Left Behind: THE MOVIE
***WARNING: SPOLIERS***
i'm sure we've all heard of this movie, but who had the balls to actually watch the whole thing?
me, that's who!
last night i watched left behind: THE MOVIE starring the incomparable kirk cameron as buck williams, an intrepid journalist caught up in the confusion and panic surrounding the (clearly imminent) rapture. williams is on assignment in israel covering a scientist who has completed work on project: eden, a scientific breakthrough which will singlehandedly solve the world's hunger problems.
during the interview, hundreds of identical cgi helicopters and airplanes attack israel from all sides. they're doomed! williams is abruptly (and without explanation) ushered into a military command center nearby. not shown: how they got there. one minute the planes are attacking and he's running, the next they're looking at a large room of outdated technology showing the planes converging on the holy land. all radar is down (except the one kirk cameron sees) and no planes or missiles can be deployed to defend israel. why a journalist is allowed into what would likely be a secure military installation during a large-scale military attack is never explored.
he goes outside with his video camera (he does not travel with a crew) just in time to see the planes being destroyed in midair by an unseen force. see, god promised to defend israel from complete annihilation. boy, does he ever! an old man wearing a beaded necklace and robes appears and utters something from scripture.
cut to chicago (yes, just like that). we now meet rayford steele (tampa bay buccaneers backup quarterback brad johnson), an airline pilot, bad husband, and bad father. he and his wife argue about her newfound penchant for going to church, then he leaves to captain a flight to london. during the flight, the flight attendant with whom he's having an affair informes him this will be her final flight. she's leaving to work at the united nations! i'm not entirely certain how on goes from flight attendant to united nations employee, but here we are. and thus begins the, shall we say, somewhat negative attitude of this film towards the u.n.
i'm going to speed this up a bit here as precious few moments of work remain.
a number of people on this flight (which kirk cameron is inexplicably on -- i thought it was a flight from chicago to london, and he was in israel, recall) disappear, leaving behind their clothes which appear to have been safety-pinned to the chairs. panic panic, where's my baby, etc.
there's a hysterically paranoid informant involved in there somewhere, too. and a sniper. and a car exploding. oh, and a microchip of some sort the informant guy keeps in his watch. after a lot of poorly-paced middle-of-the-movie stuff about people lamenting the loss of their loved ones, not seeming terribly concerned about why all of this has occured (kirk cameron is the only one who wants to know!), and reading/carrying around bibles (including a hilarious scene in which a minister yells at god in his empty church), the last fifteen minutes of the movie is crammed with, um, stuff. there's a bunch of talk about controlling the world's food supply, and ten tracts of land, and seven years of peace. a new secretary general of the u.n. is to be confirmed whose name is nikolae carpathia (subtlety? nuance? a christian craves not these things!). the flight attendant has rapidly risen to be his personal assistant. kirk cameron shows up. there's a meeting with the security council.
carpathia eventually reveals himself as the antichrist -- but only to kirk cameron. the rest he puts under a spell of some sort while he kills his two mentors with a gun he borrows from a security guard, who thinks nothing of handing it over. he then uses his antichrist superpowers to convince everybody that a terrible tragedy has occured and that the two men had a feud resulting in a murder-suicide.
so. with a pistol and an appointment as secretary general of the u.n., one can take over the world. let this be a lesson to you. you think the republicans are making such a big stink about annan and the oil-for-food program for nothing?
hell, no. they need to install their antichrist.
i can't wait to watch left behind 2: tribulation force (i wish i was making that up).
gary busey's in it.
i'm sure we've all heard of this movie, but who had the balls to actually watch the whole thing?
me, that's who!
last night i watched left behind: THE MOVIE starring the incomparable kirk cameron as buck williams, an intrepid journalist caught up in the confusion and panic surrounding the (clearly imminent) rapture. williams is on assignment in israel covering a scientist who has completed work on project: eden, a scientific breakthrough which will singlehandedly solve the world's hunger problems.
during the interview, hundreds of identical cgi helicopters and airplanes attack israel from all sides. they're doomed! williams is abruptly (and without explanation) ushered into a military command center nearby. not shown: how they got there. one minute the planes are attacking and he's running, the next they're looking at a large room of outdated technology showing the planes converging on the holy land. all radar is down (except the one kirk cameron sees) and no planes or missiles can be deployed to defend israel. why a journalist is allowed into what would likely be a secure military installation during a large-scale military attack is never explored.
he goes outside with his video camera (he does not travel with a crew) just in time to see the planes being destroyed in midair by an unseen force. see, god promised to defend israel from complete annihilation. boy, does he ever! an old man wearing a beaded necklace and robes appears and utters something from scripture.
cut to chicago (yes, just like that). we now meet rayford steele (tampa bay buccaneers backup quarterback brad johnson), an airline pilot, bad husband, and bad father. he and his wife argue about her newfound penchant for going to church, then he leaves to captain a flight to london. during the flight, the flight attendant with whom he's having an affair informes him this will be her final flight. she's leaving to work at the united nations! i'm not entirely certain how on goes from flight attendant to united nations employee, but here we are. and thus begins the, shall we say, somewhat negative attitude of this film towards the u.n.
i'm going to speed this up a bit here as precious few moments of work remain.
a number of people on this flight (which kirk cameron is inexplicably on -- i thought it was a flight from chicago to london, and he was in israel, recall) disappear, leaving behind their clothes which appear to have been safety-pinned to the chairs. panic panic, where's my baby, etc.
there's a hysterically paranoid informant involved in there somewhere, too. and a sniper. and a car exploding. oh, and a microchip of some sort the informant guy keeps in his watch. after a lot of poorly-paced middle-of-the-movie stuff about people lamenting the loss of their loved ones, not seeming terribly concerned about why all of this has occured (kirk cameron is the only one who wants to know!), and reading/carrying around bibles (including a hilarious scene in which a minister yells at god in his empty church), the last fifteen minutes of the movie is crammed with, um, stuff. there's a bunch of talk about controlling the world's food supply, and ten tracts of land, and seven years of peace. a new secretary general of the u.n. is to be confirmed whose name is nikolae carpathia (subtlety? nuance? a christian craves not these things!). the flight attendant has rapidly risen to be his personal assistant. kirk cameron shows up. there's a meeting with the security council.
carpathia eventually reveals himself as the antichrist -- but only to kirk cameron. the rest he puts under a spell of some sort while he kills his two mentors with a gun he borrows from a security guard, who thinks nothing of handing it over. he then uses his antichrist superpowers to convince everybody that a terrible tragedy has occured and that the two men had a feud resulting in a murder-suicide.
so. with a pistol and an appointment as secretary general of the u.n., one can take over the world. let this be a lesson to you. you think the republicans are making such a big stink about annan and the oil-for-food program for nothing?
hell, no. they need to install their antichrist.
i can't wait to watch left behind 2: tribulation force (i wish i was making that up).
gary busey's in it.