HELPFUL HINTS FOR THE EVIL DOCTOR
FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE ASPIRING TO TDO THAT WHICH IS GO INTO THE FIELD OF WHAT SOME MAY CALL THAT OF EVIL DOCTORY, I WOULD RECOMMEND DOING THAT WHICH IS SCAN THESE FEW SIMPLE BUT IMPERATIVE RULES.
Do not attempt to transplant your mind into the hero's body while your test monkey is still alive and in the laboratory.
Never experiment on yourself.
Do not include a reverse switch on your superweapons.
Your secret laboratory should have decent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and a halon fire-prevention system at every work station.
Any ability-enhancing formulae which have degenerative or addictive side-effects are suitable for use on the masses, but not on yourself.
Any racks of beakers, test-tubes, and other glass objects should be on shelves that are securely anchored to the floor and not on wobbly, easily tilted tables.
Your sealable, high-energy test chambers should be activatable only from the outside, and only by verification of your hand and retina prints. If someone has relieved you of your hand and eye to get them, you might as well be dead anyway.
If you can splice genes to create a 6 foot long cockroach, you can also insert a genetic susceptibility to your own special formula of insecticide. Carry the insecticide on your person at all times in a key-chain mace cannister.
Always have an open ticket to New Zealand on hand in case your current project escapes your laboratory, starts mutating uncontrollably, or starts talking back to you in a belligerent fashion.
Select the brain to be used in your life-creation experiments personally.
If your current diabolical plan requires one liter of a secret formula, manufacture ten liters and store the other nine in a safe place.
Always carry the antidote on your person, in a vial marked "poison reserve". The poison reserve should be kept in the bottle marked "antidote".
If you are working on an optical mind-control device, remove all extraneous mirrors from your laboratory. In addition, wear polarized lenses at all times.
Test the strengths, powers, and weaknesses of any monsters you create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time, rather than to lose one due to simple poor planning.
Perform experiments which require a live human test subject on deranged homeless people that no one would miss rather than on the teenaged daughter of a local political or military leader.
If your experiment absolutely requires the use of a teenaged girl as a test subject, do not use the beautiful and buxom cheerleader whose boyfriend is the captain of the football team. Use the mousy bookworm whose boyfriend, if she even has one, is a member of the local Dungeons and Dragons club. (You can probably co-opt him if you need to.)
I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of by redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.
My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.
If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"
After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.
Do not attempt to transplant your mind into the hero's body while your test monkey is still alive and in the laboratory.
Never experiment on yourself.
Do not include a reverse switch on your superweapons.
Your secret laboratory should have decent ventilation, automatic sprinklers, and a halon fire-prevention system at every work station.
Any ability-enhancing formulae which have degenerative or addictive side-effects are suitable for use on the masses, but not on yourself.
Any racks of beakers, test-tubes, and other glass objects should be on shelves that are securely anchored to the floor and not on wobbly, easily tilted tables.
Your sealable, high-energy test chambers should be activatable only from the outside, and only by verification of your hand and retina prints. If someone has relieved you of your hand and eye to get them, you might as well be dead anyway.
If you can splice genes to create a 6 foot long cockroach, you can also insert a genetic susceptibility to your own special formula of insecticide. Carry the insecticide on your person at all times in a key-chain mace cannister.
Always have an open ticket to New Zealand on hand in case your current project escapes your laboratory, starts mutating uncontrollably, or starts talking back to you in a belligerent fashion.
Select the brain to be used in your life-creation experiments personally.
If your current diabolical plan requires one liter of a secret formula, manufacture ten liters and store the other nine in a safe place.
Always carry the antidote on your person, in a vial marked "poison reserve". The poison reserve should be kept in the bottle marked "antidote".
If you are working on an optical mind-control device, remove all extraneous mirrors from your laboratory. In addition, wear polarized lenses at all times.
Test the strengths, powers, and weaknesses of any monsters you create. Better to pull back and send two monsters next time, rather than to lose one due to simple poor planning.
Perform experiments which require a live human test subject on deranged homeless people that no one would miss rather than on the teenaged daughter of a local political or military leader.
If your experiment absolutely requires the use of a teenaged girl as a test subject, do not use the beautiful and buxom cheerleader whose boyfriend is the captain of the football team. Use the mousy bookworm whose boyfriend, if she even has one, is a member of the local Dungeons and Dragons club. (You can probably co-opt him if you need to.)
I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of by redundant, automatic Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings. No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be given the keys to the cages.
My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.
If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians, brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"
After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic Plan and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy notes on the construction of said virus.