Operation VulnerABILITY
Today I had the privelege of dining w/a certain RA from Delta ,Miss. Kathy Johnson. We had a wonderful talk about what we've been taught so far this year. She brought up the idea to me,that when people feel that they have been abandoned by God that it is possible that God is at that point showing them a part of Himself they haven't seen and that they just don't recognize Him. I found that to be an amazing idea. I've never thought of that. But it's true, I can think of times in my life when He has done that w/me and at the end of it, I can look back and I know He was there all along.
Also I brought up the idea that we may feel abandoned because we are going through a part of ourselves that we didn't know was there and we don't know what to make of it, and nothing in our world makes sense. It's scary, but that is a lot of what my fall semester was like. Though it was hard, I am right now seeing some of the benefit to my journey through that painful time, that isn't entirely over, but I can now see a light I didn't used to see.
Another very important part of our talk was about what we are working on right now. I personally have realized in all of this that I need to work on forgiveness and bitterness, two things that hold me back from trusting, which stops me from being vulnerable. This makes it very hard for me to love, fully. Now I know i love people, but it's very rare, if ever at all that I am vulnerable. I know this summer I'll learn how to build a real relationship w/my dad, and in order to do that I will have to learn to be vulnerable and open towards him. that may hurt, and it's risky because it makes it easier for him to hurt me, but it's a risk worth taking if i can finally heal that side of me and learn more on how to love.
maybe someday, when i am finally with the person God has for me, I will be able to fully love and be vulnerable, easier than i can now...maybe this whole thing this summer will blow up in my face and that person will have a tough road ahead of them in waiting for me to catch up w/them in vulnerability skills...who knows? i don't...but I can only do the best I can with what I have. I am trying, and I know in the end something will come of it, and good or bad, i'll be learning, and that's the point of it all.
anyway, this is a real long journal entry...I just had some things in my head I wanted to get out.
Take care all.
Also I brought up the idea that we may feel abandoned because we are going through a part of ourselves that we didn't know was there and we don't know what to make of it, and nothing in our world makes sense. It's scary, but that is a lot of what my fall semester was like. Though it was hard, I am right now seeing some of the benefit to my journey through that painful time, that isn't entirely over, but I can now see a light I didn't used to see.
Another very important part of our talk was about what we are working on right now. I personally have realized in all of this that I need to work on forgiveness and bitterness, two things that hold me back from trusting, which stops me from being vulnerable. This makes it very hard for me to love, fully. Now I know i love people, but it's very rare, if ever at all that I am vulnerable. I know this summer I'll learn how to build a real relationship w/my dad, and in order to do that I will have to learn to be vulnerable and open towards him. that may hurt, and it's risky because it makes it easier for him to hurt me, but it's a risk worth taking if i can finally heal that side of me and learn more on how to love.
maybe someday, when i am finally with the person God has for me, I will be able to fully love and be vulnerable, easier than i can now...maybe this whole thing this summer will blow up in my face and that person will have a tough road ahead of them in waiting for me to catch up w/them in vulnerability skills...who knows? i don't...but I can only do the best I can with what I have. I am trying, and I know in the end something will come of it, and good or bad, i'll be learning, and that's the point of it all.
anyway, this is a real long journal entry...I just had some things in my head I wanted to get out.
Take care all.