(no subject)
6 months. did i feel like i had nothing left to say? or was i just tired of saying things? 6 months and id like to think im better off now than id been before. in fact, i know i am. maybe thats why i stopped writing in this thing in the first place. i used this as a way to keep the things in my head from taking over and consuming me, but instead this became something to look over and keep fresh in my mind. maybe thats why i didnt do anything for so long. or maybe i just needed to take the time for life to pass me by so that i could finally have some time to myself.
thats what this summer was. thats what this is now. its a stop that i desperately needed. actually, its been 8 months since february, which is when i should have really stopped. three months since july, where i almost did it to myself again. twice. i was in a bad way for roughly two years, and im just now feeling like i can say with some confidence that ive snapped out of it. too much thinking and too many vices all at once. not that things are perfect, but they are good.
clear.
i think i also got caught up using this thing as some kind of narcissistic "hey look at me look at me" log of my life. i had it linked in my profile, mentioned it constantly in my aways. i had one of those stupid links that let me see who clicked it. as a result, so many old entries are so vague that i cant figure out what exactly i was thinking in the first place. i think now i can safely say that maybe 2 people will ever read this, and thats fine. i can be more honest now.
the summer was a necessary one. i did so much nothing it would make your head spin. aside from the chicago road trip, the party at my place, and the many trips to the lake, i dont remember it being all that memorable, which is nice. uneventful can be cathartic in its own way.
so now im back here in cambridge, where ive been for the last month and a half. not doing all that much. studying a lot more, but just to kill time. i came close to falling into the same silly groove again, but advice from friends kept me from slipping. and thank god for that, i needed someone to finally point out my ridiculous habits. i realize now that i have this tendency to fall too quickly and get in too deep for all the wrong reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. i have to figure out what exactly im looking for before i go out and try to get it, or im just gonna get screwed or worse, screw someone else, every time.
i really need this time to myself. shut down AIM, trying to stay away from facebook, not picking up very many calls or going out too often. i need to keep things all about me for a while. and i have a feeling this is a good idea.
something odd, though. i cant help this feeling that im coming close to the end of something big, but i cant figure out for the life of me what that is. but its keeping me awake at night, and on edge all the time. i dont know if its good or bad or what. i feel like im at this huge inevitable transition point that i dont know if i am or am not ready for. or maybe its just something im feeling from cutting back hard from booze and ganj. who knows.
still not so sure about school, as usual. i still dont find it fun or interesting, and im still questioning why im there in the first place. but theres a couple good things. we finally got to interview standardized patients, and it was so cool. we're not supposed to be very good at it at all, since we're still total newbies, but one of the ladies told me that mine was excellent, and she said it like she was taken aback by it. that was a good feeling, like maybe thats why im doing this whole thing in the first place.
and ive managed to watch seasons 1-5 of scrubs in the last couple weeks. not that its completely true to life, but ive heard its pretty accurate. anyway, i feel like i could see myself in those situations, and being happy being in those situations. like its where i belong. its silly, but its still reassuring. less than a year, and i'll begin my rounds. ill be thrown into the mix. and hopefully then ill finally know if this is really for me. i hope ill find something i really enjoy.
thats what this summer was. thats what this is now. its a stop that i desperately needed. actually, its been 8 months since february, which is when i should have really stopped. three months since july, where i almost did it to myself again. twice. i was in a bad way for roughly two years, and im just now feeling like i can say with some confidence that ive snapped out of it. too much thinking and too many vices all at once. not that things are perfect, but they are good.
clear.
i think i also got caught up using this thing as some kind of narcissistic "hey look at me look at me" log of my life. i had it linked in my profile, mentioned it constantly in my aways. i had one of those stupid links that let me see who clicked it. as a result, so many old entries are so vague that i cant figure out what exactly i was thinking in the first place. i think now i can safely say that maybe 2 people will ever read this, and thats fine. i can be more honest now.
the summer was a necessary one. i did so much nothing it would make your head spin. aside from the chicago road trip, the party at my place, and the many trips to the lake, i dont remember it being all that memorable, which is nice. uneventful can be cathartic in its own way.
so now im back here in cambridge, where ive been for the last month and a half. not doing all that much. studying a lot more, but just to kill time. i came close to falling into the same silly groove again, but advice from friends kept me from slipping. and thank god for that, i needed someone to finally point out my ridiculous habits. i realize now that i have this tendency to fall too quickly and get in too deep for all the wrong reasons, and sometimes for no reason at all. i have to figure out what exactly im looking for before i go out and try to get it, or im just gonna get screwed or worse, screw someone else, every time.
i really need this time to myself. shut down AIM, trying to stay away from facebook, not picking up very many calls or going out too often. i need to keep things all about me for a while. and i have a feeling this is a good idea.
something odd, though. i cant help this feeling that im coming close to the end of something big, but i cant figure out for the life of me what that is. but its keeping me awake at night, and on edge all the time. i dont know if its good or bad or what. i feel like im at this huge inevitable transition point that i dont know if i am or am not ready for. or maybe its just something im feeling from cutting back hard from booze and ganj. who knows.
still not so sure about school, as usual. i still dont find it fun or interesting, and im still questioning why im there in the first place. but theres a couple good things. we finally got to interview standardized patients, and it was so cool. we're not supposed to be very good at it at all, since we're still total newbies, but one of the ladies told me that mine was excellent, and she said it like she was taken aback by it. that was a good feeling, like maybe thats why im doing this whole thing in the first place.
and ive managed to watch seasons 1-5 of scrubs in the last couple weeks. not that its completely true to life, but ive heard its pretty accurate. anyway, i feel like i could see myself in those situations, and being happy being in those situations. like its where i belong. its silly, but its still reassuring. less than a year, and i'll begin my rounds. ill be thrown into the mix. and hopefully then ill finally know if this is really for me. i hope ill find something i really enjoy.