(no subject)
I'm updating my journal because my horoscope on Wednesday (my birthday) said that I should. I also have a lot of things on my mind that I can't really bring to share with the person that I want to share them with. That's a really congested sentence, I know.
I keep trying to backpedal in my mind so that I'm not so engrossed in what I've been caught up in lately. It doesn't seem to be working at all. It just makes me want to be swallowed whole by it even more. That's kind of pathetic and I know it. It makes me really upset having that train of thought. I'm being super cryptic because I know that of the people that follow my journal probably only one or two actually read any of my entries, so I am allowed to be cryptic when I'm writing to myself.
I've been really stressed lately. I found a few gray hairs when I was combing my hair the other day and that didn't help the situation at all. I look at the way my father looks with his gray and its not graceful or refined or any of the ways that I envisioned myself graying. He ended up just going with a bald look because he didn't like the way his hair grayed.
Anyway, stress, I don't like it one bit. Its been one year five months since I got laid and its weighing on my mind. I'm working out three days a week but not losing any weight. I'm curtailing my eating habits and minimizing what I drink from mostly soda to mostly water. Still not losing weight. My depression is just about worse than ever. I rarely get a day where I don't have about 20 minutes that I spend fighting back the urge to cry. The only friends that I have don't really view me as such and so I have absolutely no reciprocating relationships. If I was trying to cheer myself up by typing this out, I think I failed.
I would say blame me for all of this, the only thing that has been common in all the misery in my life is me. But I've been a different person for the last two years than I was when I was with the wayne group and the same shit is still happening. It could be that I'm just determined (in a philosophical sense) and can't have anything but non-reciprocative relationships. That would explain some things. But there I go looking for an easy answer. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?
Participating in National Novel Writing Month this year. I'm behind by a day or so, I'm at around 6000 words when I should be doing 1667 words a day, and as today is the 5th, I should be at 8335. I've got a lot of writing cut out for me today if I want to make it to the deadline. It kind of sucks though because I don't like the idea that I have anymore.
Every day I just can't help but thinking that I don't want to do this anymore. I keep wondering how many people give a damn? How many of my "facebook friends" actually send me updates to their phones? You don't really give a damn about someone unless you're sending their updates to your phone. Funny thing? All the people I used to hang out with I have their updates sent to my phone. The people that don't give a fuck about me. I still give a fuck about them. Fuck, this is a terrible entry. Cutting it short before I start actually crying.
I keep trying to backpedal in my mind so that I'm not so engrossed in what I've been caught up in lately. It doesn't seem to be working at all. It just makes me want to be swallowed whole by it even more. That's kind of pathetic and I know it. It makes me really upset having that train of thought. I'm being super cryptic because I know that of the people that follow my journal probably only one or two actually read any of my entries, so I am allowed to be cryptic when I'm writing to myself.
I've been really stressed lately. I found a few gray hairs when I was combing my hair the other day and that didn't help the situation at all. I look at the way my father looks with his gray and its not graceful or refined or any of the ways that I envisioned myself graying. He ended up just going with a bald look because he didn't like the way his hair grayed.
Anyway, stress, I don't like it one bit. Its been one year five months since I got laid and its weighing on my mind. I'm working out three days a week but not losing any weight. I'm curtailing my eating habits and minimizing what I drink from mostly soda to mostly water. Still not losing weight. My depression is just about worse than ever. I rarely get a day where I don't have about 20 minutes that I spend fighting back the urge to cry. The only friends that I have don't really view me as such and so I have absolutely no reciprocating relationships. If I was trying to cheer myself up by typing this out, I think I failed.
I would say blame me for all of this, the only thing that has been common in all the misery in my life is me. But I've been a different person for the last two years than I was when I was with the wayne group and the same shit is still happening. It could be that I'm just determined (in a philosophical sense) and can't have anything but non-reciprocative relationships. That would explain some things. But there I go looking for an easy answer. I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?
Participating in National Novel Writing Month this year. I'm behind by a day or so, I'm at around 6000 words when I should be doing 1667 words a day, and as today is the 5th, I should be at 8335. I've got a lot of writing cut out for me today if I want to make it to the deadline. It kind of sucks though because I don't like the idea that I have anymore.
Every day I just can't help but thinking that I don't want to do this anymore. I keep wondering how many people give a damn? How many of my "facebook friends" actually send me updates to their phones? You don't really give a damn about someone unless you're sending their updates to your phone. Funny thing? All the people I used to hang out with I have their updates sent to my phone. The people that don't give a fuck about me. I still give a fuck about them. Fuck, this is a terrible entry. Cutting it short before I start actually crying.