I Am The Coolest Guy On The Planet
Since the dawn of time, a man's wealth was determined not only by how much money he had, but by how much shit he had. Back in the day I guess a man's wealth was determined by how much crop or livestock he had or some bullshit, or even if he was some type of authority figure, which I guess isn't too bad.
But now in these sad times your status is determined by things that are even less important, not that having 50 sheep was a big fuckin deal, but that served more of a purpose than some fag with overpriced designer clothes. It's obvious now that the people you see walking down the street with pre-faded jeans, a Starbucks coffee in one hand, and an iPod in the other, are evidently considered "the shit". If you drive an expensive car, and your house is full of contemporary furniture elegantly surrounded by fucked up sculptures and crazy ass paintings that look like they could've been created by 6 year olds, then you're supposedly one of the "Gods of Status". You don't care how much your crappy couch that was made by overworked & underpaid morons in some 3rd world country costed you, some snobby Italian queer designed it, and that for some reason makes it worth the price you paid for it. You probably don't even sit in the fucking thing, you just show it to your stupid artsy fartsy friends and climax as they drool in envy at the sight of the very thing that none of you realize only took $50 to make. While you boast to them about the specs of the couch, (as if there's really any specs to an ass rest) you try your damnedest to speak with a sophisticated tone and pull some stupid accent when you attempt to blurt out the designer's name correctly.
Is any of the above familiar to any of you? Are you one of these people? Or do you one day dream to be? If so I bet you're sitting on your iMac feeling really proud of yourself aren't you, well go ahead and dance around your "one of a kind" Egyptian artifact that no sane person in the world gives a shit about, appreciate all your pointless shit while you can, because I'm about to fuck your world up.
I, Mr. Pessimistic, have something in my possession that you don't have "oh master of the cool". In fact, not even non-cool people have what I have. What I have is so rare that you probably couldn't find any more than 100 people who have it (besides distributors with leftover copies collecting dust).
I have
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ARMY OF DARKNESS ON MOTHERFUCKING LASERDISC BITCH!
I rule and you know it.