The Ultimate Sad Bachelor Pad
I'm reviewing some of my Silver Age comics, and I just don't have the heart to sell them all.
1. I never quite understood the need for the massive key. The guy comes from an advanced civilization and they never got past tumbler locks in terms of home security?
2. Whenever he opened the fortress, Superman always made a point of explaining that the key is disguised as an "aircraft path marker." Well, okay, but what was it supposed to be pointing to? And wouldn't all those Arctic planes wonder what happened to it when Supes was in the Fortress? And how many pilots said, "Look! An aircraft path marker! It'll lead us to safety before we run out of fuel! Praise God! Praise God!" (Followed by sound of plane spiraling earthward.
3. "Arggh! Need to run past Kryptonite samples quickly before they... ugh..." (Thump.) Wakes up later with three heads and a daisy growing out of his butt.
4. "No, Lois, I'm not Clark kent. I'm, uh, just very fond of him. Sure I have a statue of you. It's just a few floors down."
5. "Heh heh! Hi Bruce! Uh, yeah... Listen... Jimmy got ahead of me in the Fortress and figured out you and Dick are Batman and Robin, and, um, it's going to be on the front cover of the Daily Planet tomorrow. How did he find out? Uh... Oh, you'll laugh when you hear it!"
6. "HA HA! WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, EARTH PEOPLE!?!"
7. "Uh, no, Kara, the wax statues aren't in different places again. No, I do not pose them to make them kiss. Shut up! Look, I've been lonely, and Lois breaks easily, so I thought... Look, we're only first cousins, right? Uh, want some more schnapps?"
8. How sad/cool is it that Superman would have a room filled with atomic-powered robots to play tug-of-war with?
9. Jor-El and Lara archway room is apparently used for storage purposes. "Sorry, mom and dad, but I need someplace to store my weight equipment and copies of National Geographic."
10. They're not really dead, he just keeps them here in a secret room and forces them to call him Superboy whenever he visits.
Ma Kent: "Please, son, please let us go! We've forgotten what the sun looks like!"
Superman: "Ha ha! Remember that time Lana almost figured out I was Clark Kent, so I dressed Krypto up in my costume and he flew around town square while I used super-ventriloquism to make him talk? Good times, good times..."
Pa Kent: "Dear God, mother... Look at his eyes! He's gone insane! We're lost! We're lost!"
11. "So, you didn't like my article, huh, Perry? Well, fuck you! Yeah, you heard me! FUCK YOU, OLD MAN! How'd you like it if I MELTED YOUR FACE OFF!?! Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's heat vision, bitch! Burn, Perry! Burn! Now dance for me, Lois, while telling me you're a horny girl reporter! Yeah, baby! Dance! Ha ha ha! No one must find out about this room..."
12. "Look, I'm TRYING, okay, but even though I can make guns that convert lead into gold and build a time machine out of donuts, I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE YOU GROW TO NORMAL SIZE AGAIN, OKAY!?! Yes, I DID ask the Atom! I did. God, it's like having a million nagging relatives! Don't make me give you ungrateful little shits the Earl Grey tea treatment again!"
1. I never quite understood the need for the massive key. The guy comes from an advanced civilization and they never got past tumbler locks in terms of home security?
2. Whenever he opened the fortress, Superman always made a point of explaining that the key is disguised as an "aircraft path marker." Well, okay, but what was it supposed to be pointing to? And wouldn't all those Arctic planes wonder what happened to it when Supes was in the Fortress? And how many pilots said, "Look! An aircraft path marker! It'll lead us to safety before we run out of fuel! Praise God! Praise God!" (Followed by sound of plane spiraling earthward.
3. "Arggh! Need to run past Kryptonite samples quickly before they... ugh..." (Thump.) Wakes up later with three heads and a daisy growing out of his butt.
4. "No, Lois, I'm not Clark kent. I'm, uh, just very fond of him. Sure I have a statue of you. It's just a few floors down."
5. "Heh heh! Hi Bruce! Uh, yeah... Listen... Jimmy got ahead of me in the Fortress and figured out you and Dick are Batman and Robin, and, um, it's going to be on the front cover of the Daily Planet tomorrow. How did he find out? Uh... Oh, you'll laugh when you hear it!"
6. "HA HA! WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, EARTH PEOPLE!?!"
7. "Uh, no, Kara, the wax statues aren't in different places again. No, I do not pose them to make them kiss. Shut up! Look, I've been lonely, and Lois breaks easily, so I thought... Look, we're only first cousins, right? Uh, want some more schnapps?"
8. How sad/cool is it that Superman would have a room filled with atomic-powered robots to play tug-of-war with?
9. Jor-El and Lara archway room is apparently used for storage purposes. "Sorry, mom and dad, but I need someplace to store my weight equipment and copies of National Geographic."
10. They're not really dead, he just keeps them here in a secret room and forces them to call him Superboy whenever he visits.
Ma Kent: "Please, son, please let us go! We've forgotten what the sun looks like!"
Superman: "Ha ha! Remember that time Lana almost figured out I was Clark Kent, so I dressed Krypto up in my costume and he flew around town square while I used super-ventriloquism to make him talk? Good times, good times..."
Pa Kent: "Dear God, mother... Look at his eyes! He's gone insane! We're lost! We're lost!"
11. "So, you didn't like my article, huh, Perry? Well, fuck you! Yeah, you heard me! FUCK YOU, OLD MAN! How'd you like it if I MELTED YOUR FACE OFF!?! Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's heat vision, bitch! Burn, Perry! Burn! Now dance for me, Lois, while telling me you're a horny girl reporter! Yeah, baby! Dance! Ha ha ha! No one must find out about this room..."
12. "Look, I'm TRYING, okay, but even though I can make guns that convert lead into gold and build a time machine out of donuts, I HAVEN'T FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE YOU GROW TO NORMAL SIZE AGAIN, OKAY!?! Yes, I DID ask the Atom! I did. God, it's like having a million nagging relatives! Don't make me give you ungrateful little shits the Earl Grey tea treatment again!"