..no joaquin phoenix..
scene: sitting in shari's, mildly enjoying a rather bland cobb salad, a cute little fireball glides past guided by the waitress with a motorcycle helmet under her arm. i barely catch a glimpse, but she's cute. i look outside, and there's her ride, sleekly turned just so as if to be fixing me with a steely chrome gaze.
'wow' i think, how badass is that. a chick alone, on a motorcycle, coming to a a diner late night. she's independant. she's rock and roll. she's probably on the run from the law in multiple states, and doesn't give a shit about the coarseness of her language.
of course, that is all shattered when a pinch-faced ginger struts past about 10 minutes later, and slunks down into the seat opposite her. my perfect image of this free-riding dame, and this lantern-jaw has to come and screw it all up. i flash judgements upon her, and him. she's stupid for liking this reject that's obviously been kicked out of the gene pool. he's insecure and glares at every other alpha male in the room attempting mental dominance before he can be discovered to have a pickle chip for a brain.
but still. she did come alone, on a motorcycle, on a rainy night. she's got balls. and my respect. for that part at least, if not for her choice in men.
anyway, so the girl i emailed from CL that i didn't hear from after i sent some pictures actually did respond to me. she said my hat was cute. uh, no, wait. she said specifically 'i like the hat. i'm all about hats.' neat.
i confess, i go through a funny little process when i do this sort of thing. i impulsively email some filly that just seems like the kitty's yowl, but when they actually respond i'm infused with dread. 'oh no...' i think. before, it was like her ad was an acceptance of me, because everything in it was stuff i liked and had in common, or made her sound really interesting and by proxy she'd be interested in me because of my interest in her. but then, when you deal with the real person, comes the very real potential for rejection. once i got into an email frenzy with this really interesting girl. she was like, totally falling for my verbal acumen. we made plans to go to the climbing gym where i could seriously impress her with my skillz. but then the voice of reason (a male friend of hers in reality) said not to go that far with someone she didn't know, so we met at a diner just outside her place. she was immediately not into me, on a physical level. she almost seemed revolted to be honest. we had nice conversation for about 30 minutes before she had to leave. that was the last i ever heard from her.
and it is that sickening feeling that i always forget about when i email someone, thinking they'll find me cuter than hell and like me for my intelligence and humor. i mean, i do think that women aren't as into looks as men are. BUT, the caveat to that is that it is so when they get to know the man, through conversation and safe social situations (or drunken fumbling i guess). with the online thing, they're suddenly at a buffet and will basically throw back anything that isn't joaquin phoenix. they get that slot machine mentality where 'just one more pull will land the Golden Jackpot!' instead of, well, me.
i'm not as attractive as i think i am. i know this to be so. i'd be lying if that didn't hurt me a little when i see myself get passed over by passing gazes, but it could be much, much worse. its funny, i used to have a -horrifying- self-image. i hated seeing myself in the mirror (and honestly, sometimes still do). now, i've grown used to myself, like an old married couple. i think 'eh, you'll do', and have formed a pretty genial relationship with myself.
to a girl that i get to know conventionally, i've been loved. respected, admired, cherished, and treasured. they've seen me in all kinds of flattering light (literally sometimes). they've heard me play music, and seen me climb with grace and power. they've listened to me debate passionately (could also be read: 'argue like a jerk') and know that i'm a genuinely real, caring, thoughtful person.
to a girl online, i'm just... not joaquin phoenix. i mean, he MAY be out there, in a fit of wild loneliness, wanting to be accepted for something other than his stardom and incredible good looks and talent. pull the lever just one more time girl, and you could win one million kisses with the man of your dreams. honestly, i shouldn't even play when i'm no prize... not in this field.
but, that's me... sucker for a whim.
'wow' i think, how badass is that. a chick alone, on a motorcycle, coming to a a diner late night. she's independant. she's rock and roll. she's probably on the run from the law in multiple states, and doesn't give a shit about the coarseness of her language.
of course, that is all shattered when a pinch-faced ginger struts past about 10 minutes later, and slunks down into the seat opposite her. my perfect image of this free-riding dame, and this lantern-jaw has to come and screw it all up. i flash judgements upon her, and him. she's stupid for liking this reject that's obviously been kicked out of the gene pool. he's insecure and glares at every other alpha male in the room attempting mental dominance before he can be discovered to have a pickle chip for a brain.
but still. she did come alone, on a motorcycle, on a rainy night. she's got balls. and my respect. for that part at least, if not for her choice in men.
anyway, so the girl i emailed from CL that i didn't hear from after i sent some pictures actually did respond to me. she said my hat was cute. uh, no, wait. she said specifically 'i like the hat. i'm all about hats.' neat.
i confess, i go through a funny little process when i do this sort of thing. i impulsively email some filly that just seems like the kitty's yowl, but when they actually respond i'm infused with dread. 'oh no...' i think. before, it was like her ad was an acceptance of me, because everything in it was stuff i liked and had in common, or made her sound really interesting and by proxy she'd be interested in me because of my interest in her. but then, when you deal with the real person, comes the very real potential for rejection. once i got into an email frenzy with this really interesting girl. she was like, totally falling for my verbal acumen. we made plans to go to the climbing gym where i could seriously impress her with my skillz. but then the voice of reason (a male friend of hers in reality) said not to go that far with someone she didn't know, so we met at a diner just outside her place. she was immediately not into me, on a physical level. she almost seemed revolted to be honest. we had nice conversation for about 30 minutes before she had to leave. that was the last i ever heard from her.
and it is that sickening feeling that i always forget about when i email someone, thinking they'll find me cuter than hell and like me for my intelligence and humor. i mean, i do think that women aren't as into looks as men are. BUT, the caveat to that is that it is so when they get to know the man, through conversation and safe social situations (or drunken fumbling i guess). with the online thing, they're suddenly at a buffet and will basically throw back anything that isn't joaquin phoenix. they get that slot machine mentality where 'just one more pull will land the Golden Jackpot!' instead of, well, me.
i'm not as attractive as i think i am. i know this to be so. i'd be lying if that didn't hurt me a little when i see myself get passed over by passing gazes, but it could be much, much worse. its funny, i used to have a -horrifying- self-image. i hated seeing myself in the mirror (and honestly, sometimes still do). now, i've grown used to myself, like an old married couple. i think 'eh, you'll do', and have formed a pretty genial relationship with myself.
to a girl that i get to know conventionally, i've been loved. respected, admired, cherished, and treasured. they've seen me in all kinds of flattering light (literally sometimes). they've heard me play music, and seen me climb with grace and power. they've listened to me debate passionately (could also be read: 'argue like a jerk') and know that i'm a genuinely real, caring, thoughtful person.
to a girl online, i'm just... not joaquin phoenix. i mean, he MAY be out there, in a fit of wild loneliness, wanting to be accepted for something other than his stardom and incredible good looks and talent. pull the lever just one more time girl, and you could win one million kisses with the man of your dreams. honestly, i shouldn't even play when i'm no prize... not in this field.
but, that's me... sucker for a whim.