from the department of whooey
o/~ DING DONG DING DONG
EXT. CHRISTMAS TRAP STREET
The TARDIS is here. THE DOCTOR is here. CLARA is here because PARODIC CONTINUITY.
DOCTOR
Well, here we are on the last script of Steven Moffat. He would have had years to think about it, it must be terrific.
CLARA
Bets?
DOCTOR
Oh hell no. But let's have a Moment of Silents for the feats of Steven.
There is a MOMENT OF SILENTS during which we are made to forget that there was ever a PLAN.
A BALD GUY enters.
BALD GUY
Are you the surgeon?
DOCTOR
I'm known for my cutting remarks, so let's go with yes.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - THE SNOG OF RIVER'S HUSBAND
EXT. FLYING SAUCER
THE DOCTOR AND CLARA AND THE BALD GUY TRUDGE INTO THE FRAME.
DOCTOR
So did you have an address, or were you just going to wander around town asking people if they're the surgeon?
A VOICE comes from the interior of the SAUCER before the BALD GUY can answer:
RIVER SONG
Give me back my idiot ball!
RIVER comes down the GANGPLANK and the BALD GUY returns the IDIOT BALL.
DOCTOR
River! What a pleasant surprise! It's me, the Doctor! and this is Clara, you've probably heard lots about the Impossible Girl for the love of whom I punched through a mountain over a period of four and a half billion years.
RIVER
Certainly not! Now come inside and murder my husband for me.
CLARA
Aren't we going to be introduced?
DOCTOR
River, this is Clara, Clara, this is River Song, or as we call her in Scotland, Carol Burn-ette.
CLARA
She's so glad we had this time together?
DOCTOR
Comes the time we have to say so long. No wonder that set was a redress of Trap Street, this must be her last episode!
THEY ENTER THE SAUCER and MEET THE PATIENT. He is a HUMAN HEAD on a ROBOT BODY.
RIVER
This is King Hydrox. He's got a diamond embedded in his brain. He was engaged in a large-scale activity that blew up in his face.
STEVEN MOFFAT erupts in a COUGHING FIT.
RIVER
Sound familiar?
STEVEN MOFFAT
Certainly not.
CLARA
There was a time people would have compared that diamond to what the Doctor and Cybercontroller were fighting over by way of the sliver of ice in the Doctor's heart, but too late now.
TIRED OF THE EPISODE, HYDROX RIPS HIS OWN HEAD OFF.
RIVER
Well, I guess I don't need a surgeon any more.
SHE STICKS THE HEAD IN A BAG.
RIVER
And now, off to sell the diamondy spoils!
She ACTIVATES HER VORTEX MANIPULATOR and VANISHES.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No!
DOCTOR
Sorry, it says right here in the script she's just back from Manhattan, no reason she shouldn't have a vortex manipulator.
ROBOT BODY
A new head is required.
DOCTOR
Shut it, Gort.
CLARA
Is this a Lincoln's Hammer riff? Only we did the Ship of Theseus two series ago.
RIVER REAPPEARS.
RIVER
Well, that was completely successful. Now to make use of this Idiot Ball.
SHE JAMS the IDIOT BALL onto the SPINAL STALK of the ROBOT BODY.
The ROBOT BODY SHORT CIRCUITS.
RIVER
Whoops, got the polarities reversed again. -Doctor! It's you!
DOCTOR
Yes, yes it is, and I brought you a Christmas present!
RIVER
The last present you got me was a diary with the pages numbered counting down.
DOCTOR
Yes, and I've been thinking about that and I've changed my mind. So here!
He gives her a BOX containing a DINGUS.
RIVER
Ooh, a sonic screwdriver! You know, rumor has it that it's next stop oblivion if the Doctor ever gives me his screwdriver, but obviously this one's not actually yours, that one's in your pocket -
OMNES
Or he's just happy to see you.
STEVEN MOFFAT
It's all included in your license fee!
DOCTOR
It's not just a screwdriver, it's also a hard light hologramic projector with a neural interface. It'll let you enter dangerous situations from a safe distance using an avatar indistinguishable from your actual body! So, you know, never risk life and limb unnecessarily, you wouldn't want to die of paper cuts, hint hint. Oh, and it has three speeds.
CLARA
Can we go see Jane Austen now?
DOCTOR
You two go on ahead, I'll catch up later.
RIVER takes CLARA by the ARM and VANISHES.
DOCTOR
So, was it all you'd hoped?
STEVEN MOFFAT
...no. No it was not.
DOCTOR
So when do we find out what River meant by "Why do I let you out?"
STEVEN MOFFAT
Huh?
DOCTOR
As I thought.
THE DOCTOR GETS IN HIS BLUE BOX AND FLIES AWAY.
END CREDITS.
STEVEN MOFFAT
Well! Guess I'll go call Michelle Gomez's agent.
HE TRUDGES OFF THROUGH THE SNOW.
EXT. CHRISTMAS TRAP STREET
The TARDIS is here. THE DOCTOR is here. CLARA is here because PARODIC CONTINUITY.
DOCTOR
Well, here we are on the last script of Steven Moffat. He would have had years to think about it, it must be terrific.
CLARA
Bets?
DOCTOR
Oh hell no. But let's have a Moment of Silents for the feats of Steven.
There is a MOMENT OF SILENTS during which we are made to forget that there was ever a PLAN.
A BALD GUY enters.
BALD GUY
Are you the surgeon?
DOCTOR
I'm known for my cutting remarks, so let's go with yes.
TITLES: DOCTOR WHO - THE SNOG OF RIVER'S HUSBAND
EXT. FLYING SAUCER
THE DOCTOR AND CLARA AND THE BALD GUY TRUDGE INTO THE FRAME.
DOCTOR
So did you have an address, or were you just going to wander around town asking people if they're the surgeon?
A VOICE comes from the interior of the SAUCER before the BALD GUY can answer:
RIVER SONG
Give me back my idiot ball!
RIVER comes down the GANGPLANK and the BALD GUY returns the IDIOT BALL.
DOCTOR
River! What a pleasant surprise! It's me, the Doctor! and this is Clara, you've probably heard lots about the Impossible Girl for the love of whom I punched through a mountain over a period of four and a half billion years.
RIVER
Certainly not! Now come inside and murder my husband for me.
CLARA
Aren't we going to be introduced?
DOCTOR
River, this is Clara, Clara, this is River Song, or as we call her in Scotland, Carol Burn-ette.
CLARA
She's so glad we had this time together?
DOCTOR
Comes the time we have to say so long. No wonder that set was a redress of Trap Street, this must be her last episode!
THEY ENTER THE SAUCER and MEET THE PATIENT. He is a HUMAN HEAD on a ROBOT BODY.
RIVER
This is King Hydrox. He's got a diamond embedded in his brain. He was engaged in a large-scale activity that blew up in his face.
STEVEN MOFFAT erupts in a COUGHING FIT.
RIVER
Sound familiar?
STEVEN MOFFAT
Certainly not.
CLARA
There was a time people would have compared that diamond to what the Doctor and Cybercontroller were fighting over by way of the sliver of ice in the Doctor's heart, but too late now.
TIRED OF THE EPISODE, HYDROX RIPS HIS OWN HEAD OFF.
RIVER
Well, I guess I don't need a surgeon any more.
SHE STICKS THE HEAD IN A BAG.
RIVER
And now, off to sell the diamondy spoils!
She ACTIVATES HER VORTEX MANIPULATOR and VANISHES.
STEVEN MOFFAT
No!
DOCTOR
Sorry, it says right here in the script she's just back from Manhattan, no reason she shouldn't have a vortex manipulator.
ROBOT BODY
A new head is required.
DOCTOR
Shut it, Gort.
CLARA
Is this a Lincoln's Hammer riff? Only we did the Ship of Theseus two series ago.
RIVER REAPPEARS.
RIVER
Well, that was completely successful. Now to make use of this Idiot Ball.
SHE JAMS the IDIOT BALL onto the SPINAL STALK of the ROBOT BODY.
The ROBOT BODY SHORT CIRCUITS.
RIVER
Whoops, got the polarities reversed again. -Doctor! It's you!
DOCTOR
Yes, yes it is, and I brought you a Christmas present!
RIVER
The last present you got me was a diary with the pages numbered counting down.
DOCTOR
Yes, and I've been thinking about that and I've changed my mind. So here!
He gives her a BOX containing a DINGUS.
RIVER
Ooh, a sonic screwdriver! You know, rumor has it that it's next stop oblivion if the Doctor ever gives me his screwdriver, but obviously this one's not actually yours, that one's in your pocket -
OMNES
Or he's just happy to see you.
STEVEN MOFFAT
It's all included in your license fee!
DOCTOR
It's not just a screwdriver, it's also a hard light hologramic projector with a neural interface. It'll let you enter dangerous situations from a safe distance using an avatar indistinguishable from your actual body! So, you know, never risk life and limb unnecessarily, you wouldn't want to die of paper cuts, hint hint. Oh, and it has three speeds.
CLARA
Can we go see Jane Austen now?
DOCTOR
You two go on ahead, I'll catch up later.
RIVER takes CLARA by the ARM and VANISHES.
DOCTOR
So, was it all you'd hoped?
STEVEN MOFFAT
...no. No it was not.
DOCTOR
So when do we find out what River meant by "Why do I let you out?"
STEVEN MOFFAT
Huh?
DOCTOR
As I thought.
THE DOCTOR GETS IN HIS BLUE BOX AND FLIES AWAY.
END CREDITS.
STEVEN MOFFAT
Well! Guess I'll go call Michelle Gomez's agent.
HE TRUDGES OFF THROUGH THE SNOW.