Cast of Characters
* The Bed-Wetter-Grows vocally despondent at the meanness of both sides, declaring all negative statements to be equally vile, despite their truthfulness, falsity, or relevance. Shocked and horrified that we all can't get along and that elections can't be decided by a potato sack race.
* The Enlightened Soul-Knows in his heart and explains at length that voting is a sham, since the current election was decided during a secret meeting between Ben Franklin, the Illuminati, the Count of St. Germain, and Johnny Appleseed in 1783. Also, McCain is a reptileman and 7th level magic-user.
* The Cool Cynic-Refuses to take sides, declaring all candidates equally corrupt, pre-establishing himself as an infallibly wise greybeard since all politicians eventually fuck up. It seems highly unlikely that the Cool Cynic has ever actually cast a vote, since all elections are shams and voting is meaningless. Regardless, there isn't a chance that he'll recognize the utter pointlessness and nihilism of his worldview and shut the hell up.
* The Black Hole-Voting for one candidate because she knows "nothing" about the other one, and isn't that suspicious?. Old and rarely seen with books, newspapers, or web access, but frequently propped in front of a television set apparently tuned to a single channel required by law to never show anything about the other candidate. Would never believe anything as ridiculous as the suggestion that Obama is a reptileman, but are convinced that he's a Arab terrorist. That is if they know anything about him at all, which they don't. And isn't that suspicious?
* The Offended-Disgusted with your impolite attempts to discuss the so-called issues with her and rude suggestions that your side might possess a good point or two. Repulsed by the way you shove your opinions in her face vis a vis buttons, posters, conversation, your insistence on voting, your thoughts, your mere presence, and your unwillingness to cave and grovel before her half-assed and ill-informed notions. Probably a relative.
* The Empty Vessel-I'm voting for Mr. Shiny because he's shiny, and I like shiny things. What? His platform? Um... Is it a shiny platform? because I like shiny things. Don't you? Giggle. Titter.
* The Single-Issue-to-Decide-Everything-Maniac-Which one's the baby killer? him? All right, I'm voting for the other guy. What? Nope, nope, nope! I don't want to hear it! La la la la la la! I can't hear your suggestions that there are other issues and forces at work here. I want to not be killing the babies! La la la la la la!!!
* The Undecided-Secret Republican.
* The Enlightened Soul-Knows in his heart and explains at length that voting is a sham, since the current election was decided during a secret meeting between Ben Franklin, the Illuminati, the Count of St. Germain, and Johnny Appleseed in 1783. Also, McCain is a reptileman and 7th level magic-user.
* The Cool Cynic-Refuses to take sides, declaring all candidates equally corrupt, pre-establishing himself as an infallibly wise greybeard since all politicians eventually fuck up. It seems highly unlikely that the Cool Cynic has ever actually cast a vote, since all elections are shams and voting is meaningless. Regardless, there isn't a chance that he'll recognize the utter pointlessness and nihilism of his worldview and shut the hell up.
* The Black Hole-Voting for one candidate because she knows "nothing" about the other one, and isn't that suspicious?. Old and rarely seen with books, newspapers, or web access, but frequently propped in front of a television set apparently tuned to a single channel required by law to never show anything about the other candidate. Would never believe anything as ridiculous as the suggestion that Obama is a reptileman, but are convinced that he's a Arab terrorist. That is if they know anything about him at all, which they don't. And isn't that suspicious?
* The Offended-Disgusted with your impolite attempts to discuss the so-called issues with her and rude suggestions that your side might possess a good point or two. Repulsed by the way you shove your opinions in her face vis a vis buttons, posters, conversation, your insistence on voting, your thoughts, your mere presence, and your unwillingness to cave and grovel before her half-assed and ill-informed notions. Probably a relative.
* The Empty Vessel-I'm voting for Mr. Shiny because he's shiny, and I like shiny things. What? His platform? Um... Is it a shiny platform? because I like shiny things. Don't you? Giggle. Titter.
* The Single-Issue-to-Decide-Everything-Maniac-Which one's the baby killer? him? All right, I'm voting for the other guy. What? Nope, nope, nope! I don't want to hear it! La la la la la la! I can't hear your suggestions that there are other issues and forces at work here. I want to not be killing the babies! La la la la la la!!!
* The Undecided-Secret Republican.