Unfulfilled destiny...
So China was freakin awesome...even though wo bu jiang pu tong hua and yao niu pai bu yao fan. wo yao pi jou...and a few other nasty things...haha. I ended up staying with friends that I met on the plane, and I stayed a total of 10 days, 6 more than I had planned. Just fucking awesome...the trip of my life.
And this trip has snapped me out of the depression I've been feeling ever since the start of the semester. I've been able to find a focus and not be so bummed about school and volleyball. Somehow I'm feeling very happy and content given that I've been up all night
And as far as volleyball is concerned...Ian will surely say, 'I told you so!'
We ended the season on a high note, especially for myself. We took second in a hard fought championship match that my coach had handed to them on a silver platter with his non-coaching and stupid decisions. Whatever, it was all expected. Imagine leaving your star player out in the 5th game only to realize that you need him when you're down 9-1. I've made comebacks before, but the gap was just too great. I never understood the guy, nor do I really care to. Just utter stupidity and incompetence as a coach. He was 'coaching' a much higher level than he's qualified for. I played spectacularly, and I went out there with the mentality that I was doing this for myself...I had in mind and had previously decided that it would be my last competitive match in a long while. And I did it...I overcame my passing insecurities and just played with heart. I played solidly, and that's all I really wanted. Winning woulda been extra. During the first game of five, my back was totally killing me, hindered my movement, and resulted in conservative play. I just gritted it and brought out the guns...it was the last time I'd be out there.
I kept saying that at the end of this weekend, I'd walk away from playing this sport competitively for a while. But what happened today just ended up fueling this fading drive to play that I have. I'm just content with what I've done the last couple years. I've defied every single person who has doubted me in my past and showed them that I can play at a national collegiate championship caliber level. I've become a much better player awed at by people. I've become a rare utility player, able to play and make an impact in three out of four positions on the court. Playing at the top of my game, unlike last year, is a good way to exit, but I just can't walk away from this sport no matter how many times I try. This sport is fucking awesome. Already I feel like hitting the gym and the training grounds this week to improve on my already awesome vertical of 36". I want 42" and I really won't stop till I hit it.
What is this drive I feel though? Toward what? There's no team for me to make or championships to win anymore...well, sorta. I just can't walk away because there's something missing...it's not a championship. It's almost like I've reached a new level in my game...mentally this time. And it's something I've been trying to come to terms with over the last 8 years. I've finally found it, and the curiosity to explore this new level fuels this drive I have. It's funny that I figure all this out when my body starts hurting...but no making excuses that I'm old...cuz I'm not. I haven't tapped my potential at all, although at one point I thought I had exhausted it.
I have made stupid mistakes in the past that I've regretted to this day. The biggest of them was the decision to march off the team before the national championships. That decision cost me a year of solid improvement and the chance to win a national title. Cal is favored to win this year. However, I would have never seen this side...playing for a sub-par squad just made me realize that I belonged in a better place.
What to do now...
It would be great to hit the grass/outdoor scene, and I'm excited to play with Nathan this summer. Nathan has just been a total inspiration this year...probably the youngest person I've ever looked up to (freshman in college). I'm toying with the idea of possibly vying for the starting setter position for the vars team next year...again. But I'll take things one step at a time and see where this drive takes me.
Inspiration...
Unfulfilled destiny...I won't stop till I get it right...
And this trip has snapped me out of the depression I've been feeling ever since the start of the semester. I've been able to find a focus and not be so bummed about school and volleyball. Somehow I'm feeling very happy and content given that I've been up all night
And as far as volleyball is concerned...Ian will surely say, 'I told you so!'
We ended the season on a high note, especially for myself. We took second in a hard fought championship match that my coach had handed to them on a silver platter with his non-coaching and stupid decisions. Whatever, it was all expected. Imagine leaving your star player out in the 5th game only to realize that you need him when you're down 9-1. I've made comebacks before, but the gap was just too great. I never understood the guy, nor do I really care to. Just utter stupidity and incompetence as a coach. He was 'coaching' a much higher level than he's qualified for. I played spectacularly, and I went out there with the mentality that I was doing this for myself...I had in mind and had previously decided that it would be my last competitive match in a long while. And I did it...I overcame my passing insecurities and just played with heart. I played solidly, and that's all I really wanted. Winning woulda been extra. During the first game of five, my back was totally killing me, hindered my movement, and resulted in conservative play. I just gritted it and brought out the guns...it was the last time I'd be out there.
I kept saying that at the end of this weekend, I'd walk away from playing this sport competitively for a while. But what happened today just ended up fueling this fading drive to play that I have. I'm just content with what I've done the last couple years. I've defied every single person who has doubted me in my past and showed them that I can play at a national collegiate championship caliber level. I've become a much better player awed at by people. I've become a rare utility player, able to play and make an impact in three out of four positions on the court. Playing at the top of my game, unlike last year, is a good way to exit, but I just can't walk away from this sport no matter how many times I try. This sport is fucking awesome. Already I feel like hitting the gym and the training grounds this week to improve on my already awesome vertical of 36". I want 42" and I really won't stop till I hit it.
What is this drive I feel though? Toward what? There's no team for me to make or championships to win anymore...well, sorta. I just can't walk away because there's something missing...it's not a championship. It's almost like I've reached a new level in my game...mentally this time. And it's something I've been trying to come to terms with over the last 8 years. I've finally found it, and the curiosity to explore this new level fuels this drive I have. It's funny that I figure all this out when my body starts hurting...but no making excuses that I'm old...cuz I'm not. I haven't tapped my potential at all, although at one point I thought I had exhausted it.
I have made stupid mistakes in the past that I've regretted to this day. The biggest of them was the decision to march off the team before the national championships. That decision cost me a year of solid improvement and the chance to win a national title. Cal is favored to win this year. However, I would have never seen this side...playing for a sub-par squad just made me realize that I belonged in a better place.
What to do now...
It would be great to hit the grass/outdoor scene, and I'm excited to play with Nathan this summer. Nathan has just been a total inspiration this year...probably the youngest person I've ever looked up to (freshman in college). I'm toying with the idea of possibly vying for the starting setter position for the vars team next year...again. But I'll take things one step at a time and see where this drive takes me.
Inspiration...
Unfulfilled destiny...I won't stop till I get it right...