Aug 01, 2010 04:10
I still cant help but feel like something is very wrong with me.
I seem to care little about almost everything now. Even things that should be very important to me have little meaning. Often times I realize that someone is talking to me and telling me a story about a person they met or something that happened to them that was significant, and I had just been ignoring them, or thinking about how I just want to get the hell out of there, or live by myself in a deserted piece of untouched grasslands with my family a stone throw away and heavy things to lift and nothing else.
Sometimes somebody will be telling me how they idolize a person, or about a celebrity, and how something that celebrity did recently was important, and rather than at least being courteous enough to listen to what they are saying, I find that I have no patience to do that, and immediately zone out. I find the lives of anyone remotely more important than me to be like a dream - as I feel my world slowly disintegrates into bleakness and that nothing special will ever happen to me, I feel like people who are important are just cancerous sores on society. I think that such fame, recognition, and time wasted thinking about these certain people could be better used on curing a disease, or rethinking the current legislation, or deciding a course of action in dealing with terrorists.
I find myself sitting at my computer, half asleep, and half broken, searching for answers from nobody by typing my stupid thoughts on a stupid blog site, because I lack the courage to tell anyone that I don't enjoy anything anymore and am basically tired of living life about 80% of the time.
But what really just makes me lose all confidence is the fact that I am always at a loss for an answer to something important that comes up in my life, until it is too late. I am always a victim of "the aftershock" of life. Always coming up with a solution to a solved problem, or being hopelessly stuck, unable to pave a new path until someone naturally better than me paves it first. Then I sit there, angry, sullen, and beside myself hating myself for not coming up with the idea, or having the resources as the one who did, or not having the knowledge, or anything else.
So many things I can think of just off the top of my head make me want to just lie in bed and never get up. So many thoughts of other people thinking these exact same thoughts, and the futility of me even writing them down, as I'm sure through the course of human history, these same thoughts have been written over and over and nothing is original ... again. But that is just the life I live. A life of hope and mediocrity. Living with a dream that will never come true, because it seems I was never born to make it come true.