(no subject)
I'm sick of you guys treating me like I'm some kid of bad kid when I'm not.
You're my FRIENDS, not my PARENTS.
But I can't say anything to defend myself in this one, just like always, because that's how it is when people really are in too deep and don't realize it and everyone else does. YOU GUYS HAVE NOT SEEN ME AT ROCK BOTTOM. DONT FUCKING MAKE YOUR JUDGEMENTS UNTIL YOU'VE SEEN BAD. THIS IS NOT A WRONG PATH, THIS IS ME SHUFFLING ALONG AT MY OWN PACE ON YOUR NORMAL PATH.
Until I'm chronically bleeding from hungreds of peeling scabs and cuts to the extent of not being able to perform simple tasks like bringing the trash barrells down to the street, until my grades are close to sraight fs and I'm getting walked out of THIS school in handcuffs and shoved roughly in a cop car where the COPS just pick jokes at you, until I RUN out of my room, away from my dad who is telling me "YOURE SICK, YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT, YOU'RE FUCKING SICK!!" to get upstairs to the bathroom to take the razorblade out of my bleeding grip to slice my leg so far open that its impossible to clean up all the blood on the bathroom floor cause dad breaks the fucking door im sitting against down on top of me and starts screaming some more, until THIS whole family sits me down and tells me that theyve been preparing themselves for they day they wake up and find me in a pool of blood on the bathroom floor and will not be surprised, until the ONLY thing I go to school for every morning is that nice tightly packed bowl and the smoke that burns my throat to nothing, when I'm asking little groups of freshmen to crate a wall around me so I can smoke more pot at lunch, when I'm starving every single day just so I can afford more drugs, when I'm huffing cans of DUSTER because it makes my entire body numb, thought it could kill me in a split second if it wanted to...(i was playing russian roulette, but i couldnt feel it) ,when I'm goin over my relatives houses and aksing to use the bathroom and goign through their medicince cabinet to see if there's anything fun, WHEN IM THROWING UP FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT AND SEEING JELLYFISH IN THE TOILET THAT IM THROWING UP ON, WHEN I CANT MOVE BECAUSE THERE ARE SPIDERS ALL OVER EVERYTHING AND WEBS ALL AROUND MY BED, WHEN IM SCREAMING AND THROWING BOOKS ACROSS THE ROOM AT BUGS THAT ARENT EVEN REALLY THERE, WHEN IM OVERDOSED SO BAD THAT AFTER THROWING UP FOR 3 DAYS STRAIGHT I LOSE 8 or 9 POUNDS FROM NOT EATING......
....Until then, you can't say THIS is a bad path. This is the best path I've seen.
You know what, please please please, you're still gonna think I'm all fucked up, but please please please understand that this is good for ME and that I'm proud of this, and the reason that I ended up so bad for the most part was because so few people liked who I actually was and so I grew to HATE myself. And I wanted to run away from it.
If you want to hate me, whatever. That's you.
But if you're really my friends, don't make me hate myself again......if you really care, you can keep me from that by helping me stay happy with who I am and not making me feel like it's not worth liking....it's not worth being.
Thank you if you actually read all this.
I've never been so honest.
I just need my friends to be my friends and know what's good for me so they can be the friends I need them to be.
I didn't really want to add this cause it might sound kind of mean, but I guess this is where I find out who really is my friend and who isn't...