I'm scared of life, just not ready
I met deb's boyfriend today. He's alright. If he
makes her happy, that's all that really matters. I can't really say
much about him. Tomorrow we're supposed to contront ashes, if she's
working. I've been sitting here debating on what i'm going to do with
my life. So far, nothing. I need to grow up so bad but i'm just not
ready to. I have to get a job, fix my car, move out, get a lover, pay
bills, and i'm just not ready. I wanna be a kid still. I still want to
live for free. I want to go out to the club every weekend and not have
to worry about gas and getting in and food and drinks. I want to be
able to drive anywhere i want and not have to worry about will i break
down. I just don't want to worry anymore. I don't wanna worry about
money, my friends, my family, myself, and anything else that crosses my
path.
I want to go out and have fun. I don't want to work all the time and come home to sit in my bed alone, watch tv, then sleep and repeat the next day. I wanna be able to sleep in late and do whatever. I'm tired of trying ot deal with everyone elses problems too.
I'm tired of worrying about when i'm supposed to take juleah to get her learners, when i'm supposed to get a job, when my car's going to break down, when debbie's going to need my help to make her stop crying. I love my friends to death and it's hard on them being friends with me i know. Because one moment i just need time to myself but that same moment i want them around. I dont' even know how to put that.
There are few that i'll put life on the line to help them. Actually there's one. Debbie. She's my life. I'm scared of growing up for the most part that i might loose the most valuable things in my life. Because i'll be too tired or busy with work. I just can't handle this right now. Now isn't the time i need to drop out of school, have my car break down, have my parents steal my money, have drugs around me at all times, not be able to see debbie when i need her, have juleah need me to fix her god damned problems, to hear from ashes, to listen to jo-joe talk about absolutely nothing, to have to worry about whether or not i have to kicks his ass out of my house. I don't need all this now. I need Debbie to tell me to do. She has no idea though, and i know this. She can't help me. As much as i love her for trying but this is too much for her and myself to handle. I must force myself to do this on my own, i just hope she can be there to catch me because i know i'm going to fall.
I've been smoking like crazy to pause the tension and stress of all this. I'm trying not to cut. I think i'll just pierce myself. Bye
I want to go out and have fun. I don't want to work all the time and come home to sit in my bed alone, watch tv, then sleep and repeat the next day. I wanna be able to sleep in late and do whatever. I'm tired of trying ot deal with everyone elses problems too.
I'm tired of worrying about when i'm supposed to take juleah to get her learners, when i'm supposed to get a job, when my car's going to break down, when debbie's going to need my help to make her stop crying. I love my friends to death and it's hard on them being friends with me i know. Because one moment i just need time to myself but that same moment i want them around. I dont' even know how to put that.
There are few that i'll put life on the line to help them. Actually there's one. Debbie. She's my life. I'm scared of growing up for the most part that i might loose the most valuable things in my life. Because i'll be too tired or busy with work. I just can't handle this right now. Now isn't the time i need to drop out of school, have my car break down, have my parents steal my money, have drugs around me at all times, not be able to see debbie when i need her, have juleah need me to fix her god damned problems, to hear from ashes, to listen to jo-joe talk about absolutely nothing, to have to worry about whether or not i have to kicks his ass out of my house. I don't need all this now. I need Debbie to tell me to do. She has no idea though, and i know this. She can't help me. As much as i love her for trying but this is too much for her and myself to handle. I must force myself to do this on my own, i just hope she can be there to catch me because i know i'm going to fall.
I've been smoking like crazy to pause the tension and stress of all this. I'm trying not to cut. I think i'll just pierce myself. Bye