(no subject)
sometimes i stay up really late and muse over exactly what i will say in my next e-mail to onions - gauge how witty i shall be and what kind of ironic stories from my childhood i shall share.
when i stay up on nights like this, i inevitably think about things that will happen after august 28th. i think about being an RA, and then I think about how last year's tisch program just moved out this past sunday. i think about how all of the new RAs are getting drunk right now in weinstein since all of the shits are gone. i think about how badass it would be to get trashed with lee gundersheimer. i think about how awkward patrick terry must be when he's drunk and then i think about how many parties i will go to next year where patrick might be performing magic tricks drunk. jamie foreman is apparently going to UArts; and I get sad when I read this, not because Jamie isn't going to NYU or because he is going to UArts, but rather because Peter and I have both completely lost touch with him. I loved Jamie and Kristen, not when they were naked but rather when they were walking down Waverly Place with me and I felt like i had siblings for the first time in my life. I realize that neither of them are going to NYU and I think I understand why, but it sanddens me nonetheless. i read that steve is in 'twelfth night' right now off-broadway with the aquila theatre company and i get both startled and impressed becuase just a year ago he was sloshing down tofu with the rest of us in the basement of weinstein hall. i get more startled when i realize how much can change and how much has changed in one year. then i remember how someone who i respect maybe more than anyone's wrote a note to me almost exactly a year ago today that said "change nothing", and i think about how much i have changed in a year and how maybe i haven't followed his directions; however i think if he wrote a note to me today he would say "change nothing" again or maybe "change one or two things that can be easily changed", knowing that the changes i have made were inevitable, necessary, and often out of my control. reading that chris grobe graduated from yale makes me realize that graduation is no later now than high school graduation was on september 11, 2001 and that feels like that was ten minutes ago. i have to do so much to be successful in such a short amount of time. i remember how cutthroat frank ventura told me that musical theatre was in new york and i realize that cap21 is the epicenter of that. i strangely think that the concept of this excites me, of competing with an entire city to do something that will pay my rent. i think on nights like this that i need to read the first six steps before i go to cap21, that i need to go buy hard tap shoes, that on thursday september 8th people will be better singers than me but that's ok. i think tonight that while some people may tap better than me on september 6th, i will tap better than some people also. i also think that i am scared of things that nobody thinks to be scared of, things like accidentally finding myself not in school anymore because i ran out of money or accidentally forgetting to call my mom on her birthday because i like school so mcuh. i read the orientation guide and i think "why would anyone need to ever take a class called 'learning how to surivive living in new york city'" and then think about how i was the first to sign up for the 'broke student's guide to new york' class. i remember that i am not like most of the other people at my college just because of a matter of digits, and i think that for this i am grateful and will maybe get more out of my education. i think about how detached i WANT to be from so many things and how attached i want to be to so many other things, and i don't think im awful for thinking this.
also sometimes i cuss people out and think that they deserve it, even after they tell me i hurt them greatly. its things like that that make me realize that i am first of all not a very good person, but also someone who posesses at least a few of the tools necessary to be cutthroat, if this is what we call it.
for the first time all week, im at a good place. i shall sleep on it.
when i stay up on nights like this, i inevitably think about things that will happen after august 28th. i think about being an RA, and then I think about how last year's tisch program just moved out this past sunday. i think about how all of the new RAs are getting drunk right now in weinstein since all of the shits are gone. i think about how badass it would be to get trashed with lee gundersheimer. i think about how awkward patrick terry must be when he's drunk and then i think about how many parties i will go to next year where patrick might be performing magic tricks drunk. jamie foreman is apparently going to UArts; and I get sad when I read this, not because Jamie isn't going to NYU or because he is going to UArts, but rather because Peter and I have both completely lost touch with him. I loved Jamie and Kristen, not when they were naked but rather when they were walking down Waverly Place with me and I felt like i had siblings for the first time in my life. I realize that neither of them are going to NYU and I think I understand why, but it sanddens me nonetheless. i read that steve is in 'twelfth night' right now off-broadway with the aquila theatre company and i get both startled and impressed becuase just a year ago he was sloshing down tofu with the rest of us in the basement of weinstein hall. i get more startled when i realize how much can change and how much has changed in one year. then i remember how someone who i respect maybe more than anyone's wrote a note to me almost exactly a year ago today that said "change nothing", and i think about how much i have changed in a year and how maybe i haven't followed his directions; however i think if he wrote a note to me today he would say "change nothing" again or maybe "change one or two things that can be easily changed", knowing that the changes i have made were inevitable, necessary, and often out of my control. reading that chris grobe graduated from yale makes me realize that graduation is no later now than high school graduation was on september 11, 2001 and that feels like that was ten minutes ago. i have to do so much to be successful in such a short amount of time. i remember how cutthroat frank ventura told me that musical theatre was in new york and i realize that cap21 is the epicenter of that. i strangely think that the concept of this excites me, of competing with an entire city to do something that will pay my rent. i think on nights like this that i need to read the first six steps before i go to cap21, that i need to go buy hard tap shoes, that on thursday september 8th people will be better singers than me but that's ok. i think tonight that while some people may tap better than me on september 6th, i will tap better than some people also. i also think that i am scared of things that nobody thinks to be scared of, things like accidentally finding myself not in school anymore because i ran out of money or accidentally forgetting to call my mom on her birthday because i like school so mcuh. i read the orientation guide and i think "why would anyone need to ever take a class called 'learning how to surivive living in new york city'" and then think about how i was the first to sign up for the 'broke student's guide to new york' class. i remember that i am not like most of the other people at my college just because of a matter of digits, and i think that for this i am grateful and will maybe get more out of my education. i think about how detached i WANT to be from so many things and how attached i want to be to so many other things, and i don't think im awful for thinking this.
also sometimes i cuss people out and think that they deserve it, even after they tell me i hurt them greatly. its things like that that make me realize that i am first of all not a very good person, but also someone who posesses at least a few of the tools necessary to be cutthroat, if this is what we call it.
for the first time all week, im at a good place. i shall sleep on it.