'Quite as late'? This is on an entirely different level than 'quite as late'. This is up before me, half dressed, and drinking the devil's nectar all before I could open my eyes. This is almost a completely different version of Sam if he does that as much as it sounds like.
...Maybe not completely different, I'm remembering a few things that haven't changed. I would have been disappointed if they had.
"Sleep well?"
He's going to make this awkward. That question is a big indicator that whatever conversation we're going to have for the next few minutes is going to be forced and weird. In all honesty I'd like to ask him if he wants to get his clothes and get out, or stick around and have breakfast, but I don't think he'd react well to me asking him like that.
I would just like to know what's going on here, soon. The longer I wait to get the resolved, the more my mind is going to wander off to thoughts like "I wonder if assassins are allowed to have boyfriends".
"I think I must have." I finished up my orange juice and set it down on the table. "I don't even remember falling asleep." Looking over at Sam I noticed his expression, and smiled again. "I remember everything before falling asleep. It's the actual sleeping part that I seem to have forgotten."
There. I knew I'd have to clarify, and now I did, so he should tell me what's going on so that I don't take this too far.
When did Sam get so handsome? I know he was always good looking, when he was sixteen he was attractive and not many people seemed to notice. Two years after that, yeah he was pretty much full blown hot, but....
I used to be in love with Sam the boy, and now he's grown into this really amazing man who I don't think I know very well.
Sam has a six pack and I don't have any idea where he got it from. And if it's possible, I think his eyes have gotten even bluer. Handsomeness aside, I don't know where he lives, or what he's been up to all this time.
What I have learned is that he's single, a photographer, and stronger than he used to be.
That's not much information. Not at all.
Sam thinks I'm making this awkward, doesn't he? I can't help it I'm busy thinking about all the things he hasn't told me, I'm curious.
And yeah yeah, it killed the cat. I learned that in training.
Besides, I can't just randomly ask him questions now.
Like 'So, do you like me? Or were you too drunk to know what you were doing last night?', because that would sound rude.
Screw it.
"So, do you like me? Or were you too drunk to know what you were doing last night?"
"I think I must have. I don't even remember falling asleep."
...
This is freakin' impossible. I just can't read her. And I'm starting to think it might be intelligent if I left. Wait... that's a smile. A seemingly genuine smile. And she's not screaming yet. I think I'm set.
"I remember everything before falling asleep. It's the actual sleeping part that I seem to have forgotten."
Is it bad that for three seconds, I technically didn't remember before? No, it's not. Because originally I was forgetting because of the hangover. I hate hangovers.
"So, do you like me? Or were you too drunk to know what you were doing last night?"
Thank you for doing that when I'm drinking something, Carly.
I almost choked on my coffee, but just managed to catch myself, and coughed once to try and get it out of my system. God damn too strong crap... why'd I take it black again? Probably to wake me up.
Well, I'm awake now. I swear it.
She's still smiling, so I'm hoping this signifies a safe question. I figure I'll just answer it outright, and not make too big a deal like she's expecting me to. "I like you."
And what does she mean 'too drunk'? I would never be too drunk to know what I'm doing. Not in that area. "And I wasn't that drunk."
That's better. I think. At least now I know that Sam wasn't just looking to drink a lot and have sex. He wanted to have sex with me, and possibly with that shiny blue girl, but mostly me. Probably.
Nothing is going to come out of this anyway, but I'd like us to both walk away feeling good, instead of obsessing over unanswered questions. Sam lives somewhere that isn't Los Angeles, and I'm still there. Like me or not, we can't have a relationship, as nice as one would be.
Why am I doing this to myself? I'm not like other women. I have places to go, people to kill, and I'm getting stupid over Sam. Assassins don't have boyfriends, not ones that live miles away, not ones that live in the next apartment over.
Kaci tried that, he found out about her job, dumped her, and she shot him.
"And I wasn't that drunk."
"You were pretty drunk." I laughed, remembering how we wandered around at the parade. "I was too."
Come on, why can't I get a better reaction than that? I wouldn't mind it. She couldn't look happier and less... I don't know... less of whatever she is now? Not that she doesn't look happy, it just sort of looks reassured. I think.
I don't know what sort of reaction I was expecting, but that wasn't one of them.
"You were pretty drunk. I was too."
"I wasn't..." Yeah, sure I wasn't. "Okay, fine. We were both drunk." Does that mean she didn't know what she was doing, and just didn't care? Crap, why do I care about that? It doesn't make a difference. This was a one time thing. Closure. Right? Right.
Only it doesn't feel like closure.
"Did you know what you were doing?"
I did. I distinctly remember that. Even though it took me a second to remember after I woke up, I know that I knew what I was doing last night. And I'd like to think she did too, but I'm not gonna delude myself. If she didn't, or just doesn't care about it, then I think I'm just going to leave. No point in hanging around if it doesn't matter.
... I think that's what I told myself last time I left too.
Of course we were. If we hadn't been hammered it would have taken us a lot longer shut up and have sex. At least, I think it would have. I know I didn't plan on bringing him back up here when I first saw him. Not that I wasn't happy to see him, I was.
In my own way.
I knew that things would get messy if I got carried away and said things that didn't need to be said, so I didn't plan on saying them. When I told him I missed kissing him, it was the truth. But I missed him in general too, and I wouldn't have told him anything about missing him at all if I hadn't had alcohol there to help me up the honesty factor.
We were definitely both pretty gone.
"Did you know what you were doing?"
He thinks I didn't? Or Sam he only asking me this because I asked him and now I'm supposed to say that I like him too?
This is too hard. My head hurts too much for me to overthink it, but Sam doesn't look very happy right now. He just looks confused. It's my fault too, it has to be. He didn't look confused when I woke up.
"I don't think I would have been as...." Slutty. "Free, if I hadn't been drunk." Meaning I wouldn't have walked around the city half naked. What a waste of perfectly good clothes.
"I wanted to be with you, although I think it's a good thing I had a little too much vodka last night. If I'd have stayed sober, I would have been afraid to let anything happen, you know?"
Too much. Too much.
"I know that what happened last night was it for us, but I'm still glad that it happened. I don't regret it, never would."
Does that answer the question? At all? I think I answered an entirely different question instead of the one he asked, and told him a lot more than I needed to without actually getting anywhere.
"I don't think I would have been as.... Free, if I hadn't been drunk."
Was I supposed to mind that part? If so, I missed that boat entirely.
"I wanted to be with you, although I think it's a good thing I had a little too much vodka last night. If I'd have stayed sober, I would have been afraid to let anything happen, you know?"
So she wanted to. Which is kinda great, when you think about it. At least I wasn't the only one who did. "Yeah. I know what you mean."
"I know that what happened last night was it for us, but I'm still glad that it happened. I don't regret it, never would."
Guess I'm leaving eventually after all. "One time thing." I nodded, trying to make it sound like I believed that. As long as she does, I do. I think. Or I will, just to keep from looking too stupid.
"So yeah, I did."
"Okay." I nodded again, and pushed off from leaning against the wall. "That's all I needed to know." Only it really wasn't, and I'm not sure how that one sounded. I finished off the rest of my coffee, and put it down on the nearest table.
I should get my shirt now, but she's looking. And if I get my shirt, I have to get my gun. There won't be any other openings to do it. But the only other thing I can think of to prolong conversation until she decides to take a shower or something, I don't really want to say.
Crap.
I hate being without options. Means I have to improvise. And normally I can alright enough, but not in these types of cases where it has to go one way or the other. So it looks like I'm going to have to say it anyway.
Screw it, the worst that could happen is it goes badly, I move on, and I never see her again. It'll give me the closure thing I was thinking about before.
Yeah, right.
"Did this really feel like one time to you?"
She'll probably answer that with a 'did it feel like it to you?', and then, then I'm definitely gonna get annoyed and go for my shirt and my gun anyway. But I'll risk it, since I sort of have to.
No, Sam. That was a lot more than you ever needed to know. Thanks for the whole lot of nothing you gave me to go on that time.
He could have stopped me. I generally don't share that much all at once. I'm supposed to be difficult. We're not seeing each other, so I have a right to be even more difficult than I ever was before. I didn't owe him the big long feelings explanation that I just gave him.
And apparently it's all that he needed to know. How nice of him to contribute to our stupid morning after talk.
Jerk.
"Did this really feel like one time to you?"
Confusing jerk. Is this a trick question?
Haven't I stroked his ego enough? I mean, I told him how I felt. I went above and beyond to make sure that Sam knew what I was thinking. I shouldn't have to answer this. He left me.
And this has to be a one time thing. I don't do long distance relationships. I also am not the greatest at normal relationships, my work tends to get in the way.
It's better than them getting in the way of the work. That would involve gunfire.
"No. But I was with you. You never feel like a one time anything to me."
"No. But I was with you. You never feel like a one time anything to me."
I guess things have changed. Usually we'd be table turning for thirty freakin' minutes until I caved and said whatever the hell I was feeling at the time. I sort of like this. Especially the look on her face.
"Good. At least it wasn't just me."
Yeah, this isn't amusing at all.
"Look, maybe this doesn't have to end." I'm going out on a limb here. Hell, I'm getting ready to jump off a freakin' bridge. I have been since I woke up, and I know it. But my headache isn't as bad now, so it's getting easier to deal with.
"I know we're doing different crap right now, but that doesn't mean we have to never see each other again." Okay, let's see how you take that one Car. I can leave at anytime here, you just have to be looking away long enough for me to grab my gun.
So until then, we'll play this, and see what you want. Because as much as I thought the closure thing would work a minute ago, I'm thinking about how I'm going to walk away from this and not feel the same way I did before. And move on like it was no big deal.
When it was a big deal, at least to me. And obviously it was to her, enough to get that much out of her.
So we'll see where this goes. I think I can wait it out until it gets too heavy.
It was him? Sam feels the same way I did? That feels just a little too good for me right now. He's supposed to set me straight and tell me that it can never happen again because our lives are already moving in two different directions.
Why is Sam encouraging me? Does he want a--no. He can't He wouldn't have left if he did. And if he changed his mind he would have come back.
Obviously he's just playing me.
Wait, Sam can't be playing me. He doesn't know how.
"Look, maybe this doesn't have to end."
Did I say that? No. Sam said that. Why did Sam say that? Why didn't he go back to the talk about how he knows this was a one time thing? I liked that talk. It made sense. And it would put a stop to all of the thoughts that are running through my head right now.
Why is he doing this to me?
"I know we're doing different crap right now, but that doesn't mean we have to never see each other again."
"Sam...you're making this difficult."
I'm supposed to be able to pack up my weapons and check out of here peacefully. Now if I tell him I can't see him, I'm going to feel like I missed my chance. If I tell him yes I'm going to start obsessing about how to manage it all.
Either way I'm really screwed here.
"It's not that I don't want to, but I work a lot. I don't know if I could handle a relationship on top of everything else."
I probably couldn't. Especially since I happen to love the guy I'd be involved with.
Wait does he want a relationship? Or just a standing invitation whenever he's in LA?
This is too hard.
"Unless that isn't what you meant."
It's hard to picture Sam just being in it for the sex, but you never know.
Yeah, I know, but you're not exactly making it easier just by sitting there, now are you Car? Say something one way or the other, I don't care.
... Alright, yeah, I do care. But that's not the point. Give me enough to go on, and I'll gladly shut the hell up. Until then, deal with what I'm saying.
"It's not that I don't want to, but I work a lot. I don't know if I could handle a relationship on top of everything else."
I work a lot too, so what?
Alright, yeah, jobs are different. And mine's a little harder than advertising. But she doesn't know that. And if I'm willing to go with it despite what my job is, she should be willing too.
"Unless that isn't what you meant."
"That is what I meant Car." I shrugged. "If you don't want to, that's fine with me." Yeah, sure it is. "But I figured I'd throw the option out, because I really don't like the idea of just walking away without trying." Already did it once, didn't I.
"If you want to think about it, I can always give you a number or something. It's up to you."
"That is what I meant Car. If you don't want to, that's fine with me. But I figured I'd throw the option out, because I really don't like the idea of just walking away without trying."
He liked the idea enough before. Left me for a trip to Europe and never cared enough to write. And I know writing was never part of the agreement because we broke up, but it would have helped. I never really knew if he was okay or not. Madsen dropped off the face of the earth too, I didn't have anyone to ask.
Now I know he's fine. And he wants try.
This isn't fair.
"If you want to think about it, I can always give you a number or something. It's up to you."
He could also tell me what country he's living in. That would help a little. I don't exactly know what I'm getting myself into right now. For all I know he takes pictures of porn or does the cover images for Girls Gone Wild European Vacation.
...Sam doesn't know what he's getting himself into either, but that's not the point. I'm the one being cornered here.
Why did he say 'a' number? Shouldn't he have offered to give me his?
I should start getting dressed, or get out of bed, or...something.
"Yeah, you could do that."
This is so stupid. If he's willing to try I should be too.
"I want to see you again. I just don't know how we're going to be able to work it out now with even busier lives if we couldn't before."
Well, at least she's willing to think about it. Small win in my favor. I can't wait to hear what Madsen thinks about all this, since I know somehow I'm going to end up telling him. And I'd get a real kick to see the look on Carly's face if she found out what we're both doing now.
After all, who thought all Madsen's crap with explosives back in school would ever actually amount to anything?
And me... well... yeah. I don't think anyone ever thought the guy who could never fight would end up killing for a living. At least I'm freakin' good at it.
"I want to see you again. I just don't know how we're going to be able to work it out now with even busier lives if we couldn't before."
"I'm willing to work around it, if you are, okay?" And since I've got it worse than you do in that area, I'd really really like it if you'd stop freakin' arguing already.
I found a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote down my number. "That's my cell. No matter where I am, I've always got it on me." I looked back at her. "Call me when you decide, okay? I promise, no matter where I am, I'll get to where you are."
That wouldn't be as much of an issue as it actually sounds, it'd probably just take some serious lying. And I'm not too bad at that either.
"I should probably go..." She hasn't moved yet. God damn it. I bent down to reach for my shirt, and grinned to her a little. "I sort of need you to move." Her legs were kind of in the way.
"I'm willing to work around it, if you are, okay?"
He's serious about this. I don't know whether I should be happy or...something else. Something a little more concerned. One great night in another country doesn't have anything to do with my life. In a few hours everything will go back to normal for me. I'll be Samless and super secret assassined up. And I'm not okay with that, really I'm not, but I don't have a lot of choices.
Then again if he says he's willing to work with it...I could give this a chance. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. We're both going to be busy. He can't complain that I'm never around if he isn't either. And he's different now. Not bad different, just older. More mature and less....I don't know I can just tell there's growth.
Maybe he regrets walking away. I mean, I don't want Sam to regret going off on his own and being his own man, but it would be nice if he wasn't thrilled that he ditched me. I missed him a lot.
All the more reason to give this a chance, right?
"That's my cell. No matter where I am, I've always got it on me. Call me when you decide, okay? I promise, no matter where I am, I'll get to where you are."
Okay, I want him now.
When did he get so cute? I know the handsome came with age, and he was always really hot, but this whole talking cute wanting to try and promising to get to me thing? Could anyone ever say not to it?
I can't.
"I should probably go...I sort of need you to move.
He's going to leave. And then I'm going to let logic set in, and I'll never see him again. This will only be a one time thing. I will be Samless and super secret assassined up, and I'll hate it because I could have had him.
"Right. Sorry."
I climbed back up on the bed so that I wouldn't be in his way anymore and tried not to look too pouty. I hate this. I really hate this.
"So...take care."
Should I kiss him? I don't know if I'm calling him or not, but I think I should kiss him. It would be the right thing to do or...something.
"Sam."
What the hell am I doing?
Oh god. I know what I'm doing, I just wish I knew why. And I'm fully aware that I should not be doing it. At all, let alone now while he's about to head out. I should let him go.
'Quite as late'? This is on an entirely different level than 'quite as late'. This is up before me, half dressed, and drinking the devil's nectar all before I could open my eyes. This is almost a completely different version of Sam if he does that as much as it sounds like.
...Maybe not completely different, I'm remembering a few things that haven't changed. I would have been disappointed if they had.
"Sleep well?"
He's going to make this awkward. That question is a big indicator that whatever conversation we're going to have for the next few minutes is going to be forced and weird. In all honesty I'd like to ask him if he wants to get his clothes and get out, or stick around and have breakfast, but I don't think he'd react well to me asking him like that.
I would just like to know what's going on here, soon. The longer I wait to get the resolved, the more my mind is going to wander off to thoughts like "I wonder if assassins are allowed to have boyfriends".
"I think I must have." I finished up my orange juice and set it down on the table. "I don't even remember falling asleep." Looking over at Sam I noticed his expression, and smiled again. "I remember everything before falling asleep. It's the actual sleeping part that I seem to have forgotten."
There. I knew I'd have to clarify, and now I did, so he should tell me what's going on so that I don't take this too far.
When did Sam get so handsome? I know he was always good looking, when he was sixteen he was attractive and not many people seemed to notice. Two years after that, yeah he was pretty much full blown hot, but....
I used to be in love with Sam the boy, and now he's grown into this really amazing man who I don't think I know very well.
Sam has a six pack and I don't have any idea where he got it from. And if it's possible, I think his eyes have gotten even bluer. Handsomeness aside, I don't know where he lives, or what he's been up to all this time.
What I have learned is that he's single, a photographer, and stronger than he used to be.
That's not much information. Not at all.
Sam thinks I'm making this awkward, doesn't he? I can't help it I'm busy thinking about all the things he hasn't told me, I'm curious.
And yeah yeah, it killed the cat. I learned that in training.
Besides, I can't just randomly ask him questions now.
Like 'So, do you like me? Or were you too drunk to know what you were doing last night?', because that would sound rude.
Screw it.
"So, do you like me? Or were you too drunk to know what you were doing last night?"
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...
This is freakin' impossible. I just can't read her. And I'm starting to think it might be intelligent if I left. Wait... that's a smile. A seemingly genuine smile. And she's not screaming yet. I think I'm set.
"I remember everything before falling asleep. It's the actual sleeping part that I seem to have forgotten."
Is it bad that for three seconds, I technically didn't remember before? No, it's not. Because originally I was forgetting because of the hangover. I hate hangovers.
"So, do you like me? Or were you too drunk to know what you were doing last night?"
Thank you for doing that when I'm drinking something, Carly.
I almost choked on my coffee, but just managed to catch myself, and coughed once to try and get it out of my system. God damn too strong crap... why'd I take it black again? Probably to wake me up.
Well, I'm awake now. I swear it.
She's still smiling, so I'm hoping this signifies a safe question. I figure I'll just answer it outright, and not make too big a deal like she's expecting me to. "I like you."
And what does she mean 'too drunk'? I would never be too drunk to know what I'm doing. Not in that area. "And I wasn't that drunk."
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"Good."
That's better. I think. At least now I know that Sam wasn't just looking to drink a lot and have sex. He wanted to have sex with me, and possibly with that shiny blue girl, but mostly me. Probably.
Nothing is going to come out of this anyway, but I'd like us to both walk away feeling good, instead of obsessing over unanswered questions. Sam lives somewhere that isn't Los Angeles, and I'm still there. Like me or not, we can't have a relationship, as nice as one would be.
Why am I doing this to myself? I'm not like other women. I have places to go, people to kill, and I'm getting stupid over Sam. Assassins don't have boyfriends, not ones that live miles away, not ones that live in the next apartment over.
Kaci tried that, he found out about her job, dumped her, and she shot him.
"And I wasn't that drunk."
"You were pretty drunk." I laughed, remembering how we wandered around at the parade. "I was too."
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Just good?
Come on, why can't I get a better reaction than that? I wouldn't mind it. She couldn't look happier and less... I don't know... less of whatever she is now? Not that she doesn't look happy, it just sort of looks reassured. I think.
I don't know what sort of reaction I was expecting, but that wasn't one of them.
"You were pretty drunk. I was too."
"I wasn't..." Yeah, sure I wasn't. "Okay, fine. We were both drunk." Does that mean she didn't know what she was doing, and just didn't care? Crap, why do I care about that? It doesn't make a difference. This was a one time thing. Closure. Right? Right.
Only it doesn't feel like closure.
"Did you know what you were doing?"
I did. I distinctly remember that. Even though it took me a second to remember after I woke up, I know that I knew what I was doing last night. And I'd like to think she did too, but I'm not gonna delude myself. If she didn't, or just doesn't care about it, then I think I'm just going to leave. No point in hanging around if it doesn't matter.
... I think that's what I told myself last time I left too.
Deja vu is a bitch.
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Of course we were. If we hadn't been hammered it would have taken us a lot longer shut up and have sex. At least, I think it would have. I know I didn't plan on bringing him back up here when I first saw him. Not that I wasn't happy to see him, I was.
In my own way.
I knew that things would get messy if I got carried away and said things that didn't need to be said, so I didn't plan on saying them. When I told him I missed kissing him, it was the truth. But I missed him in general too, and I wouldn't have told him anything about missing him at all if I hadn't had alcohol there to help me up the honesty factor.
We were definitely both pretty gone.
"Did you know what you were doing?"
He thinks I didn't? Or Sam he only asking me this because I asked him and now I'm supposed to say that I like him too?
This is too hard. My head hurts too much for me to overthink it, but Sam doesn't look very happy right now. He just looks confused. It's my fault too, it has to be. He didn't look confused when I woke up.
"I don't think I would have been as...." Slutty. "Free, if I hadn't been drunk." Meaning I wouldn't have walked around the city half naked. What a waste of perfectly good clothes.
"I wanted to be with you, although I think it's a good thing I had a little too much vodka last night. If I'd have stayed sober, I would have been afraid to let anything happen, you know?"
Too much. Too much.
"I know that what happened last night was it for us, but I'm still glad that it happened. I don't regret it, never would."
Does that answer the question? At all? I think I answered an entirely different question instead of the one he asked, and told him a lot more than I needed to without actually getting anywhere.
Shit, I hate trying to think through a headache.
"So yeah, I did."
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Was I supposed to mind that part? If so, I missed that boat entirely.
"I wanted to be with you, although I think it's a good thing I had a little too much vodka last night. If I'd have stayed sober, I would have been afraid to let anything happen, you know?"
So she wanted to. Which is kinda great, when you think about it. At least I wasn't the only one who did. "Yeah. I know what you mean."
"I know that what happened last night was it for us, but I'm still glad that it happened. I don't regret it, never would."
Guess I'm leaving eventually after all. "One time thing." I nodded, trying to make it sound like I believed that. As long as she does, I do. I think. Or I will, just to keep from looking too stupid.
"So yeah, I did."
"Okay." I nodded again, and pushed off from leaning against the wall. "That's all I needed to know." Only it really wasn't, and I'm not sure how that one sounded. I finished off the rest of my coffee, and put it down on the nearest table.
I should get my shirt now, but she's looking. And if I get my shirt, I have to get my gun. There won't be any other openings to do it. But the only other thing I can think of to prolong conversation until she decides to take a shower or something, I don't really want to say.
Crap.
I hate being without options. Means I have to improvise. And normally I can alright enough, but not in these types of cases where it has to go one way or the other. So it looks like I'm going to have to say it anyway.
Screw it, the worst that could happen is it goes badly, I move on, and I never see her again. It'll give me the closure thing I was thinking about before.
Yeah, right.
"Did this really feel like one time to you?"
She'll probably answer that with a 'did it feel like it to you?', and then, then I'm definitely gonna get annoyed and go for my shirt and my gun anyway. But I'll risk it, since I sort of have to.
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No, Sam. That was a lot more than you ever needed to know. Thanks for the whole lot of nothing you gave me to go on that time.
He could have stopped me. I generally don't share that much all at once. I'm supposed to be difficult. We're not seeing each other, so I have a right to be even more difficult than I ever was before. I didn't owe him the big long feelings explanation that I just gave him.
And apparently it's all that he needed to know. How nice of him to contribute to our stupid morning after talk.
Jerk.
"Did this really feel like one time to you?"
Confusing jerk. Is this a trick question?
Haven't I stroked his ego enough? I mean, I told him how I felt. I went above and beyond to make sure that Sam knew what I was thinking. I shouldn't have to answer this. He left me.
And this has to be a one time thing. I don't do long distance relationships. I also am not the greatest at normal relationships, my work tends to get in the way.
It's better than them getting in the way of the work. That would involve gunfire.
"No. But I was with you. You never feel like a one time anything to me."
I need to just get up and run out now, don't I?
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I guess things have changed. Usually we'd be table turning for thirty freakin' minutes until I caved and said whatever the hell I was feeling at the time. I sort of like this. Especially the look on her face.
"Good. At least it wasn't just me."
Yeah, this isn't amusing at all.
"Look, maybe this doesn't have to end." I'm going out on a limb here. Hell, I'm getting ready to jump off a freakin' bridge. I have been since I woke up, and I know it. But my headache isn't as bad now, so it's getting easier to deal with.
"I know we're doing different crap right now, but that doesn't mean we have to never see each other again." Okay, let's see how you take that one Car. I can leave at anytime here, you just have to be looking away long enough for me to grab my gun.
So until then, we'll play this, and see what you want. Because as much as I thought the closure thing would work a minute ago, I'm thinking about how I'm going to walk away from this and not feel the same way I did before. And move on like it was no big deal.
When it was a big deal, at least to me. And obviously it was to her, enough to get that much out of her.
So we'll see where this goes. I think I can wait it out until it gets too heavy.
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It was him? Sam feels the same way I did? That feels just a little too good for me right now. He's supposed to set me straight and tell me that it can never happen again because our lives are already moving in two different directions.
Why is Sam encouraging me? Does he want a--no. He can't He wouldn't have left if he did. And if he changed his mind he would have come back.
Obviously he's just playing me.
Wait, Sam can't be playing me. He doesn't know how.
"Look, maybe this doesn't have to end."
Did I say that? No. Sam said that. Why did Sam say that? Why didn't he go back to the talk about how he knows this was a one time thing? I liked that talk. It made sense. And it would put a stop to all of the thoughts that are running through my head right now.
Why is he doing this to me?
"I know we're doing different crap right now, but that doesn't mean we have to never see each other again."
"Sam...you're making this difficult."
I'm supposed to be able to pack up my weapons and check out of here peacefully. Now if I tell him I can't see him, I'm going to feel like I missed my chance. If I tell him yes I'm going to start obsessing about how to manage it all.
Either way I'm really screwed here.
"It's not that I don't want to, but I work a lot. I don't know if I could handle a relationship on top of everything else."
I probably couldn't. Especially since I happen to love the guy I'd be involved with.
Wait does he want a relationship? Or just a standing invitation whenever he's in LA?
This is too hard.
"Unless that isn't what you meant."
It's hard to picture Sam just being in it for the sex, but you never know.
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Yeah, I know, but you're not exactly making it easier just by sitting there, now are you Car? Say something one way or the other, I don't care.
... Alright, yeah, I do care. But that's not the point. Give me enough to go on, and I'll gladly shut the hell up. Until then, deal with what I'm saying.
"It's not that I don't want to, but I work a lot. I don't know if I could handle a relationship on top of everything else."
I work a lot too, so what?
Alright, yeah, jobs are different. And mine's a little harder than advertising. But she doesn't know that. And if I'm willing to go with it despite what my job is, she should be willing too.
"Unless that isn't what you meant."
"That is what I meant Car." I shrugged. "If you don't want to, that's fine with me." Yeah, sure it is. "But I figured I'd throw the option out, because I really don't like the idea of just walking away without trying." Already did it once, didn't I.
"If you want to think about it, I can always give you a number or something. It's up to you."
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He liked the idea enough before. Left me for a trip to Europe and never cared enough to write. And I know writing was never part of the agreement because we broke up, but it would have helped. I never really knew if he was okay or not. Madsen dropped off the face of the earth too, I didn't have anyone to ask.
Now I know he's fine. And he wants try.
This isn't fair.
"If you want to think about it, I can always give you a number or something. It's up to you."
He could also tell me what country he's living in. That would help a little. I don't exactly know what I'm getting myself into right now. For all I know he takes pictures of porn or does the cover images for Girls Gone Wild European Vacation.
...Sam doesn't know what he's getting himself into either, but that's not the point. I'm the one being cornered here.
Why did he say 'a' number? Shouldn't he have offered to give me his?
I should start getting dressed, or get out of bed, or...something.
"Yeah, you could do that."
This is so stupid. If he's willing to try I should be too.
"I want to see you again. I just don't know how we're going to be able to work it out now with even busier lives if we couldn't before."
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Well, at least she's willing to think about it. Small win in my favor. I can't wait to hear what Madsen thinks about all this, since I know somehow I'm going to end up telling him. And I'd get a real kick to see the look on Carly's face if she found out what we're both doing now.
After all, who thought all Madsen's crap with explosives back in school would ever actually amount to anything?
And me... well... yeah. I don't think anyone ever thought the guy who could never fight would end up killing for a living. At least I'm freakin' good at it.
"I want to see you again. I just don't know how we're going to be able to work it out now with even busier lives if we couldn't before."
"I'm willing to work around it, if you are, okay?" And since I've got it worse than you do in that area, I'd really really like it if you'd stop freakin' arguing already.
I found a piece of paper and a pen, and wrote down my number. "That's my cell. No matter where I am, I've always got it on me." I looked back at her. "Call me when you decide, okay? I promise, no matter where I am, I'll get to where you are."
That wouldn't be as much of an issue as it actually sounds, it'd probably just take some serious lying. And I'm not too bad at that either.
"I should probably go..." She hasn't moved yet. God damn it. I bent down to reach for my shirt, and grinned to her a little. "I sort of need you to move." Her legs were kind of in the way.
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He's serious about this. I don't know whether I should be happy or...something else. Something a little more concerned. One great night in another country doesn't have anything to do with my life. In a few hours everything will go back to normal for me. I'll be Samless and super secret assassined up. And I'm not okay with that, really I'm not, but I don't have a lot of choices.
Then again if he says he's willing to work with it...I could give this a chance. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way. We're both going to be busy. He can't complain that I'm never around if he isn't either. And he's different now. Not bad different, just older. More mature and less....I don't know I can just tell there's growth.
Maybe he regrets walking away. I mean, I don't want Sam to regret going off on his own and being his own man, but it would be nice if he wasn't thrilled that he ditched me. I missed him a lot.
All the more reason to give this a chance, right?
"That's my cell. No matter where I am, I've always got it on me. Call me when you decide, okay? I promise, no matter where I am, I'll get to where you are."
Okay, I want him now.
When did he get so cute? I know the handsome came with age, and he was always really hot, but this whole talking cute wanting to try and promising to get to me thing? Could anyone ever say not to it?
I can't.
"I should probably go...I sort of need you to move.
He's going to leave. And then I'm going to let logic set in, and I'll never see him again. This will only be a one time thing. I will be Samless and super secret assassined up, and I'll hate it because I could have had him.
"Right. Sorry."
I climbed back up on the bed so that I wouldn't be in his way anymore and tried not to look too pouty. I hate this. I really hate this.
"So...take care."
Should I kiss him? I don't know if I'm calling him or not, but I think I should kiss him. It would be the right thing to do or...something.
"Sam."
What the hell am I doing?
Oh god. I know what I'm doing, I just wish I knew why. And I'm fully aware that I should not be doing it. At all, let alone now while he's about to head out. I should let him go.
That would be good.
"I love you."
That probably isn't.
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