Whoops!
I just moved to Ocala.
I felt terribly afraid that all my old posts would be deleted as LJ cleared out the old caches, and have been too afraid to look. For years. And now, seeing that the most recent postings from anyone I knew were from 4 years ago, i felt nauseated. I can't explain it. I feel like an impostor with no mind, and a head full of someone else's memories. Someone who had friends, and wants, and dreams, and I'm so confused about what to do with them, but I know they're too precious to throw out. Like everything in my closet.
I never thought I would get past an aspect of my own narcissism to think that jumping back into somebodies life could make things worse. Now I can't help but feel that way about everyone in my past (even my recent past). At least I could rant here, and someone might be here to read my thoughts, but I'm not a kid anymore, and hope is a luxury, and I'm alone in my mind.
That being said: I hope you're happy, and I think about you more than I should. Not all the time, and not about what could have been, but just a sadness of loss. As if by letting you know how important you were to me every couple years would prove that I meant it when it mattered. Because for some reason I still find it important that you know you can count on me 100%.
(edit-I can't even say that that's true. No one can count on me, because I can't even count on myself, and I'm angry for saying that.Why can't I let go of anything)
(double edit- What I should have said is thank you, because I always knew I could count on you 100%. I thought it was because of some deep connection we had, but who am I kidding? You never let my calls go unanswered, and I have never felt alone up until recently, when i realized i shouldn't let my problems and insecurities get in the way of happiness in those that have ever cared about me)
Saying all that was not my intention when I came here, but i guess this blog has a way of dragging the truth out of me.