The Entry
so this is the entry. long awaited? ...by some. bonerizing? ...to all. let's get this shit started.
so pretty much everyone that knows me knows that this is a pretty weird time in my life. well, maybe they don't...i wouldnt be surprised. when i first got diagnosed with depression, i was afraid everyone was going to be artificially super nice to me all the time...when that didn't happen i couldn't say if i was relieved or disturbed. so yeah by the way, i got diagnosed with depression. it's pretty weird....i've pretty much known i've had it all my life. ever since i can remember i've never been happy, even when my life was (objectively) going just fine. if there is such a thing. so now the doctors tell me i'm anhedonistic (unable to experience pleasure), i'm not surprised. but people seem to be shocked by it. i know i smile and goof around a lot, and people have told me that i don't seem depressed at all. but of couse i'm keenly aware of this. i know exactly where my goofiness and my front of happiness come from, and i can tell you it's not from a sincere place at all. so now my life is full of questions. i wake up every day and wonder if i'm going to see one of my doctors today. i can never keep track of them. and they ask me questions. i kind of like it because rarely do i get the opportunity to have to answer questions that i myself don't make up. you learn a lot more about yourself when you're prompted to answer questions that you've never even thought about. but that spontaneity can be pretty saddening for me....my pediatrician said that i made him sad when i was answering his questions. and i made myself sad too. it was the 2nd day of school, and i stayed home because i had literally worried myself sick. we finally went to the doctor, and after about 45 minutes of him questioning me about my life he said "is there anything that you do, week in and week out, that you acutally enjoy?" and i just sat there. i had never even thought about that. of all the crazy things i've pondered and all the weird places my mind has wandered off too, i've never even asked myself that. all i could say was no. and it was terrible to realize how true it was. so its zoloft for me. 25 mg for the 1st week, then up to 50 mg. doesnt work. maybe welbutrin? lexapro? lexapro it is. once a day, then twice a day. meanwhile i feel the same. actually, the past week i've felt worse and worse. isnt this medicine supposed to be working? i've prided myself on my ability to handle pain in the past...but at this point its really starting to wear on me. and when someone gives you a little pill and says "this will make you happy and make you pay attention better", then you tend to forget the angsty-idealism you once had. give me that shit. this newfound weakness has gotten to the point where i'll do anything just to be happy for a little bit - and by that i mean, of course, marijuana. people around school laugh at me for it and just kind of write it off...but it's not funny. it's bad. i'm still opposed to drugs, my attitude about them has not changed at all. i just do them now. and i say that joking a lot, but it is sad. i get out of school and i will do anything just to have an EXCUSE for a few hours. every friday i cant wait for the weekend so i can try and achieve my goal of being fucked up for 72 hours straight. its bad when reality gets to be too much. so now i'm seeing this therapist every week or so. i thought i would hate it, but more and more i find myself needing to talk to her. of course i have friends that i can talk to, but she actually gets paid to listen to me bitch. how rockin is that? a lot of the time i find myself just wishing it would just be over. not my life, i'm not suicidal or anything. but this...mess. why i've gotten phenomenal scores on every standardized test i've ever taken and i get terrible grades. why i scored "off the charts" on the verbal part of my IQ test and not that hot on the performance part. i wish this barrier in my brain would just heal up and i'd be off enjoying life the way its meant to be. but what is it meant to be? thats for another time. so for now i guess i'm just going, as they say, "one day at a time". am i getting better? absolutely not. do i hope to? yes. do i want kelsey's nuts? yes. all in good time, i suppose. my thought processs here is by no means over, but this entry sure as hell is. comment or something : /
so pretty much everyone that knows me knows that this is a pretty weird time in my life. well, maybe they don't...i wouldnt be surprised. when i first got diagnosed with depression, i was afraid everyone was going to be artificially super nice to me all the time...when that didn't happen i couldn't say if i was relieved or disturbed. so yeah by the way, i got diagnosed with depression. it's pretty weird....i've pretty much known i've had it all my life. ever since i can remember i've never been happy, even when my life was (objectively) going just fine. if there is such a thing. so now the doctors tell me i'm anhedonistic (unable to experience pleasure), i'm not surprised. but people seem to be shocked by it. i know i smile and goof around a lot, and people have told me that i don't seem depressed at all. but of couse i'm keenly aware of this. i know exactly where my goofiness and my front of happiness come from, and i can tell you it's not from a sincere place at all. so now my life is full of questions. i wake up every day and wonder if i'm going to see one of my doctors today. i can never keep track of them. and they ask me questions. i kind of like it because rarely do i get the opportunity to have to answer questions that i myself don't make up. you learn a lot more about yourself when you're prompted to answer questions that you've never even thought about. but that spontaneity can be pretty saddening for me....my pediatrician said that i made him sad when i was answering his questions. and i made myself sad too. it was the 2nd day of school, and i stayed home because i had literally worried myself sick. we finally went to the doctor, and after about 45 minutes of him questioning me about my life he said "is there anything that you do, week in and week out, that you acutally enjoy?" and i just sat there. i had never even thought about that. of all the crazy things i've pondered and all the weird places my mind has wandered off too, i've never even asked myself that. all i could say was no. and it was terrible to realize how true it was. so its zoloft for me. 25 mg for the 1st week, then up to 50 mg. doesnt work. maybe welbutrin? lexapro? lexapro it is. once a day, then twice a day. meanwhile i feel the same. actually, the past week i've felt worse and worse. isnt this medicine supposed to be working? i've prided myself on my ability to handle pain in the past...but at this point its really starting to wear on me. and when someone gives you a little pill and says "this will make you happy and make you pay attention better", then you tend to forget the angsty-idealism you once had. give me that shit. this newfound weakness has gotten to the point where i'll do anything just to be happy for a little bit - and by that i mean, of course, marijuana. people around school laugh at me for it and just kind of write it off...but it's not funny. it's bad. i'm still opposed to drugs, my attitude about them has not changed at all. i just do them now. and i say that joking a lot, but it is sad. i get out of school and i will do anything just to have an EXCUSE for a few hours. every friday i cant wait for the weekend so i can try and achieve my goal of being fucked up for 72 hours straight. its bad when reality gets to be too much. so now i'm seeing this therapist every week or so. i thought i would hate it, but more and more i find myself needing to talk to her. of course i have friends that i can talk to, but she actually gets paid to listen to me bitch. how rockin is that? a lot of the time i find myself just wishing it would just be over. not my life, i'm not suicidal or anything. but this...mess. why i've gotten phenomenal scores on every standardized test i've ever taken and i get terrible grades. why i scored "off the charts" on the verbal part of my IQ test and not that hot on the performance part. i wish this barrier in my brain would just heal up and i'd be off enjoying life the way its meant to be. but what is it meant to be? thats for another time. so for now i guess i'm just going, as they say, "one day at a time". am i getting better? absolutely not. do i hope to? yes. do i want kelsey's nuts? yes. all in good time, i suppose. my thought processs here is by no means over, but this entry sure as hell is. comment or something : /