In the first verse paragraph, on the 3rd and 4th line, "in" sounds too similar to the next word, "into." Unless, you're specifically going for this, which is your choice, I would suggest changing "in/into" to some like "be/part of".
Hrmph...let's skip to the end now. You've incorporated some rhyming in the last two lines. However, there are no other rhymes in the poem. It makes it seem as if it was just a neat little rhyme you came up with and decided to put in. It sounds, in my opinion, a little showy. I would either change something there or incorporate some sort of rhyming pattern into the rest of the poem.
Also in the last verse paragraph, the second line, "you see what you've now got," doesn't seem to make sense. What I more expected the meaning to be, was more like 'I lift the cap(mask) from your head/Now I see who you are' or something like that. Please do explain the meaning of the line ^_^ In the stanza with "bliss" in it, I would change the last line, "let it take over you" to "let it take you over." The first one just sounds a bit awkward.
In the first verse paragraph, on the 3rd and 4th line, "in" sounds too similar to the next word, "into." Unless, you're specifically going for this, which is your choice, I would suggest changing "in/into" to some like "be/part of".
Hrmph...let's skip to the end now. You've incorporated some rhyming in the last two lines. However, there are no other rhymes in the poem. It makes it seem as if it was just a neat little rhyme you came up with and decided to put in. It sounds, in my opinion, a little showy. I would either change something there or incorporate some sort of rhyming pattern into the rest of the poem.
Also in the last verse paragraph, the second line, "you see what you've now got," doesn't seem to make sense. What I more expected the meaning to be, was more like 'I lift the cap(mask) from your head/Now I see who you are' or something like that. Please do explain the meaning of the line ^_^
In the stanza with "bliss" in it, I would change the last line, "let it take over you" to "let it take you over." The first one just sounds a bit awkward.
Meh...I have more if you're interested.
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