Adam's rules of the Road, revisited.... the 8th street edition.
It's been proven that 80% of Miami's driving population are degenerate, inbred FUckasses. THEY SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING. it has also been proven that the Stupidest group of that 80%, who i'll call "the driving illiterate monkeys" seem to drive on 8th street a lot (AKA practicing their skullfuckery of driving back and forth on the same strip of road 24 hrs a day, nonstop). this is bad, mainly because 8th street is THE most common road i drive on. so instead of pulling my hair out or driving fullspeed into the next OLD BLIND driver i see... i decided to bring forth some more Rules of The ROad. here we go:
Rule #1, the left turn rule: when you make a left turn onto a 2way street, you look both ways before making the turn. i repeat, you look BOTH WAYS. first to the left to check for oncoming traffic, as you'll be getting in their way first, and then looking to the right for traffic going the way you wish to go. MAKE SURE BOTH DIRECTIONS ARE CLEAR before you make the fucking turn. if there is at least ONE car coming from either direction, make sure you won't obstruct it's path when you carelessly hurl your worthless auto into it's lane. Today alone i've seen 4 (fucking FOUR) asshats jump in front of traffic in order to make a left turn, and this was within a 2 mile stretch. FOUR FUCKING MORONS WITHIN 20 BLOCKS. one of them even blocked the oncoming traffic for a good 5 minutes, CLEARLY breaking the left turn rule. The penalty for such moronic behavior will include vigilante rights for any of the oncoming traffic to hit you like a battering ram, and fine you for the bill.
Rule #2, the Braking rule: if you hit the brakes, YOU NEED A FUCKING REASON TO. the only valid reasons are: there's a car/animal/person (only within 10-50 yrs of age)/wall within significant distance directly ahead of you. if there is NOTHING in front of your car, YOU DO NOT NEED TO BRAKE. Countless times have i been startled because some bumfuck dickhead decided to brake...just because wanted to! THERE'S NO FUCKING REASON FOR IT. SO DON'T. the penalty for not abiding by this rule would be to have the driver's brakes cut, then forcing them to drive off a cliff. plain and simple. granted, there is the exception where a driver might need to slow down to make a turn, but that scenario is covered in my next rule...
Rule #3, the "use the GODDAMN turn signal" rule: LIsten shitheads. ever car is created with this nifty feature. it allows other drivers to know when you're changing lanes or making a turn. SO USE IT. if you'd like to move out of the lane you're in, be considerate and let others know of your intentions. it's only fair. I wouldn't be so pissed if some old blind saggy bitch driving 20mph slower than me didn't jump into my lane if she gave me the heads-up with her TURN SIGNALS. transgressor's will be relieved of their rights to LIfe.
Rule #4, the Courtesy of traffic law: yeah yeah, i know the speed limit's 35mph, but if you're so intent on following the speed limit, stay in the right lane with the other turtle-fucks. that way everyone else who actually has somewhere to GO can pass your useless fuckwad self and get on with their life. the people who don't follow this rule are the dicks who always have about 100 ft of space between them and the car in front of them while there's millions of cars behind them waiting to get past. THESE Comatose pricks are the sole reasons for traffic. the SINGLE REASON for why so many cars are on the road at once. they're like giant globs of cholesterol blocking up your arteries, keeping red blood cells and the like from getting to and fro. and Noone likes cholesterol.
Rule #5, the "NO BLIND PEOPLE ALLOWED" rule: this may sound like a frickin' joke. but i'm serious. BLIND PEOPLE SHOULD NOT DRIVE. AT ALL. regardless of whether your 79yr old wife with Parkinson's is "helping" you by telling you when to brake and when to turn. This is a true sight too, i actually saw this while driving today. some old ass man, wearing blind-people glasses and a cane under his arm, driving a beat up continental (dents EVERYWHERE), while some old hag was yelling orders at him in spanish. that shit doesn't fly, jive turkey. penalty: JUST FUCKING DON'T.
gah. that's all i can think about for now. there's definitely more insanities out on the road, but these are just some that have happened within the last 10-20 minutes since i got home, which is why i remember them.
today's moral: get a jetpack.
Rule #1, the left turn rule: when you make a left turn onto a 2way street, you look both ways before making the turn. i repeat, you look BOTH WAYS. first to the left to check for oncoming traffic, as you'll be getting in their way first, and then looking to the right for traffic going the way you wish to go. MAKE SURE BOTH DIRECTIONS ARE CLEAR before you make the fucking turn. if there is at least ONE car coming from either direction, make sure you won't obstruct it's path when you carelessly hurl your worthless auto into it's lane. Today alone i've seen 4 (fucking FOUR) asshats jump in front of traffic in order to make a left turn, and this was within a 2 mile stretch. FOUR FUCKING MORONS WITHIN 20 BLOCKS. one of them even blocked the oncoming traffic for a good 5 minutes, CLEARLY breaking the left turn rule. The penalty for such moronic behavior will include vigilante rights for any of the oncoming traffic to hit you like a battering ram, and fine you for the bill.
Rule #2, the Braking rule: if you hit the brakes, YOU NEED A FUCKING REASON TO. the only valid reasons are: there's a car/animal/person (only within 10-50 yrs of age)/wall within significant distance directly ahead of you. if there is NOTHING in front of your car, YOU DO NOT NEED TO BRAKE. Countless times have i been startled because some bumfuck dickhead decided to brake...just because wanted to! THERE'S NO FUCKING REASON FOR IT. SO DON'T. the penalty for not abiding by this rule would be to have the driver's brakes cut, then forcing them to drive off a cliff. plain and simple. granted, there is the exception where a driver might need to slow down to make a turn, but that scenario is covered in my next rule...
Rule #3, the "use the GODDAMN turn signal" rule: LIsten shitheads. ever car is created with this nifty feature. it allows other drivers to know when you're changing lanes or making a turn. SO USE IT. if you'd like to move out of the lane you're in, be considerate and let others know of your intentions. it's only fair. I wouldn't be so pissed if some old blind saggy bitch driving 20mph slower than me didn't jump into my lane if she gave me the heads-up with her TURN SIGNALS. transgressor's will be relieved of their rights to LIfe.
Rule #4, the Courtesy of traffic law: yeah yeah, i know the speed limit's 35mph, but if you're so intent on following the speed limit, stay in the right lane with the other turtle-fucks. that way everyone else who actually has somewhere to GO can pass your useless fuckwad self and get on with their life. the people who don't follow this rule are the dicks who always have about 100 ft of space between them and the car in front of them while there's millions of cars behind them waiting to get past. THESE Comatose pricks are the sole reasons for traffic. the SINGLE REASON for why so many cars are on the road at once. they're like giant globs of cholesterol blocking up your arteries, keeping red blood cells and the like from getting to and fro. and Noone likes cholesterol.
Rule #5, the "NO BLIND PEOPLE ALLOWED" rule: this may sound like a frickin' joke. but i'm serious. BLIND PEOPLE SHOULD NOT DRIVE. AT ALL. regardless of whether your 79yr old wife with Parkinson's is "helping" you by telling you when to brake and when to turn. This is a true sight too, i actually saw this while driving today. some old ass man, wearing blind-people glasses and a cane under his arm, driving a beat up continental (dents EVERYWHERE), while some old hag was yelling orders at him in spanish. that shit doesn't fly, jive turkey. penalty: JUST FUCKING DON'T.
gah. that's all i can think about for now. there's definitely more insanities out on the road, but these are just some that have happened within the last 10-20 minutes since i got home, which is why i remember them.
today's moral: get a jetpack.