Twittering Willy Wonka
Why the hell would a candyman make a lemon pie?
"It's payday". Charlie's such a grasping little bastard.
Charlie stops by the gates of the factory to ponder the chimney's phallic nature.
Who is this odd performance poet who accosts young boys in the street?
Mr Bucket buried under the floorboards.
Grandpa Joe is given food and shelter by a hard-working woman who can't afford it, and he bitches about the cold floor. Prick.
The Buckets would live better if Mrs Bucket didn't blow all her wages on Charlie's exclusive private schooling.
This doesn't seem like the most useful science lesson ever taught.
1971: a vintage year for hideously ugly children.
In the 1970s, Germany's first language was English.
Augustus, how does it make you feel to have put on so much weight since playing Friedrich in Sound of Music?
He's not only good at eating, Augustus, he's good at off-the-cuff alliteration.
A scarf? You gave me a frigging scarf for my birthday you horrible old skeletons?
"I did the end bits with the little tassels". No one gives a fuck, Josephine, the scarf is shit.
Veruca and her dad MAKE this movie.
"You've got more, Charlie, because you want it more" - Joe displays a senile grasp of statistics.
Tim Burton's version is so much better...it's only nostalgia holding this creaking mass of twonk up these days. Awesome twonk, though.
Tim Brooke-Taylor makes a bid for Hollywood glory. Nothing more is heard.
Why would it sound unbelievable that someone can find a golden ticket in America?
Was America in 1971 a sort of sparsely-populated, chocolate-free Albania-analogue? "Wow, kid eating chocolate in AMERICA? Unbelievable!
"I know it won't be you, Charlie - you're a dick for ever thinking you'd win".
Charlie's acting like it's his mother's fault he's not going to win - ungrateful little fuck.
Bullshit you want it more Charlie. So freaking self-centred.
Stop singing Mrs Bucket - there's laundry to be stirred!
If Charlie's grin has always been her sunshine, no wonder she looks so depressed.
Why is it just his mother and Grandpa Joe who'll make his troubles go away? He's got three other grandparents, who msut feel like crap now.
They don't pay you to sing.
Also, he can't hear you, Mrs Bucket - your inspirational message is completely wasted because he's GONE.
Cheer up Charlie - put the hellish circumstances of your life out of your mind.
"Be glad you're you". Fucking hell, way to rub it in.
The Arizona reporter is holding his microphone to the side of his face.
Willy Wonka's searing commentary on US gun culture was the main inspiration for Bowling or Columbine.
This midnight chocolate scene is set up beautifully for some child sodomy. Director's cut.
So did the kidnappers kill Harold or what?
Grandpa Joe has great belief in Charlie, believing he has no hope in life without winning an insanely unlikely confectioner's lottery.
Madeleine Durkin you greedy fat pig. 100?
150? These kids are FOUL.
Is it just me or does this movie take place in a parallel universe where everyone on earth is into chocolate to an incredible extent?
Charlie found some money! Will he use it to help his family? Hahaha, you don't know our Charlie!
Why even bother selling Slugworth's chocolates? Clearly nobody in the world wants them.
What does WWATCF teach us? That South Americans LIE!
He found the Golden Ticket? Thank Christ, the last half-hour now has a point.
Bit of a shock though, after they spent all that time establishing how unlikely it was. I didn't see it coming.
The Everlasting Gobstopper: Wonka's brilliant business plan to make tiny bits of candy that people only buy one of for their entire life.
Slugworth only took up chocolate-making after his quest to get hold of the Ark of the Covenant for Hitler fell through.
Not that it really IS Slugworth of course. OOPS SPOILER!
Well, someone's got to pull your legs, Joe, get you out of bed you lazy twat.
Hey, guess what, he hasn't got up for 20 years, but suddenly he gets to go to a chocolate factory and he's Fred fucking Astaire.
No, you DON'T have a Golden Ticket, Grandpa. It's Charlie's, thieving old arsewit.
"but it can be done" - Charlie and Joe try to create the impression that it was their can-do attitude that made this random chance possible.
Did Willy Wonka pay their airfares?
Charlie: "We did it". Oh well done, Charlie, you managed the short walk to the factory, huge effort that.
They all know there's no room to move, why are they pointlessly shuffling around each other?
Why, this chocolate factory is some kind of crazy funhouse!
"He's getting bigger" - yeah, Mrs Teavee, he's getting bigger. Turn your freaking brain on, dickwit.
The Chocolate Room seems to have a lot of superfluous stuff in it.
It's a room, essentially, specially designed for a visit by contest-winners - a bit suspicious, no?
"this way Grandpa" - he is an autonomous human being, Charlie, he can go his own way!
It's a world of pure imagination...yeah, but essentially it's a bunch of lollies, yeah?
I mean, there's more to life than candy...I'm not sure that endless sweets constitutes paradise per se...
Actually, the river looks more like blood.
"That's chocolate!" Charlie just got a boner.
I think Mr Salt suspects that Wonka has designs on his sweet pink flesh.
Sorry Violet, Veruca wins the battle of awesome.
Mainly because Violet is crap.
Few people realise that Mrs Gloop was played by Oliver Reed.
Recipe for Oompa Loompas: take a few hundred Mexican immigrants, then slip your contest-winners huge amounts of LSD.
The Wonkatania; a foul betrayal of Roald Dahl's vision. Just like when Michael Bay turned The BFG into Pearl Harbor.
And when Fantastic Mr Fox was adapted into Monster's Ball.
The guests board the boat, and Wonka launches his plan to induce suicidal thoughts in them.
Oh yes, Grandpa, of course you and Charlie think it's fun! Because all those uptight squares don't appreciate a good clean drug haze.
The thing is, it IS a kid's movie, that happens to contain a scene where a bipolar serial killer threatens a bunch of kids on a boat.
Veruca doesn't want a boat like this - but if she thought about it, she'd realise it's actually the tunnel, not the boat.
Put the Wonkatania on the Hawkesbury, it'd probably be very relaxing.
Assuming you got a human crew to replace the hideously chemically-scarred space midgets.
Charlie just said "Slugworth" in a really loud voice. Shouldn't Wonka now become suspicious?
So, this scene is where we discover that Willy Wonka's real business is moonshine.
Please, someone point out what a stupid idea the Everlasting Gobstopper is.