LINGsCARS.com
Someone pointed me to the mobile website for Ling's Cars in a forum thread about weird websites. My responses-originally two posts on the forum, are combined, refined, and repeated below for your viewing pleasure.
Note: On that particular forum, text in green is meant to be sarcastic.
The Front Page
Okay, front page-a wasteful splash page, no less-gives me a headache, thanks to my least favorite background of all time. We have Ms. Ling playing Major Kong with a rocket titled with the company name-which is on a military vehicle I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a license to sell. And the small sign saying "cheap new cars" doesn't seem dodgy at all.
The Best Frequently Asked Questions in the World? What on earth is that supposed to mean? And the same could be asked of the bosom shot, along with... is that what I think it is nestled in there?
Oh, and the mug shot, I fear, looks ridiculous. It looks like a teenaged guy.
Let's check the code.
... Well, this is new. I never thought I'd see HTML Conditionals (supported by older versions of Internet Explorer only) mixed with HTML5. but here we are.
Do I truly see ""?! Oh, heaven help us! For those who aren't familiar with HTML conditionals (I cannot say why I am, as the better verb is "confess") it basically means, "If the browser is Internet Explorer and older than version 7"-that is, IE6 and older/worse.
Oh, and we have this little gem in the code:
It seems the website coder wasn't all that pleased with the customer, or the job, or something.
Do I dare click the "Go to Choices" button? *Swig of booze.* YES! Yes I do! Onwards!
Go to Choices
Why, y, wai, and OH WHY did I click that button?
Okay, background is less painful (solid white). But that's the sole improvement. Again, the owner's face is on the website-I wouldn't complain it much, except it's now an animated gif that looks like a bobblehead sitting on a tack. I kid you not:
And it's used twice, once at the top of the page in minature, once at the bottom at full size. To the right of the minibobblehead at the top, we have the phrase "Where You Wanna Go?" with the company name beneath it. Either she's trying to be gangsta or his grammar is simply rubbish. Beside that is a .gif showing a series of Asian ladies from the chest up and wearing colourful garb, and another beside it flashing the word "NEW". Yes, the ladies .gif and the NEW .gif are seperate, which means the former graphic is, in many ways, a bust.
Below all this we are presented with eight choices-and all the links are buttons, like you'd see on a website form.
1. FAQ VIDEOS The graphic beside says "The Best FAQs ...in the world!" Rather boastful, but at least it fits the choice. You'll see why I said that when I get to the rest of them. 2. FREE CAR ...why is there a picture of a hypodermic needle beside this option? I'm serious, that was what I noticed before I realized that the button said "FREE CAR". I'm morbidly curious now-what could she possibly mean by "FREE CAR"? 3. CAR ZEN ...whatever she means by that, I have no idea. I'm more intrigued by the picture of Muammar Gaddafi-I ASSURE YOU I AM NOT KIDDING-that accompanies it. To the right of that is what appears to be Ms. Ling himself with a red, yellow, and green sign saying "Ling Loves Idiots with iPhones." I'm not kidding about that either. 4. NON-MOB Again, not sure what that means, I'll have to check out the links-if I dare. The graphic for this is that of the website URL (fair enough) paired with the Rolling Stones' tongue and mouth with the tongue coloured like the British flag (....ooookay) and some text at the bottom that I cannot rightly read, even when I zoom in. Zooming in, what I can read makes no sense. 5. DEALS Okay, this doesn't hide what lurks behind it. The word is straightforward, and it's got a triplet of pound signs beside a car. Which, in my opinion, just looks cheap. 6. GAME The graphic beside it has the text "Play stupid game". Yes, it calls the game stupid. Perhaps I will play it if I'm witlessly bored-which I surely am since I'm actually reviewing this website. 7. GIFT BELT Why are you giving away belts, that mask of an older man looks creepy, and what's with the teddy bear? 8. QUOTE A picture of a red car with green question marks beside it. Again, straightforwards-but clipart cheap.
By now this site is looking so dodgy that John F. and Horace E. ought to be receiving royalty cheques. But this isn't the end of this webpage-or in sales parlance, BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!!!
Remember that agonized bobblehead I told you about earlier? I'll bet you the first one you saw was the full-sized one at the bottom of the page.
Beside it is a graphic that says proudly, "You can trust me... I am LING!" She doesn't even outright call herself Honest John Ling, she tries to hide the adjective behind a "reassuring" phrase. That graphic further includes the text "Hope you enjoying your visit to LINGsCARS.com"-again, iffy grammar-and a claim to be the UK's favorite car leasing website (I have my doubts). As these graphics show up elsewhere, I shall dub them Big Agonized Bobblehead and Graphic Of Trustiness.
I could go on about this website-so I will.
1. FAQ VIDEOS
Well, the Asian ladies are back, with a larger image that I can see in detail. It appears that this .gif is of two ladies, one in a red flight attendant uniform, the other in a blue one. They alternate between the ladies, and in each frame, they are in different poses, which-as I said-I can now see in more detail. Detail I could have really done without.
Quick rundown of some of the more... interesting frames:
- The lady in red has a black eye and a bloody nose.
- The lady in blue is holding what looks like a time bomb.
- The lady in red is holding a bottle of Jack Daniels in one frame. In another frame, she's drinking from it.
- The lady in blue seems displeased with a meal.
- The lady in red is wearing horn-rimmed glasses and using her fingers to slant her eyes.
- And The lady in red looks constipated.
Now the "Frequently Asked Questions" graphic is animated, the silly mugshot is back, and the "Frequently Asked Questions" text is now blinking rapidly. Actually, a better term would be "flickering"
The .gif also seems to be a very cheap trailer for a film, with the following adjectives: Action, Intrigue, Drama, Erotic (I Kid You Not!), Annoying, Wild Animals" And the final text is the URL for this website.
The divisions between the sections of videos (which are at least clearly titled for the most part) look like straight candy canes.
In the section "Questions About Ling", I'm not sure if this is British terminology, Engrish, or both, but one video is titled "Why Ling knobbed Bannatyne's investment?" Other videos in that category are "Can I trust Ling" (if you have a video for that, the answer is "no"), "Why main dealers hate Ling?", and the like.
Actually, looking at the video titles on this page, I'm guessing mostly Engrish.
Oh, and the bottom of the page? Big Agonized Bobblehead (complete with Graphic of Trustiness)!
BTW, did you know the Big Agonized Bobblehead filename is "ling-mad-160.gif". She must be wondering who put that tack there.
I think I'll watch a video-how about "Can I trust Ling?" Only 43 seconds long and... oh, hello Big Agonized Bobblehead (with Graphic Of Trustiness).
The video takes place on an aeroplane for some reason, the narrator (the lady in blue) has a thick accent, uses a hat for a prop, and it's from this video that I discovered that Ling is a woman. It's actually hosted on YouTube, so I'll use the YouTube link so you don't have to see the tacky Big Agonized Bobblehead (with Graphic Of Trustiness).
Free Car
This one literally made me laugh.
What you do is you enter your email into a textbox titled "Email me a PDF to print & glue:" and click the button "Send Email" Yes, it's a paper model you snip out, fold, and glue. And it has the silly mugshot in the windows. I like the text beneath that says "I will not spam you to hell..." No need, ma'am, I think I'm already there.
Oh, and Big Agonized Bobblehead (with Graphic Of Trustiness).
CAR ZEN
"Sponsored by Westboro Westburgh Baptist Church." Thank heavens this is just a single image page (not counting Big Agonized Bobblehead (w/ Graphic of Trustiness), because the rest of the image makes no more sense. Gaze and be amazed appalled.
NON-MOB
Okay, apparently it stands for "Non-Mobile", and OH MY BRANE IT'S WORSE! Animated .gifs EVERYWHERE! My laptop is old; it can't handle this page!
Two things I gleaned before I fled the page: The text I couldn't read in the choice graphic is "UK CONTRACT HIRE CARS FROM LING VALENTINE"
And a larger version of the mugshot I was talking about:
Okay, now I've had just about enough of this website, but I'll check out the game.
... which won't even show up in Firefox.
Blah.
So, out of curiosity, I decided to try out the Car Zen page, just for giggles, and well, ideas began to perk. Like, say, this was a game show. Just a note: Text in blue is quoted directly from the site.
-------------------------------------------------
Game Show Host: Let's play the game of Car Zen, brought to you by LINGsCARS.com. Introducing our judges! On the left, we have Big Agonized Bobblehead; on the right is Graphic of Trustiness. Our topic for today is: "Allow the depths of your mind to instinctively choose the answers to the following four paradigms, which will generate the best car deal for you and your lifestyle."
And our first contestant: Mr. Initial Man, what will it be, Initial?
Mr. I.M.: I'll take Zen Questions and gamble 20 IQ points.
Host: All right, Initial! Close your eyes and choose the most "spiritual" answer, oMMmMm Step 1/4: SEXUALITY
- MALE ((Graphic: a pair of men's brown leather wing-tipped shoes))
- FEMALE ((Graphic: a pair of ladies wedge sandals))
- TRANNY ((Graphic: a pair of red high-heeled shoes))
- HIPPY ((Graphic: a pair of bare feet))
Mr. I.M.: I'll go with the wing-tipped shoes, 'cause I'm a male sorta guy. And I like nice shoes.
Host: Male it is! And for the folks back home, remember, LING LOVES IDIOTS WITH iPHONES!. Step 2/4: RACE-ZEN
- WHITEY ((Graphic: Guy in a KKK hood with a cross behind him. Yep.))
- DARKER ((Graphic: Navy/blue/red/white portrait of Mr. Obama.))
- JAP ((Graphic: ...Mahatma Ghandi?!))
- MASTER ((Graphic: Angela Merkel, Chancellor of Germany. Geeze, subtle much, Madam Ling?))
Mr. I.M.: Well, no matter what I pick, I'll either be lying or I'll look like a racist jerk, so let's be a boastful racist jerk, shall we? I pick MASTER!
Host: At least you're willing to admit your true allegiance, Initial, you racist, racist bastard. No wonder GOD HATES CARS if people like you drive them. Step 3/4: CAR MOOD
- COCK ((Graphic: Red sports car.))
- BUTCH ((Graphic: Pick-up truck.))
- GREEN ((Graphic: Blue, pretentious-looking car))
- KNOB ((Graphic: Reliant Robin))
Mr. I.M.: I like! Weird! Cars and I cannot lie!
You other drivers can't deny!
When a Robin rolls by with the wheels to the sky
And a driver yelling "AAAIIIII"
You-
Host: ...please stop. Just.... answer the question. And please don't start dancing again.
Mr. I.M.: ...I thought my choice of "knob" was obvious. After all, I like! Weird!
Host: PLEASE! ... let's just get to the next question. Step 4/4: RELIGOCITY
- GOD ((Graphic: Richard Dawkins.))
- GAD ((Graphic: Muammar Gadaffi.))
- DOG ((Graphic: The face of a chihuahua))
- MAO ((Graphic: The man himself))
Cryin' all the time!
You ain't nothing but a hound dog!
Cryin' all the time!
Host:... So you choose 'Dog'?
Mr. I.M.: Man's best friend. Unlike cats, which are man's pest friends.
Host: And the result is: You are a loony adoring, brogue appreciating hair puller ...who wants a snappily arranged, precisely driven new car. ...AND HERE IS YOUR CAR: the Nissan Qashqai, only £234.40. And just a Note to Americans: the £ is like the $, except bigger.
Do you want to Buy Car or Try Again?
Mr. I.M.: ...Is there away to get the Robin Reliant? Because..
I like! Weird! Cars and I cannot lie.
You other drivers can't deny!
When a Robin rolls by with the wheels to the sky
And a driver yelling "AAAIIIII"
You just WANT!
*Microphone cuts out*
Host: How can we drain them of enough IQ points to rent from us if they just keep taking this for a great big joke--wait, was this mic on?