worst.
im in a terrible mood lately. Im feeling very despondent.. incredibly removed from everything and everyone.. it really only occured over the last 2 nights. Im stuck at work, not that it bothers me much.. Im sitting in towers just kind of.. waiting..
mostly I think its due to girls. lame.. so 2002.. act your old age.. Im pretty well fortified with walls, you know that though, lj. you've been here while Ive built them up. Ive managed to let very few people get past any of those walls to keep myself from ever going through what Ive been through before.. again.. bad sentence structure.. asshole.. anyway. I managed to talk to someone new and it was fun. laughing, joking, dorking around. etc. and I almost thought, "holy shit, someone might actually like me for who I am?". of course that immediately afterwards set off alarms. all I ever do is alarm response, these days. at work, and in my mind.. I know, in retrospect, that even the thought of anything coming from two people just being nice and friendly towards each other is absurd. for some reason I overlooked the fact that, well. Im tough to deal with. and theres the whole.. they could have anyone far better than me, so why settle? so being myself. and being a dipshit, I pretty much ran. why ruin a potential friendship because I know I'd never be anything but.. wait, its how I am these days.. you know, lj.. I thought at my old age Id have figured myself out a little better.. or perhaps at least gotten over the last few years.. but the scars are still there.. and the fear of it happening again.. I know Im not exactly the most spectacular person these days.. attitude or looks.. but I did get to feel like myself.. even a little.. oh well.. enough about that.. its not like you had a chance, old man.. your getting slow.. your forgetting who you pretend to be.. act your old age..
also I missed out on my friends wedding. Ive known him since second (or so) grade. all my friends were there and I got to read via fb and twitter about how amazing it was. Im not the biggest fan of weddings/love/etc.. but its a friend and an important day in his life.
so I can mix these two things together, and out comes alex circa 2002. actually, 2002 was a good year.. lets call it 2004.
fortunately I can bitch and moan and mope and be fucking pathetic here, with you lj. because no one comes here anymore. livejournal was killed by myspace was killed by facebook.. its a rediculous cycle. but I still come here, I tell you things, livejournal, to remind myself who I was, or to realize who Im becoming. I guess thats the point of a journal. chronicle yourself, so you can reflect.
im not very good at it. but hey, who is?
thanks for being there, livejournal. who else will listen to me bitch and complain about how Ive fucked up another "chance" with a girl? or about a missed event or how I stubbed my toe, or how my gun-belt just wont hang right and its making my balls hurt.. or that I couldnt sleep, because there was too much on my mind.. or how Im wearing different socks.. this nonsense is why I keep coming back. it probably wont help me get over anything. but I least I got it out..
I think Im 19 again.. Im gonna go listen to Sparta/movielife/getupkids now..
mostly I think its due to girls. lame.. so 2002.. act your old age.. Im pretty well fortified with walls, you know that though, lj. you've been here while Ive built them up. Ive managed to let very few people get past any of those walls to keep myself from ever going through what Ive been through before.. again.. bad sentence structure.. asshole.. anyway. I managed to talk to someone new and it was fun. laughing, joking, dorking around. etc. and I almost thought, "holy shit, someone might actually like me for who I am?". of course that immediately afterwards set off alarms. all I ever do is alarm response, these days. at work, and in my mind.. I know, in retrospect, that even the thought of anything coming from two people just being nice and friendly towards each other is absurd. for some reason I overlooked the fact that, well. Im tough to deal with. and theres the whole.. they could have anyone far better than me, so why settle? so being myself. and being a dipshit, I pretty much ran. why ruin a potential friendship because I know I'd never be anything but.. wait, its how I am these days.. you know, lj.. I thought at my old age Id have figured myself out a little better.. or perhaps at least gotten over the last few years.. but the scars are still there.. and the fear of it happening again.. I know Im not exactly the most spectacular person these days.. attitude or looks.. but I did get to feel like myself.. even a little.. oh well.. enough about that.. its not like you had a chance, old man.. your getting slow.. your forgetting who you pretend to be.. act your old age..
also I missed out on my friends wedding. Ive known him since second (or so) grade. all my friends were there and I got to read via fb and twitter about how amazing it was. Im not the biggest fan of weddings/love/etc.. but its a friend and an important day in his life.
so I can mix these two things together, and out comes alex circa 2002. actually, 2002 was a good year.. lets call it 2004.
fortunately I can bitch and moan and mope and be fucking pathetic here, with you lj. because no one comes here anymore. livejournal was killed by myspace was killed by facebook.. its a rediculous cycle. but I still come here, I tell you things, livejournal, to remind myself who I was, or to realize who Im becoming. I guess thats the point of a journal. chronicle yourself, so you can reflect.
im not very good at it. but hey, who is?
thanks for being there, livejournal. who else will listen to me bitch and complain about how Ive fucked up another "chance" with a girl? or about a missed event or how I stubbed my toe, or how my gun-belt just wont hang right and its making my balls hurt.. or that I couldnt sleep, because there was too much on my mind.. or how Im wearing different socks.. this nonsense is why I keep coming back. it probably wont help me get over anything. but I least I got it out..
I think Im 19 again.. Im gonna go listen to Sparta/movielife/getupkids now..