repetitionrepetitionrepetition

[mrangerroy]

I feel like Im in a cycle of awful things happening. it just keeps circling around. I should know when the cycle is about to start, because it usually begins with something good. something out of the ordinary. something I would normally never believe, but this time.. just maybe this time.. and then it immediately turns into that which I swore to protect myself against. but my defenses are down. they can cut through them quickly. every time it feels like I never had a chance, and never saw it coming.. yet when its all said and done, I look back and say "hey dipshit, you knew this would happen". am I really so gullible? or do I really just miss the company so much I let myself take these chances. somehow it gets turned around, Im the bad guy. Im the one who started it all with malicious intent, planning to ruin all those who oppose me.. yet, we know that its never the case. Im misinterpreted. Im forced to fight. to argue. Im not very good at it. I do my best to avoid it because of the fights and arguments Ive been through and the outcomes of those. I dont want to relive it. yet, I get forced too. because I was the target, I was the one singled out. someone once told me I fall too easily. that was a long, long time ago. and since then Ive been forced to take a different approach. more like just set up extreme levels of defenses to avoid this type of thing. unfortunately it works well. too well. sometimes theres a breach. I dunno where Im going. I had a weird conversation with someone earlier apologizing for basically turning me into what I am. I dont see the need for forgive her, not because Im so jaded, but because its just in the past now and I forget how different I am because of it. this new... issue.. felt really similar in a lot of ways. and I think the whirlwind finally completing to envelop me has caused me to see it this way. Ive already taken a step back. looked at what has happened, and thought about what will happen. this wasnt the outcome I intended. I was lied too. tricked. again. and in the beginning with my defenses so low, I fought back. once I composed myself, I did what I could to neutralize things. Im not the best peace-maker, it turns out. I dont think it matters anymore anyway. the attack was accomplished flawlessly. my defenses fell but I managed to stay up. unfortunately this has all cost me more than anyone else. Im out a couple friends and probably going to get a nice big "shitbag" label from the people who dont know what happened. dont worry, kids. I'll never tell. but you, lj. I tell you everything. because you're sometimes the only one I can really talk too. just sucks Im not very articulate when speaking. only when Im writing to an anonymous white and blue screen with an incredibly low chance of anyone reading it, can I actually try to express myself.

thanks for listening, livejournal.. just wish I had something good to tell you, for once. not just another tale of my failure.