Performed at 9/11 Slam
If I were a terrorist
I'd be the nice kind
The kind that realises that sure, you're flying a plane into a skyscraper
But that's no reason to be pushy
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
Rather than hijacking the plane, why not try asking nicely?
You'd be surprised how helpful people can be when you're polite
Instead of threatening the pilot with a boxcutter, how about offering him a backrub?
The nice kind of terrorist
The kind who forces his women to cover themselves head to toe in the traditional burqa
But who encourages them to spruce it up with a nice brooch or some wacky stickers
The nice kind of terrorist
The kind who doesn't walk into a Jerusalem cafe and detonate his vest
But who sits down and buys everyone pastries
Because a well-fed Israeli
Is an obliging Israeli
Instead of firing home-made rockets over the border
Why not try a nice muffin basket?
With a note:
"Dear Neighbour/Please stop building your settlements/Love, Palestine"
It's like my own situation at home
I had a next-door neighbour who constantly played his music very loud
But I didn't get violent and blow his house up
I went over there and made friends, said, "Hey, let's talk and reach a compromise on this noise pollution issue"
Of course, in the end we couldn't and I was forced to decapitate him live on the internet
But the point is, I tried
That's what I want all terrorists to do, TRY
Because sure, you're fighting the infidels who want to crush your people and wipe your religious culture from the earth
But there's no call for rudeness
So remember, you can't spell "Jihad" without "H"
Think about it
I'd be the nice kind
The kind that realises that sure, you're flying a plane into a skyscraper
But that's no reason to be pushy
You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar
Rather than hijacking the plane, why not try asking nicely?
You'd be surprised how helpful people can be when you're polite
Instead of threatening the pilot with a boxcutter, how about offering him a backrub?
The nice kind of terrorist
The kind who forces his women to cover themselves head to toe in the traditional burqa
But who encourages them to spruce it up with a nice brooch or some wacky stickers
The nice kind of terrorist
The kind who doesn't walk into a Jerusalem cafe and detonate his vest
But who sits down and buys everyone pastries
Because a well-fed Israeli
Is an obliging Israeli
Instead of firing home-made rockets over the border
Why not try a nice muffin basket?
With a note:
"Dear Neighbour/Please stop building your settlements/Love, Palestine"
It's like my own situation at home
I had a next-door neighbour who constantly played his music very loud
But I didn't get violent and blow his house up
I went over there and made friends, said, "Hey, let's talk and reach a compromise on this noise pollution issue"
Of course, in the end we couldn't and I was forced to decapitate him live on the internet
But the point is, I tried
That's what I want all terrorists to do, TRY
Because sure, you're fighting the infidels who want to crush your people and wipe your religious culture from the earth
But there's no call for rudeness
So remember, you can't spell "Jihad" without "H"
Think about it