2014 Fandom Year in Review
I suppose this is a little late, but I wrote a fuck-ton last year so putting everything up is like O_O.
Everything is Hannibal by the way. I didn't produce any fanworks outside of Hanninbal fandom this year.
(Crossposted to Tumblr.)
Vids
Fugue
Sexy Boy
Fanmixes
On the Prowl
Dancing in the Dark
Heart of Gold
Fic
From August onwards, the bulk of my writing work went into twinkyempath, a sort of RP blog wherein people ask a super slutty version of Will Graham questions about his sex life and he answers . . . more or less. The entire work (currently 90k) is archived on Archive of Our Own and up to date.
April
Live Bait
May
Succor
See My Heart
June
The Dim Heart of the River
July
A Cup Will Come Together
100 Push-Ups
A Fine Piece of Dick
Guns in the Summertime
Lay Your Big Spike Down
A Helping Hand
He's Beauty and He's Grace
August
Girl, Boy
A Heart Whose Love is Innocent
Fire and Sword with Ease Subdues
September
Disclosure
Rapine
Incandescent
October
Starships Were Meant to Fly
November
Like This
December
A Good Boy
Comments
Despite the fact I was depressed through at least half of this year, it's been one of the most productive, creatively and emotionally speaking, in my entire life. The depression I was in was just a sign that I needed to make major changes, and the process of making changes has been really wonderful. It also reflects in my writing.
For years I wrote about destructive and abusive relationships without understanding why, and I wrote about people who are orphans, emotionally or literally, and I couldn't get why I always gravitated to them. But this year I finally got to understand that, as a person from an abusive family background, my only models for any kind of love were destructive, and that I was, for all intents and purposes, emotionally orphaned as a child. So no wonder!
Writing Hannibal has really been a godsend. The source itself is all about a destructive, abusive relationship, and how a person who is essentially incapable of real love (Hannibal) is trying to figure that out. To say Hannibal fails at this utterly and completely would be like saying that the Titanic just ran into a chip of ice. Hannibal is the best at being the worst, and the way he expresses love is manipulative, coercive, destructive, abusive. But I love writing that. I love it because I have given myself permission, at last, to write about things and be truthful about my experiences.
I know that Hannibal and Will's relationship, which is 90% of all my fics, is destructive and everything you never want. But as an abuse survivor this shit is crack to me, it feeds the parts of me which are damaged and need love and healing, and it helps me to understand, slowly, bit by bit, how I am worthy of real love and not the kind of "love" which is bad and not really love.
Also: Hannibal fandom is possibly one of the healthiest fandoms I've been in. There is a minimum of wank, we do somewhat have BNFs, but it's sort of a loose and casual system, rather than any kind of hierarchy and people seem rather approachable and kind for the most part. People support each other even when we don't essentially agree on certain things. And there is pretty much every kink under the sun and no-one even cares. Seriously, nothing is too kinky for the Fannibals.
From the outside I know we look like a frothing den of maniacs -- and we are -- but appearances are deceptive here. I think that because we let our internal "crazy" out and give it regular, vigorous exercise, we tend to be more sedate and supportive in other ways.
It's really important to talk about the shitty stuff, the weird stuff, the unsettling stuff, the stuff that is very very very very wrong by all accounts. Because if you talk about it, you can let it go. At least that is true for me.
I'm really glad to love this show and be in this fandom, because it's really given me permission to let go of so many things, to stop worrying so much, and just write stuff even when it's really fucked up. Maybe especially then.
The highlight aside from being welcomed into fandom, was writing a vaguley RP blog, twinkyempath. I never expected a blog that basically started as "all porn and 60 % hardcore kink, all the time" to turn into a detailed character study with three first person narrators, non-linear narratives galore, and a lot to say about what we see and don't see about the people we love.
I'm stupidly grateful about this blog though, and the people who read and support it. It basically got me back into writing regularly, and has taught me so many things about writing, how I write, and what I like to write. It's given me courage to experiment and to write whatever the fuck I want, and to write it how I want to.
All and all, I feel like I have my voice back. I feel like I have confidence and strength again as a writer.
So in short: a really damn good year.
comments at dreamwidth. Comment there using dreamwidth or OpenID.
Everything is Hannibal by the way. I didn't produce any fanworks outside of Hanninbal fandom this year.
(Crossposted to Tumblr.)
Vids
Fugue
Sexy Boy
Fanmixes
On the Prowl
Dancing in the Dark
Heart of Gold
Fic
From August onwards, the bulk of my writing work went into twinkyempath, a sort of RP blog wherein people ask a super slutty version of Will Graham questions about his sex life and he answers . . . more or less. The entire work (currently 90k) is archived on Archive of Our Own and up to date.
April
Live Bait
May
Succor
See My Heart
June
The Dim Heart of the River
July
A Cup Will Come Together
100 Push-Ups
A Fine Piece of Dick
Guns in the Summertime
Lay Your Big Spike Down
A Helping Hand
He's Beauty and He's Grace
August
Girl, Boy
A Heart Whose Love is Innocent
Fire and Sword with Ease Subdues
September
Disclosure
Rapine
Incandescent
October
Starships Were Meant to Fly
November
Like This
December
A Good Boy
Comments
Despite the fact I was depressed through at least half of this year, it's been one of the most productive, creatively and emotionally speaking, in my entire life. The depression I was in was just a sign that I needed to make major changes, and the process of making changes has been really wonderful. It also reflects in my writing.
For years I wrote about destructive and abusive relationships without understanding why, and I wrote about people who are orphans, emotionally or literally, and I couldn't get why I always gravitated to them. But this year I finally got to understand that, as a person from an abusive family background, my only models for any kind of love were destructive, and that I was, for all intents and purposes, emotionally orphaned as a child. So no wonder!
Writing Hannibal has really been a godsend. The source itself is all about a destructive, abusive relationship, and how a person who is essentially incapable of real love (Hannibal) is trying to figure that out. To say Hannibal fails at this utterly and completely would be like saying that the Titanic just ran into a chip of ice. Hannibal is the best at being the worst, and the way he expresses love is manipulative, coercive, destructive, abusive. But I love writing that. I love it because I have given myself permission, at last, to write about things and be truthful about my experiences.
I know that Hannibal and Will's relationship, which is 90% of all my fics, is destructive and everything you never want. But as an abuse survivor this shit is crack to me, it feeds the parts of me which are damaged and need love and healing, and it helps me to understand, slowly, bit by bit, how I am worthy of real love and not the kind of "love" which is bad and not really love.
Also: Hannibal fandom is possibly one of the healthiest fandoms I've been in. There is a minimum of wank, we do somewhat have BNFs, but it's sort of a loose and casual system, rather than any kind of hierarchy and people seem rather approachable and kind for the most part. People support each other even when we don't essentially agree on certain things. And there is pretty much every kink under the sun and no-one even cares. Seriously, nothing is too kinky for the Fannibals.
From the outside I know we look like a frothing den of maniacs -- and we are -- but appearances are deceptive here. I think that because we let our internal "crazy" out and give it regular, vigorous exercise, we tend to be more sedate and supportive in other ways.
It's really important to talk about the shitty stuff, the weird stuff, the unsettling stuff, the stuff that is very very very very wrong by all accounts. Because if you talk about it, you can let it go. At least that is true for me.
I'm really glad to love this show and be in this fandom, because it's really given me permission to let go of so many things, to stop worrying so much, and just write stuff even when it's really fucked up. Maybe especially then.
The highlight aside from being welcomed into fandom, was writing a vaguley RP blog, twinkyempath. I never expected a blog that basically started as "all porn and 60 % hardcore kink, all the time" to turn into a detailed character study with three first person narrators, non-linear narratives galore, and a lot to say about what we see and don't see about the people we love.
I'm stupidly grateful about this blog though, and the people who read and support it. It basically got me back into writing regularly, and has taught me so many things about writing, how I write, and what I like to write. It's given me courage to experiment and to write whatever the fuck I want, and to write it how I want to.
All and all, I feel like I have my voice back. I feel like I have confidence and strength again as a writer.
So in short: a really damn good year.
comments at dreamwidth. Comment there using dreamwidth or OpenID.