Cue Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"
O Lord-thou most awesome, energetic, thrifty, and charming God, hear your servant beseech thee to grant him solace in this, his moment of most grievous vomit inducement.
While I remain forever willing to grant thee the excuse of God's Will at least 50 percent of the time, I am vexed and sore nettled at why thee put a tool of Satan, a babbling blonde of minor girth and diminished intellect shouting into her cell phone quite near me as I walked back to the office after lunch. Grant me Lord the wisdom to understand why this Lilith, this Jezebel, this Coulter and her grating, valley girlish intonations were permitted to sink into my ears like the poison of adders as she explained to her BFF:
* That she, like, didst view the news reports, and discovered that, like, 48 percent of the population look upon the works of thy other servant Barack with, like, scorn, and like, disapproved of his policies which won't work anyway, and like, wished to, like, cast him out into the place of shadows and vipers after only his 46th day as, like, their king. Whereof these displeased people doth be I know not, nor the source of this dire pronouncement. However, as we approached the offices of Fox News, I was granted an epiphany, and now have a pretty damn good idea.
* That though your servant Barack and his administration hath ordered elbow grease by the barrel and grindstones by the truckload in order to unfuck what damage the Boy-King Beast hath wrought for the past eight years, it doesn't matter. My mind became poxed as I heard her explain that all this melancholy and grief afflicting the nation was so because, by some divine mystery it is all somehow his fault, and everything is going straight down the commode in a handbasket within a tin goose's intestines because thy servant Barack hath dared to apply intelligence, forethought, and planning to these turgid times. Soon, she prophesied, all the people will behold with great wonderment what an "asshole" they elected.
* That Obama came from the east riding a pale horse, and death and hell and the Whore of Babylon SOCIALISM followed with him. And all that he promised was as the scent of poop, because it's all SOCIALISM. And when people learn that he is a SOCIALIST practicing SOCIALISTIC SOCIALISM, alas, it will be too late, and they will weep in the darkness of their non-foreclosed homes as they receive free to low-cost healthcare, better schools, and other torments reserved for the damned. Also, SOCIALISMSOCIALISMSOCIALISM. And might she add, SOCIALISM.
* Finally, the harpy didst proclaim that all that rhetoric about "Change we can believe in" and "Hope" and "We are the ones we've been waiting for" meant nothing and were as the sound of a sounding brass and clanging gong, though it seems the President hath pretty much done much of what he proclaimed with trumpet and cymbal and ram's horn upon Election Night, and the "we" meant those on both sides who would work to repair this country, rather than those who would spill their seed over the rhetoric of philosophical lepers and false prophets possessed by cruel and insensately stupid demons. They are called "Legion," for they are many, though the names Limbaugh and O'Reilly also suggest themselves. Here is wisdom, upon their brows shall be written "six hundred threescore and six," and they shall wear skins befitting beasts, such as t-shirts that proclaim "One Man + One Woman = Marriage" and "Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required," and "If You Can Read This, the Bitch Fell Off."
But perhaps you wished me to learn from her horrifically shortsighted and bitter example, O Lord. Perhaps I should seek to assuage my wrath when I hear such piffle, and choose to listen to her with compassion and patience, in hopes that by my example she will learn and become enlightened, and put away childish things, and perhaps even learn to stop talking with the same brain dead inflection she probably had at age 14.
Send an angel to her tonight, O Lord, and tell her that-even if she remains infused with inanity, selfishness, and the inability to understand that as she hears the ice cracking beneath her feet, it's probably best not to scream and jump up and down-we love her and seek to live and work in peace with her.
Also, remind her that if the President is ever impeached, the next two folks in line are Biden and Pelosi. Then, O Lord, videotape her explosive reaction. Because I could use a good laugh.
Selah.
While I remain forever willing to grant thee the excuse of God's Will at least 50 percent of the time, I am vexed and sore nettled at why thee put a tool of Satan, a babbling blonde of minor girth and diminished intellect shouting into her cell phone quite near me as I walked back to the office after lunch. Grant me Lord the wisdom to understand why this Lilith, this Jezebel, this Coulter and her grating, valley girlish intonations were permitted to sink into my ears like the poison of adders as she explained to her BFF:
* That she, like, didst view the news reports, and discovered that, like, 48 percent of the population look upon the works of thy other servant Barack with, like, scorn, and like, disapproved of his policies which won't work anyway, and like, wished to, like, cast him out into the place of shadows and vipers after only his 46th day as, like, their king. Whereof these displeased people doth be I know not, nor the source of this dire pronouncement. However, as we approached the offices of Fox News, I was granted an epiphany, and now have a pretty damn good idea.
* That though your servant Barack and his administration hath ordered elbow grease by the barrel and grindstones by the truckload in order to unfuck what damage the Boy-King Beast hath wrought for the past eight years, it doesn't matter. My mind became poxed as I heard her explain that all this melancholy and grief afflicting the nation was so because, by some divine mystery it is all somehow his fault, and everything is going straight down the commode in a handbasket within a tin goose's intestines because thy servant Barack hath dared to apply intelligence, forethought, and planning to these turgid times. Soon, she prophesied, all the people will behold with great wonderment what an "asshole" they elected.
* That Obama came from the east riding a pale horse, and death and hell and the Whore of Babylon SOCIALISM followed with him. And all that he promised was as the scent of poop, because it's all SOCIALISM. And when people learn that he is a SOCIALIST practicing SOCIALISTIC SOCIALISM, alas, it will be too late, and they will weep in the darkness of their non-foreclosed homes as they receive free to low-cost healthcare, better schools, and other torments reserved for the damned. Also, SOCIALISMSOCIALISMSOCIALISM. And might she add, SOCIALISM.
* Finally, the harpy didst proclaim that all that rhetoric about "Change we can believe in" and "Hope" and "We are the ones we've been waiting for" meant nothing and were as the sound of a sounding brass and clanging gong, though it seems the President hath pretty much done much of what he proclaimed with trumpet and cymbal and ram's horn upon Election Night, and the "we" meant those on both sides who would work to repair this country, rather than those who would spill their seed over the rhetoric of philosophical lepers and false prophets possessed by cruel and insensately stupid demons. They are called "Legion," for they are many, though the names Limbaugh and O'Reilly also suggest themselves. Here is wisdom, upon their brows shall be written "six hundred threescore and six," and they shall wear skins befitting beasts, such as t-shirts that proclaim "One Man + One Woman = Marriage" and "Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required," and "If You Can Read This, the Bitch Fell Off."
But perhaps you wished me to learn from her horrifically shortsighted and bitter example, O Lord. Perhaps I should seek to assuage my wrath when I hear such piffle, and choose to listen to her with compassion and patience, in hopes that by my example she will learn and become enlightened, and put away childish things, and perhaps even learn to stop talking with the same brain dead inflection she probably had at age 14.
Send an angel to her tonight, O Lord, and tell her that-even if she remains infused with inanity, selfishness, and the inability to understand that as she hears the ice cracking beneath her feet, it's probably best not to scream and jump up and down-we love her and seek to live and work in peace with her.
Also, remind her that if the President is ever impeached, the next two folks in line are Biden and Pelosi. Then, O Lord, videotape her explosive reaction. Because I could use a good laugh.
Selah.