Whoever Owes Me Money, Pay Me Back NOW
Meet and greet Gillian Anderson at the X-Files movie premiere.
I like the Q&A section delineating that when you meet Gillian you must not touch the glass. You must not approach the glass. You pass her nothing but soft paper-no pencils or pens. No staples or paper clips in her paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. If she attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it.
Anyway, I have a few questions of my own, along with my fantasy answers.
Q: Will Gillian pose for a picture with me?
A: Certainly. In fact, Gillian will be pleased to pose for photos dressed as a naughty schoolgirl, saucy French maid, stern nanny, bat-shit insane cat lady, disgruntled postal worker, or supportive girlfriend who agrees with you that Wolverine is fucking awesome and who will never yammer in your ear about going out to dinner while you're trying to play Half-Life.
Q: Will Gillian answer any questions I might have?
A: Gillian will happily answer all your questions without once rolling her eyes, sighing audibly, checking her watch, or asking you what the hell you've done with your life since you're a 41-year-old man asking her what she was thinking when the demon cat attacked her in scene six of episode 18.
Q: Will Gillian agree to look at my script?
A: Gillian would like nothing better than to look at your script, short stories, novel, and fanfic. She may even share a few readings from her recently published anthology of Skinner/Frohike slash.
Q: Would Gillian like to get a bite somewhere after the meet and greet? Or maybe catch Hancock or, you know, go bowling?
A: Sure, Gillian isn't doing anything important that night. Call all your friends so they can see the star of The X-Files and House of Mirth scarfing down pizza slices and knocking back brewskis with you at your local hang-out. Shortly thereafter, she will begin licking your ear and making out with you in the corner by the jukebox while your buddies line up to give you the high five.
Q: Will Gillian agree to an interview?
A: Why the hell not? In fact, afterwards, Gillian will be willing to breathe heavily into your tape recorder, slowly building to a raging crescendo before screaming, "OH! MY! GOD! YOU'RE PLOWING INTO ME LIKE A WILDEBEEST, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!!!" Use it as an outgoing voice mail message. Won't grandma be surprised?
Q: Will Gillian be my friend?
A: Absofuckinglutely. You're paying for this shit, aren't you? As long as it honors the laws of physics, you can make her do anything you like. Why not dress her up like Lady Dedlocke of Masterpiece Theater's Bleak House and have her regally tend your landscaping? Imagine commanding the Emmy award-winning actress to crawl across your front lawn with a pair of scissors, looking for crabgrass and dandelions and singing "La Marseillaise," while you sip the mint juleps that she personally mixed on your front porch?
Q: Will David Duchovny be there?
A: No, David totally hates you. He told us so.