters) and I had long hair. Yeah, I was made fun of for long hair, now I realize it was their insecurity because of the fact that they would probably never have hair as long as I did.
Back to the subject at hand, He came into the class and no one really talked to him. Then suddenly, the wiggers (and wigras) and like the 3 black kids in class started an alliance.
I hung out with church people. I was a Christian, I went to Youth Group and church and all that and they were white. They weren't my friends because they were white, they were my friends because they were Christian and it was nice.
Anyways, So my best friend Lynee, who I was best friends with from elementary school all the way to the beginning of high school and then we reuinted a few years ago was saying something, she had a gap in her teeth. She still has the gap in her teeth even though she's in the military and can get it fixed, but she keeps it because it's her.
These fucking dicks are making jokes like " fall into the gap" and naming things that would fit in her gap and all this stupid 7th grade bullshit because we had a substitute teacher so they could get away with it. I defend her because she's my best friend and we were the 'white black people' (This is around the time that people decided I was black trying to be white.) so we had to stick together.
The kid Sean starts making comments about how I smell bad, and that was all he could come up with because as low as my self esteem gets I still know I'm not an ugly girl.
This caused a fight.
I was suspended for 3 days because apparently when I basiclly jumped on him he almost went through the fucking window which was above the media library that happened to be below.
People wonder why people like Cameron and I are tough and we get in fights. It's because we are people who are used to being bullied and eventually just learned to MAKE people shut up.
Does it make what they say less or more true?
Yes and no.
When I had met my ex boyfriend who was abusive, I was in 6th grade. This more than likely was instrumental in why I was with him for 3 years because he was big and scary and he made people stop picking on me once we were dating.
People didn't want to pick on me because they knew he was insane and would probably strangle them to death for even preparing to mouth negative things.
Then, he started basiclly bullying me. Now, outsiders didn't bully me anymore, pretty much just exclusively he bullied me.
I had never had a guy kiss me before. I never really had guys that liked me. In my head now, that is ridiculous, I was in 6th grade, why the fuck should girls be worried about having fucking boyfriends and go play power rangers.
I was always advanced, I was in talented and gifted classed from elementary one, I never read kids books past age 5, I wanted to appear to be more intelligent so I'd get hard books and struggle to read them but eventually I did. So, for me, to be 'older' or appear to be what what i desired.
My friends were older, 14 - 16, they started wearing make up and tight clothes and I wanted to emmulate them because they had the attention of men and I wanted that.
I guess his whole plan was to lift me up for a while so it'd be easier to tear me down and I suffered horrible bouts of low self esteem, at one point, It was amazing that he tall, attractive guy liked me and felt I was beautiful and then he would make me feel like shit for anything he could think of.
He wanted to show everyone he was hard shit. In reality, he was just a rich bitch. His grandma was old money and was fucking loaded, she paid for them to have a fucking marble fireplace. He was a fucking brat who wanted the world and wanted me to be leashed.
He put on this mask so that everyone would fear him and respect him and eventually that mask became his face and whether there was anything with any diginity underneath ever, I won't really ever know.
After I eventually realized it became life and death and this 'love' I had wasn't real, it was a relationship based on fear, suppression and bullying and that I needed out.
My self esteem got better, and I started getting boys attention who weren't sociopaths but then it became the same shit.
Men who pretty much wanted to bully me into fucking them when honestly, sex was pretty disinteresting to me in high school because it just seemed to cause problems in people's lives and high school is your entire life when you're 15. Like, it feels like fucking forever, then you wake up 22 doing things you didn't think you'd even want to do.
These men bully because they want to show this virile alpha male. Cameron is an alpha male. He lets everyone know it. But, he doesn't do it for women, he does it for respect and he doesn't have to bully people into respecting him, they just respect him because he has confidence instead of verbally abusing people because of his lack there of.
These men want to bully women into taking off their panties.
They put on this mask of confidence and these woman are too busying looking through their own masks to even make a fucking choice.
The man basiclly says get naked and these bitches are already on their backs.
But I disgress,
I was picked on for being different my whole life and usually most people choose to be the same to avoid social stimga and then some people try too hard to be different just to feel special.
I am of my own desire. I am my own creation. I am my own muse. As hard as I am on myself, I am very proud of what little accomplishments I've mad and where I want to go and I know just from loooking at all these whores I went to school with who continued to play into the game and got knocked up as an easy way out (more on purpose except the men were not away) because they wouldn't have to fucking TRY.
TRY IS SUCH A FUCKING POWERFUL WORD.
Try has built cities.
Try has ended wars.
Try has kept people alive.
Try has inspired those without inspiration.
Try has also crushed those cities.
Try has also made wards.
Try has also taken lives.
But with a word so powerful, You are the one who chooses what it will do.
IF peopole would just TRY to embrace who they are instead of turning into this silicone skin android that says all the right things at exactly the proper time.
People find it is so easy to just put on this already made mask instead of acting figuring out who they are.
It's not even hard. You've always know who you are but you didn't like it so you tried to change it, and that's fine, but don't change because you think it's what 'they' want.
They isn't the corporations or something like that.
They is the voices of people who shouldn't have a fucking say.
It's 'They' who either did something or heard about it.
"they" fuck up our lives more than any war.
"they" leads people to suicide.
"they" whisper in your ear all the things you should say.
"they" tell you what would make you more happy and reap the benefits of your labor.
"they" are the ones who discourage your success.
Why is it so fucking hard for people to listen to themselves instead of listening to what someone said that just fucking sounded nice.
I could probably convince anyone to do something stupid as long as I put a fucking bow on it.
Are we that fucking draw to aesthetics that we don't even care about the core?
People who listen to "they" are an eventual fucking failure.
I worked shitty jobs because I would't compromise being myself.
I can do the job, why do I need to conform.
The military is different, you are all one whole.
At a fucking job, like a Friendlys or something, you are one fucking person on this team of stupid assholes who couldn't create their own path either or haven't woken up from their asleep. If someone wants to have their damn nostril pierced, why should it fucking have to be taken out during work.
If that people looks dirty, than that's fine. But no one has once ever told me that I don't look kept, I happen to think I look very polished aside from the hawk, the tattoos and piercings.
But most people who have piercings don't look dirty, the people who write those fucking employee fucking handbooks think that if someone has piercings, they look less professional than some of the fuckasses I've seen with dirty fucking pants or messy obviously greasy hair.
You can make anyone look dirty or sleezy, it doesn't take much work. But I seriously doubt at customer at a restaurant would get the managers attention to tell them that this kid's nose ring fucking offends them.
I haven't really ever met people who outright said that my tattoos or piercings bothered them. A few men that I have dated or were interested told me that my tattoos were a turn off. What did I do? Get more.
Why?
Because if the tattoos I already have are a fucking problem, you are obviously not my type of guy.
Cameron told me that was one of the main things that turned him on about me, and that he has never felt insecure about his girlfriend having more tattoos/piercings than him.
In fact, I get a shitload of compliments by people I wouldn't even think would like tattoos, and then they like to show me theirs because it's a bond I think with some tattoos enthusiasts.
I hate when people get stupid fucking tattoos because they think it will make them appear to be a certain kind of person.
As fucking dumb as it sounds, that person is on the inside and should be reflected out but if that person isn't there, don't try to make them there.
I guess the moral of this story is fucking stay true to yourself and nothing can destroy you unless you let it.
edit: I finally saw this fucking episode of TIm and Eric with Michael Cera on it where he turns into a fucking cat. I wanted to see it forever. He has a sexy voice and I would love to break him off a bit of this vagina but he probably would go to a doctor because he doesn't understand why his penis is leaking fluids that can be described as stinky and smelling of bleach.
Yeah,
Cum joke.