Everything to nothing
The horrible crippling depression that I used to get in high school has come back. This is very bad. Some of the people I still maintain contact with from college know that I get depressed, but in college it became sort of a "soldier on through" sort of depression. An "I'm upset, but it won't help anything so I'll just live with it" sort of thing. This is a whole different story.
Do you think on a daily basis about how the whole of the world, in fact the whole of everything, exists within your frame of cognition? To you, your stream of consciousness is literally everything that is and was and ever will be. Without it you cease to exist. Your perception dies. There is no living on through your work or your kids or any of that garbage they feed you to get you through the day. The movie screen filtering into your head irises in and there is nothing. We have been taught to perceive ourselves as continuous beings. Existence, we are taught, continues on. You go to heaven or to the halls of the ancestors or Valhalla or something like that. Shit, even most atheists I know are all about going back to the earth to become part of the substance of everything. But thats all crap that you believe to wrench you away from the horrible, crippling truth that you are a series of organic compounds animated by electrical impulses and once the synapses stop firing, you cease to exist. And so does everything you perceive. Maybe not for everyone else, but for you it does. There is absolutely nothing beyond what you see and hear and feel and taste and smell and think. So when you die, everything ceases to exist. Not even eternal blackness because you'd have to be around to notice that. Blank. Every day people go blank. Just gone, forever. That particular configuration of organic matter will never again shoot off any electrical currents.
And here I am, working a shit job to pay off a retarded amount of debt and wishing every single day that I could do something more, to make my limited scope or reality worth living. Every day I try to find some reason not to want to be blank. Because when it happens you can't take it back. You can't decide it's a mistake and un-blank yourself. There is no yourself to make that decision.
So what makes this all worthwhile?
Do you think on a daily basis about how the whole of the world, in fact the whole of everything, exists within your frame of cognition? To you, your stream of consciousness is literally everything that is and was and ever will be. Without it you cease to exist. Your perception dies. There is no living on through your work or your kids or any of that garbage they feed you to get you through the day. The movie screen filtering into your head irises in and there is nothing. We have been taught to perceive ourselves as continuous beings. Existence, we are taught, continues on. You go to heaven or to the halls of the ancestors or Valhalla or something like that. Shit, even most atheists I know are all about going back to the earth to become part of the substance of everything. But thats all crap that you believe to wrench you away from the horrible, crippling truth that you are a series of organic compounds animated by electrical impulses and once the synapses stop firing, you cease to exist. And so does everything you perceive. Maybe not for everyone else, but for you it does. There is absolutely nothing beyond what you see and hear and feel and taste and smell and think. So when you die, everything ceases to exist. Not even eternal blackness because you'd have to be around to notice that. Blank. Every day people go blank. Just gone, forever. That particular configuration of organic matter will never again shoot off any electrical currents.
And here I am, working a shit job to pay off a retarded amount of debt and wishing every single day that I could do something more, to make my limited scope or reality worth living. Every day I try to find some reason not to want to be blank. Because when it happens you can't take it back. You can't decide it's a mistake and un-blank yourself. There is no yourself to make that decision.
So what makes this all worthwhile?