just_muse_me | 9.1.6. Love is everything it's cracked up to be...

[mrpublicity]

9.1.6. “Love is everything it's cracked up to be…It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.” - Erica Jong

Co-written with Evie Miller [imnodoctor]

[Follows THIS and is simultaneous to THIS]

Evie tried not to feel weird about being the one to 'collect' Aiden. She shouldn't feel weird about it. He was Pat's boyfriend, she was Riley's girlfriend and they more than shared the same circle of friends now. Still, it felt strange. She'd come to New York to be with Riley, and here she was chasing up Pat's wayward lover. If she were honest though, maybe she was the best one to do it. It wasn't like she didn't understand what he was going through. She just seemed to deal with it differently. In all their time together, Evie hadn't even once run away from Riley after he'd been cranky with her. Maybe because she knew it wasn't really her he was cranky with.

Evie stepped into the coffee shop, and pushed her blonde hair out of her face as she looked around for Aiden. Her blue eyes stopped at a table where a guy was hunched over his coffee cup, a laptop lying closed beside him. He seemed to be having a stare off with the invisible person across from him. Evie walked up to the table and dropped down into one of the empty chairs, careful not to disturb his line of staring.


After a moment she cleared her throat softly. "Hey."

Aiden blinked and turned in the direction of the voice. "Oh, hey." He smiled. "Sorry, I was a million miles away." He straightened his slumped posture a little with a stretch and brushed his fingers through his hair. "Is everything okay?"

Evie gave him a light smirk. "You tell me."

"Ah," Aiden murmured with a small smile. "You're the cavalry slash search party. Tab, to Riley, to you. Us lot aren't going to need cell phones sooner or later." He hesitated and his blue eyes dropped back to the coffee cup. "I'm not running away. If I was, I wouldn't be able to be found."

Evie's smirk turned into a smile, but she looked at him with concern. "Soon it'll just be us communicating via telepathy. Everyone's worried about you, Aiden. They know how much weight you carry on those shoulders. How much stress you've given yourself because you don't think you're good enough to look after Pat." Evie took a breath and folded her hands on the table in front of her. "Can I tell you something? A secret of sorts."

"I don't think Pat thinks I'm good enough to look after him," Aiden said as his voice adopted that flat tone he seemed to fine so easy to lapse into recently. He nodded. "If you think it can be safe with me," he added with a smile that indicated she could trust him, whatever it was.

Evie leaned forward even more, her hands still resting on the table, but her eyes locked with his. "Riley doesn't think I'm good enough either. Or maybe not quite that, maybe he thinks that I just shouldn't want to look after him. The truth is I've never once doubted my ability to look after him, and deal with the fallout from his being found Positive. Not just because I'm a nurse," she said, like she knew he always thought the rest of Pat's friends would know better because they were doctors. "I know I'm good enough to, and I know I will get us through this because I love him. Just like you love Pat. The thing is you don't spend your day worrying about what it is you can't do, or don't think you can do. Just take it one hour at a time. One minute at a time. Whatever works for you. You just start dealing with it a bit at a time and you work out that pretty soon you've got it all in hand. It's still okay to have a cry, or a swear. You can even stomp around the grocery store if it gives you an outlet. You can even be honest and let Pat know that you're just having a bad moment. You're not weaker for it."

Aiden lowered his head a little and wet his lips. "The hour, the minute... he was screaming at me. Snapping at me. What am I supposed to do if he doesn't want my help? I know I made a mistake admitting that I thought he wanted everyone else to help him, but I never expected him to come back with what he said. That he knows he can trust everyone else but I can just walk away at any minute. So much has been made out of the issue whether I'll want to do this, or whether I'll cope, but it's Pat that needs to call the shots. What if he doesn't want me helping? We were fine when he wasn't sick but now that he is, I don't feel like I know him at all."

Evie just shrugged a shoulder. "Then don't help. Riley has plenty of people to help him, and he doesn't always want it to be me that does. You know what I do then? I just be his girlfriend. I just stay and hold his hand, or stroke his hair, or kiss his forehead. I hang out with him and watch TV and talk shit. Maybe it doesn't feel like it right now, but just because Pat has MS and he gets attacks... it doesn't mean he's always going to want to be treated like a sick person. He needs at least one person to act like he isn't diseased; like he's the Pat he's always been."

"I was just trying to help him with his shirt. He couldn't get the buttons. He was getting frustrated. I didn't know he was getting pissed off with himself because he had been fine last time I saw him. No one warned me." Aiden stopped and scratched his head in frustration. "Actually, that's not true. Pat warned me many times that it was hard, but I never expected him to be so angry. I just... I can't just be the boyfriend like that. If Pat wants everyone else to take care of him, he has to go back to Princeton and I have to stay here to work. I would hardly see him. There is commuting, but only weekends, maybe some week nights. And I'd do it. If that's what it took, but I... I want more. I want to do more. I want to be more. But it's too damn soon to even be thinking about shit like this when clearly we have loads we need to work through. Starting with the fact he doesn't trust me."

"Aiden..." Evie started as she let out a slow breath. She was trying to choose her words carefully because she really hadn't talked about this with anyone else. Not Riley, not Riley's sister, and not even Tara. Even if Tara would understand as well. "You have to be able to be everything. You have to be able to know which role to play depending on Pat's mood. Or at least that's some of what I've figured. I'm still me around Riley, but I just know how to handle him better when I know which hat I have on. Okay, so that just sounds confusing, but... it's like if Riley has trouble with his shirt. I don't really ask about helping him do it up. I wait until he's had enough of it and just stops out of frustration and then step in. It's hard watching someone we love not be able to do a simple task, but there's nothing we can do to change that. Pat wants you in his life. He's just going to have days, hours, minutes where he's frustrated beyond belief at the situation he's in. It has absolutely nothing to do with you."

Aiden watched her face as she spoke, taking it all in as best he could. "I've never dealt with anything like this before. I hadn't even been in a hospital for years before I went to Princeton that weekend after I met him. I know it's the weak, coward's way, but right now I feel like stepping back and letting everyone else do what they know how to do. At least it would keep Pat's stress to a minimum. He would be taken care of how he needs. His brother, his friends... they were concerned I wouldn't be able to hack all this." He had to press his lips together for a moment so he didn't start weeping on the spot again. "I've spent the last three hours trying to decide if I really can. In my job, I can handle anything. But personally, knowing I did or said something that caused Pat to get so angry? Is it really worth all the strain?"

"Yes," Evie answered without taking a moment to consider it. "It is worth it. Me and Riley had an almost-fight over kids up in the maternity ward. I didn't run, and he didn't run either. Although he was almost right in telling me that I was being submissive. Sometimes you are going to turn into what you hate. It can be one extreme, or the other--but it's just what you have to do to cope. I don't know if it makes me lucky, but my Mom had breast cancer. Maybe that's why I know how to do this. I've already looked after someone I loved. I don't want it to end the same way with Riley. I don't want to lose him."

"I'm sorry," Aiden murmured. "I can't even imagine... I've never lost anyone close to me. Never been touched by sickness, until now. Hell, I hardly even get sick myself. When I do, I usually just keep working right through it anyway. Pat wouldn't let me do that this recent time, though. He just seemed to know naturally how to take care of me. And it felt nice, to let him, you know?" He put his hands over his face. "I can't even return the favour without it all going up the shit. I just want to be something to him. Whatever of those hats he wants me to wear, I'll do it. But now I just feel like he was tolerating me. He got angry so quickly, it must have already been there under the surface. What if he was just pissed off it was me there to help and not Cameron or Riley or Lachlan?"

Evie let out a small sigh, and gave a shake of her head. "Whatever made Pat snap, I know it wasn't that. He loves you more than you might even realise. I think he's probably just at his wit's end because he didn't expect to get sick so soon with you. He's probably just angry that time has been stolen from the both of you."

The tears caught Aiden so quickly that he didn't have time to stop them. He fumbled to grab some napkins from the dispenser. "Fuck, I'm sorry," he cursed in nothing more than a mumble. He pressed the napkins to his eyes with a heavy exhalation. "I don't know what to do," he finally admitted to her helplessly. "I don't even know where to start."

Evie shifted her chair closer to Aiden and slipped her arm around his shoulders. Comforting someone was never a problem for her. Neither was seeing someone cry. She worked in an Oncology ward after all. "It's okay, Aiden. And honestly? I think the place you start is going back to Pat's room. Let him know you haven't run away because even if you just sit in a chair by his bed, he will still know you're there for him."

"I didn't mean to fuck off. I just couldn't get my head around any of it. It didn't seem right to see him so angry, I just couldn't handle him yelling at me like that. I mean, I could have if it had been a proper fight, but I didn't know what I had done wrong. What if he doesn't want me there? What do I do then? Do I keep coming back and making a complete arse of myself? I've never really felt like this about anyone before, so I can't shake the worry I'm doing it all wrong. All my exes were just... well, they came second to my work. They didn't like it, so it ended up in the toilet. Pat makes me want to do things differently, but how to do them is a completely different story." Aiden rested his head down on his head, wetting his lips and tasting the tears there. "Didn't you ever just want to go when Riley pushed you away?"

"No," Evie replied quietly. Maybe it was making it worse to have Aiden hear that, but she thought it was important to be honest. "I can't really explain why. Maybe it has to do with my own abandonment issues, or maybe it is just because I love him so much it hurts to breathe when I think about being without him. Either way, I have never once considered leaving him. I don't want to be anywhere else. I can't tell you what to do, or how to do it. I know you want all these answers, but the truth is you can only do what's right for you. What's right for you and Pat. He does want you there, so don't tell yourself any different. I'll go back with you if you want, but only to make sure you're both okay."

Aiden would be lying if he didn't admit to himself that her answer just made him feel crap. He actually had an urge to protest that he did love Pat so much that it hurt to breathe when he thought about being without him, too, but it didn't take away the reaction to run when Pat pushed him away. He might not have abandonment issues, but it still hurt to think about being without Pat. It hurt more than he knew how to deal with. He didn't say anything at first, instead rubbing his hand against his unshaven cheek and trying to find a place in his mind where he at least didn't feel like he was standing on a cliff and about to be pushed off. He also wanted to clarify that he never meant to imply he wanted to leave Pat, just that he couldn't stop thinking that Pat was better off without this if it’s what he wanted. He dropped his head down onto his forearm. "If I can't even make sense to you, how am I going to make sense to him?" he finally said helplessly.

Evie patted his back lightly and offered him a sheepish smile. "I'm sorry, I'm really not telling you all this to make you feel worse. It's just you asked a question, and I answered it. Usually it just tends to piss me off when Riley starts trying to tell me I'd be better off with someone else. I wouldn't, and I know that. Even if you want to hide, I'm sure it doesn't make you love Pat any less. As far as making me understand, you don't have to. I'm sure Pat will understand whatever it is you tell him. He's good like that."

"Does the dragging tiredness ever go away?" Aiden asked quietly. "What about the feeling that you're just never going to say or do the right thing ever again?"

At this Evie managed a small burst of quiet laughter. "Sometimes. Sometimes there are really, really good days. Take comfort in the fact that you'll probably get to nap with Pat a lot."

"Not if he goes back to Princeton," Aiden sighed. "I don't want him to go back. I want him to stay with me."

Evie frowned. "What makes you so sure he's going back? Have you asked him?"

Aiden shook his head. "I haven't had a chance to really talk to him about any of it. I wanted to. But then Cameron came back, Lachlan got sick, and everything just seemed to blow up. I mean, he was staying with me when it happened, but that was before he realised he was getting sick. I was going to talk to him about it, but now this has happened, I'm not so sure. Maybe he should just go back to Princeton to be with his friends who can take care of him second nature? I'm worried I'll make it all harder on him not knowing how to deal with it."

"We're just a phone call away. He doesn't need to go back to Princeton for you to get advice." Evie left her hand on Aiden's shoulder and looked at him. "I think we should get you back so that you can have a conversation with him. I'll get Cameron out of the way, and I'm sure Lachlan will stay out of it. If he doesn't, just call us in to gag him."

Aiden had to laugh a little at this. "Yeah, I'm not sure I could handle coming up against the scary twin and the passionate Scottish best friend," he admitted. "Thanks for coming in here to try and pick up the pieces with me. I know you must have been wondering how the fuck to tackle this. We haven't had much of a chance to get to know each other yet, but I appreciate it. A lot. More than I can say."

Evie grinned as she pulled back to give him some space again. "Hey, it's what almost-friends are for. You can thank me later with chocolate."

Aiden smiled and nodded. "Deal," he agreed.

All muses referenced with permission

Muse | Aiden Lewis (with Evie Miller)
Word Count | 2,951